yule cat

SOS from the Seasonal Survival file, as you prepare to face the next holiday horror, that most spiteful spirit of Christmas, the dread Icelandic Yule Cat, remember there’s a right way and a wrong way to stop old Jólakötturinn the demon from eating your eyeballs on December 22.

Quick review if you haven’t faced him – or her –  yet. Jólakötturinn the Yule Cat is a demon who stalks the earth this time of year, ready to attack people who wear old sweaters on December 22.  The demon is the number one reason for the ugly sweater season, another example of an ancient tradition steeped in survival.

And what kind of demon kills old sweater-wearers, you might ask? A Yule Cat demon, obviously but some say the fevered feline was once the sold soul of a supermodel who made a deal with the devil for catwalk riches, and now is doomed to spend eternity as a catty demon who polices polyester.

Whatever his true origin,  on December 22, the winter solstice,  Jólakötturinn the Icelandic Yule Cat will attack anyone who fails to don some new apparel in the form of an ugly new Christmas sweater.

Now full confession here, yes in the past I have stated that if you don’t have an ugly new Christmas sweater to wear on December 22, you can and should RE-new an ugly OLD one and that this would be sufficient to deter the demon cat. In fact I’ve written long articles ignored by millions if not billions around the globe about how to fool the Yule Cat in precisely this way, with an ugly Christmas sweater that seems new.

But there is a right way and a wrong way to go about renewing an old sweater and this year a group of irresponsible baseball players may be trying to get themselves killed.

For instance check out this sweater. Pitcher Brandon League’s efforts to protect himself and his gf from the Yule Cat and win the ugly sweater sweepstakes prompted him to glue garlands and candy canes to the front of some old sweaters (above)  and while I applaud the pitcher for effort, he appears to have overlooked one important fact here. These sweaters are both:

a) nowhere near ugly enough to deflect Jólakötturinn’s jaudiced eye. Especially not that one on his girlfriend, let’s be honest. It’s pretty hot.

b) basically will turn you into a walking cat toy. That stuffed Yeti on the front of Brandon’s sweater may be intended to scare away the Yule Cat but it will likely have the opposite effect. Sure demons hate Yeti but what feline could resist taking a swipe at you in one of those? After all, Jólakötturinn is still a cat and like all cats, enjoys attacking loose threads and stuffed animals.

(In fact some claim the Yule Cat doesn’t exactly mean to scratch your face off and eat your eyeballs, that he’s just likes playing with loose thread. But that’s a whole other debate.)

So does this mean you shouldn’t try to disguise your ugly old Christmas sweater as an ugly new Christmas sweater to fool the most unfestive feline?

Not at all. I still stand by my words. If you can’t afford a brand new ugly sweater, take a note from the work of Max Scherzer. There’s a good reason this pitcher is in the Big 12 – he knows how to survive.  By gluing an arrangement of felt stockings to the front of his sweater every year, he can easily fool the Yule Cat without drawing his attention. It is both ugly enough and looks different enough from the previous year to pass muster.

(Unfortunately, the girlfriend again, is likely not going to make it. Is that even a sweater she’s wearing? Too bad but as a professional baseball player Max can probably find a replacement.)