Seth On Survival

Supernatural Survival HQ

You are here: Home / Archives for yule cat

yule cat

When Krampus Komes Will You Survive or Be Dragged Down?

By Leave a Comment

Dos and Don’ts For Krampus Survival

Krampus, the second most feared spirit of the season is officially on the loose tonight and sure to be roaming a street near you. Don’t be dragged to the depths of despair by this creepy Christmas cryptid, read and prepare your survival plan today.

An SOS red and green alert.

Cramps comes tonight!
Krampus comes tonight!

Krampusnacht, December 6 marks the start of Krampus’ killer season as official enforcer of the naughty list.

He comes armed with birch whips and chains for sure, and possibly killer cookies and elves, to drag you adn the ones you love most down the depths of the nearest hellevator shaft or portal.

But don’t despair. Armed with SOS handy list of Dos and Donts, you too can cramp Krampus’ killer style.

Tonight we start with the DON’T list

DON’T:

1. Don’t talk trash about Santa Claus. 

Old Krampus is St. Nick’s sidekick and enforcer, some say his older uncle, the original keeper of the naughty list. A demonic dude of the genus gargoylious seaonalus,  some say Krampus is the progenitor of all grinches.

2. Don’t complain about the food.

Nobody cares if you hate your aunt Greely gross fruit cake suck it up and smile. Otherwise you risk raising the ire of the Spirit of the Season that bring Krampus down on your Christmas.

3. Don’t peek at your gifts

A little shake and sniff is far enough don’t even think about peeling a corner of that paper. Think nobody would notice? Think again. He sees you when you’re sleeping… you really think he’ll overlook this one?

4. Don’t bite the head of that gingerbread! 

For Christmas sake, start with a hand or a foot, at least until you are certain it doesn’t move or talk. That said, collecting only the heads is equally creepy so… use some discretion here. If there’s a polite way to consume the face of a vaguely human-shaped cookie, I urge you to find it before Krampus and his killer cookies find you first.

5. Don’t ditch your family.

You might want to hang with your friends but now is not the time. No, the spirits of the season demand you spend it en familia, soaking in some wise elder ways… or else… Would it kill you to hear Bubbies’s Hanukkah story one more time? No? Then listen up and learn it because the alternative just might.

And now you know what NOT to do. Stay tuned tomorrow night when we do the DOs. Until then, you would do well to review the intel on that other nasty spirit, the Icelandic Yule Cat and his cousin the GRINCH.

Yule Cat Self-Defense Is Your Ugly New Christmas Sweater Ready?

By 1 Comment

SOS from the Seasonal Survival file, as you prepare to face the next holiday horror, that most spiteful spirit of Christmas, the dread Icelandic Yule Cat, remember there’s a right way and a wrong way to stop old Jólakötturinn the demon from eating your eyeballs on December 22.

If you don't have a new sweater, why no REnew an old one?
When the Yule Cat comes on December 22 will your sweater pass muster?

Quick review if you haven’t faced him – or her –  yet. Jólakötturinn the Yule Cat is a demon who stalks the earth this time of year, ready to attack people who wear old sweaters on December 22.  The demon is the number one reason for the ugly sweater season, another example of an ancient tradition steeped in survival.

And what kind of demon kills old sweater-wearers, you might ask? A Yule Cat demon, obviously but some say the fevered feline was once the sold soul of a supermodel who made a deal with the devil for catwalk riches, and now is doomed to spend eternity as a catty demon who polices polyester.

Whatever his true origin,  on December 22, the winter solstice,  Jólakötturinn the Icelandic Yule Cat will attack anyone who fails to don some new apparel in the form of an ugly new Christmas sweater.

Now full confession here, yes in the past I have stated that if you don’t have an ugly new Christmas sweater to wear on December 22, you can and should RE-new an ugly OLD one and that this would be sufficient to deter the demon cat. In fact I’ve written long articles ignored by millions if not billions around the globe about how to fool the Yule Cat in precisely this way, with an ugly Christmas sweater that seems new.

