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New Vampire Technique of Doctor V

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Doctor Villeda has unveiled a new anti-aging vampire technique that could turn human seniors into new vampire hybrids who pump young blood into their veins to stay young.

An SOS 99.98% true story in progress..

Doctor Villeda Defends His Vampire Technique

Dr Villeda (below) developed his vampire technique in a stomach-churning experiment performed at his not-so-secret laboratory known to Stanford University insiders as, “The V Lab.”  He sewed young mice to old mice and forced them to share blood.

And it worked. At least for one of them. It succeeded in making the old mice younger, cognitively speaking.

But in a new and disturbing vampire research twist there was just one little unfortunate side effect for the young mouse. While the old mouse became younger, the young mouse actually grew older. 

How long would this premature aging effect last for the young blood donor? Until all the oldster blood has worked its way out of their systems? Or would they have to find a younger person to feed on? What about traditional vampires? They don’t even make blood. Could they be killed by these  aging human-vampire hybrids? Exactly how often would these new human-vampire seniors need to feed on young blood?  All of this is unknown.

Now Dr. V has riled up human doctors by proposing to begin testing his new vampire technique on aging humans.

‘Although this may suggest that Dracula author Bram Stoker had ideas way ahead of his time, temporarily plumbing teenagers’ blood supplies into those of their great-grandparents does not seem a particularly feasible future therapy for cognitive decline in ageing,” stated human professor Andrew Randall.

Not to mention young vampires are none too pleased.

“How about I sew Dr. V’s lips to my grandma’s butt?” responded the vampire Carmilla by email. “It’s an abomination. It’s not enough we have to worry about crazy people with wooden stakes now we have to fight these weird reverse-vampire hybrids?”

Although Carmilla agrees that Dr. Villeda’s stomach-churning new research could help some child vampires who really want to graduate middle school, vampires usually become vampires because they don’t want to grow up and they certainly don’t want to grow old.

“Gray hair is pretty cool I guess. But you don’t actually need to sew yourself to your grandma in order to get it.”

So if you are a young person – or a vampire – be on the lookout for this man Dr. Villeda and beware of any grandparents running around with sewing needles.

For my part, I am writing an bracing email to Dr. V right now, requesting that he please NOT sew any kids to their grannies and check out this vampire research from McMaster University instead. I’ll let you know if it works.

Vampire Hypnotist Show at Girls School

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) A hypnotism show disaster at a girls’ boarding school in Quebec, Canada this week left students in a trance for days. Everyone wants to know, was this really the work of a vampire hypnotist?

The hypnotism show took place at Sacred Heart College (College du Sacre-Coeur) in Sherbrooke, Quebec during the lunch hour. It was supposed to be a fun, end-of-school event but the hypnotist, a mysterious 20 year-old named Max Nadeau, was a little too good at his job. Supernaturally good, some say. The show left over a dozen girls with mysterious trance symptoms and several girls remained stuck in a trance.

An SOS 99.98% truer-than-true story in progress….

Is this the work of a vampire hypnotist?

Trance symptoms experienced by the students included everything from headache and nausea to at least six students who were unable to wake up.

When the Principal Danielle Leveille contacted the site asking for advice on Friday, I gave her my opinion. These girls are clearly suffering from vampire thrall. Think about it, what easier job for a vampire than hypnotist? I didn’t even have to see a photo of this Maxime Nadeau to know that his eyes would be an unusual color with small, elongated pupils.

I recommended the students be put under strict supervision until a cure could be found.

Unfortunately, when it comes to vampire thrall there is no permanent cure that is 100% effective. Arguably the strongest weapon of the vampire, apart from that whole immortality business, is this ability to turn unsuspecting mortals into love-sick, thrall slaves.

I told M.s Leveille the best chance for these girls would be for  a witch or wizard to try breaking the thrall through re-hypnotizing them. But even then, these girls will need to be carefully monitored for the rest of their lives. Once the thrall has set in, it’s just a matter or time before the sickness and cravings to be in the presence of the immortal beloved take over.

We will find out more at a press conference on Tuesday. Until then survivors are advised to remember, it may seem like harmless fun to watch your friend waddle around like a duck or suck his thumb in front of everyone, but you won’t be laughing later when he’s walking down the middle of the road in his pyjamas looking for his immortal mommy.

Okay maybe you’ll still laugh a little bit then. But after that it gets less funny. I’m talking about the part where he is killing juicy innocents and dragging them home to his new ice-cold GF. Make no mistake, when it comes to vampire thrall, that’s where he’s headed.

Tuesday Update: At today’s press conference, school principal Mrs. Leveille stated, “The girls are all fine, just fine, fine and you are all getting very, very sleepy…”

High School Vampire Security Lesson

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF?) Thanks to Quinlan for the disturbing article of the week re: a vampire incident at a New York city high school. A reminder to all survivors to ensure that your school takes appropriate anti-vampire precautions. 

A New York City high school that was once sued for failing to prevent a devastating vampire attack on three girls, insists they now practice appropriate anti-vampire security measures. But some dateless prom students are saying it may be too much!

According to the New York Post, in 2006 a vampiress savagely attacked three girls at Hillcrest High School, sinking her teeth into the girls’ necks in a series of bizarre bloodlettings.

One of the victims, Michelle Melendez, told the Post that the vampiress drew blood her neck and face, leaving disfiguring teeth marks on her jaw line and throat.

Another SOS 99.98% truer-than-true story…

Are strict anti-vampire measures scaring away hot vampire BFs too?

 

“She was trying to get my jugular vein. I couldn’t even believe it was going on,” Melendez said, adding her attacker dragged her down to the ground. “There was blood flowing all over my face. My skin was in her mouth, and she wouldn’t let go,” Melendez said. “She just bites like crazy – she eats your flesh. For some reason, she just likes to bite.”

She was able to push off the crazed teen, who fled, leaving Melendez bleeding profusely from cuts and bites on her face and neck. She also suffered a broken finger.

The vampire attack left the victim fearful, tormented by nightmares and in need plastic surgery to restore her face:

“I don’t like to be alone,” she said. Even sleep is no respite, she said, because of a nightmare in which a crazed attacker “is biting me everywhere.”

Online reports indicate Melendez’s attacker fled the community the week following these bizarre attacks, leaving only the family puppy behind.