But there is a right way and a wrong way to go about renewing an old sweater and this year a group of irresponsible baseball players may be trying to get themselves killed.

For instance check out this sweater. Pitcher Brandon League’s efforts to protect himself and his gf from the Yule Cat and win the ugly sweater sweepstakes prompted him to glue garlands and candy canes to the front of some old sweaters (above)  and while I applaud the pitcher for effort, he appears to have overlooked one important fact here. These sweaters are both:

a) nowhere near ugly enough to deflect Jólakötturinn’s jaudiced eye. Especially not that one on his girlfriend, let’s be honest. It’s pretty hot.

b) basically will turn you into a walking cat toy. That stuffed Yeti on the front of Brandon’s sweater may be intended to scare away the Yule Cat but it will likely have the opposite effect. Sure demons hate Yeti but what feline could resist taking a swipe at you in one of those? After all, Jólakötturinn is still a cat and like all cats, enjoys attacking loose threads and stuffed animals.

(In fact some claim the Yule Cat doesn’t exactly mean to scratch your face off and eat your eyeballs, that he’s just likes playing with loose thread. But that’s a whole other debate.)

Pitcher Max Scherzer knows how to keep the Yule Cat away.
Pitcher Max Scherzer knows how to keep the Yule Cat away. Unfortunately, his wife will never make it.

So does this mean you shouldn’t try to disguise your ugly old Christmas sweater as an ugly new Christmas sweater to fool the most unfestive feline?

Not at all. I still stand by my words. If you can’t afford a brand new ugly sweater, take a note from the work of Max Scherzer. There’s a good reason this pitcher is in the Big 12 – he knows how to survive.  By gluing an arrangement of felt stockings to the front of his sweater every year, he can easily fool the Yule Cat without drawing his attention. It is both ugly enough and looks different enough from the previous year to pass muster.

(Unfortunately, the girlfriend again, is likely not going to make it. Is that even a sweater she’s wearing? Too bad but as a professional baseball player Max can probably find a replacement.)

The Yule Cat Cometh!

By 9 Comments

Between dangerous holiday shopping and zombie mall Santas it’s easy to forget the real threat lurking between you and all that Christmas turkey. Call it Winter Solstice or Alban Arthuan or Yule or just December 21 in the northern hemisphere, the darkest day of the year has come again and the stakes are historically high. Restless spirits must be calmed and the light must be cajoled back into the world with the correct use of fire and festive festoonery. Or we will be doomed by tradition to an entire year of utter darkness.

Icelandic Yule Cat Sees Old Sweaters Everywhere
Icelandic Yule Cat eats you if you wear an old sweater today.

Ordinarily I take this day to plead with survivors for a return to traditional Christmas decorations, ie: substantial, meaty and edible.  (Trim those trees with bacon if you know what’s good for you.) But more about that later. This year our longer days and the promise of summer is far from certain, threatened by other world events and reports from around the world.

Starting with Iceland. That crusty old Yule Cat is said to be particularly angry this year by a general dirth of new sweaters. Recall that Jólakötturinn, the Icelandic Yule Cat, attacks those who fail to don a brand new wool sweater today for yule, dragging them into darkness for crimes of fashion. Ordinarily Icelanders respond appropriately by knitting or at least buying, a brand new sweater to mark the date.

But owing to global circumstances this year, including the aggressive off-season activities of leprechauns, record numbers of people on earth will not be able to wear a new sweater on December 21. This does not bode well for our solstice survival!

Add to this, disturbing reports about the yule log. Authentic oak yule logs are being replaced in record numbers of homes this year by a flood of fake yule log videos on YouTube. The result of this massive digital experimentation has yet to be determined. Recall, an authentic yule log must be lit by a spark from last year’s log. How will this work with a video? Do you make a video of your old video?

Predictions from witches on this site are still coming in read about them here. So far she who goes by the name Bebe, predicts the artificial yule fires will be perfectly acceptable only as long as they are lit from a spark off the old log.

Are digital Yule Logs Safe? Effective?
Record numbers of digital yule logs this solstice

Meanwhile what’s a concerned survivor to do? Start by taking a page from the Oldentimers, who realized the value of effective festoonery. Those decorations are not just  festive, they are a traditional trap for dangerous spirits. You use it to lure the spirits of darkness indoors with a happy green tree decked with substantial edibles. This is very important. Traditional decorations included nuts, apples, muffins and long strips of bacon draped over the branches. In short, everything a spirit needs to stay warm and happy and out of trouble! Compare that to the Christmas trees of today. How many spirits will starve in those boughs, hung with glittering plastic balls and synthetic garlands? Do we really need to be reminded that any spirit with the MUNCHIES is a NASTY one? Take my word for it. Pop some damn corn, slap it on a string and get it up there *STAT!* You family is depending on you. Better yet, break out some bacon and drape it over the branches. That will keep them busy longer. Where do you think tinsel comes from anyway?

Xmas Bacon Baconsil

DARKEST DARK NIGHT DECORATING TIPS

By 1 Comment

Between dangerous Xmas shopping and zombie mall Santas it’s easy to forget the real danger lurking between you and all that Christmas turkey. We’re talking about the Winter Solstice. This year the longest, darkest night of the year  – for half of the world – will be 8.5 percent longer and darker due to the convergence of a full lunar eclipse. (Note to any Southern Hemispherians at this point – Please read this article upside-down.)

Whether you call it Winter Solstice or  “Alban Arthuan” or “Yule” December 21 in the northern hemisphere is always pretty dark, both literally and figuratively. Normally a full 18 hours of dark, scary thoughts like, what do I get her for Christmas? What did I get her last year? And where’s that crazy Icelandic Yule Cat and why does he always attack me ? Add to it this year an extra 1.5 hours of terrifying awareness like, Why is the moon turning red? Is it bleeding?

The answer is yes. No. Maybe. This solstice December 21 brings with it a full lunar eclipse. The first solstice lunar eclipse since 1554, according to NASA. Beginning around 1:30 am EST which is around 5:30 Universal Time, the shadow of the earth will swallow the full moon for some 72 minutes of celestial mayhem. I don’t want to alarm anyone but the last time this happened it wasn’t good! Remember 1554? Me either. NOBODY DOES! Sounds like a total blackout to me.  A dreaded Year of Darkness.

So how can we prevent this happening again? Well Oldentimers knew what to do in this situation. Those decorations are not just about annoying your neighbors. They have roots in survival – and preventing another year of darkness. Start by decorating your holiday tree appropriately. A traditional tree is not just a convenient gift stand, it’s a trap for dangerous spirits. You use it to lure the spirits of darkness indoors with a happy green tree decked with edible. This is very important. Traditional decorations included nuts, apples, muffins and long strips of bacon draped over the branches. In short, everything a spirit needs to stay warm and happy and out of trouble! Compare that to the Christmas trees of today. How many spirits will starve in those boughs, hung with glittering plastic balls and synthetic garlands? Do we really need to be reminded that any spirit with the MUNCHIES is a NASTY one? Take my word for it. Pop some damn corn, slap it on a string and get it up there *STAT!* You family is depending on you. Better yet, break out some bacon and drape it over the branches. That will keep them busy longer. Where do you think tinsil comes from anyway?

Xmas Bacon
Xmas Baconsil!

After you’ve fed the spirits, it’s time to pitch in on the annual Luring of the Light. Unless you really WANT to live in darkness for 12 more months? If not, then get out there and cajole the sun like your ancestors did. Remember, electric lights don’t count. Dust off that Yule log and haul it in and if you haven’t kept one from last year? First of all SHAME ON YOU!  With the annual fate of the whole world at stake all you had to do was save a piece of log. Was that really so hard? Now what? Maybe light a candle, preferably two.  There’s no hard data on how much light our star requires to make its encore, so every flame counts.

Take this advice and all should go smoothly again this Solstice. Spirits stay happy, the sun will return and we finish Christmas shopping on December 24 like the triumphant seasonal survivors that we have always historically been.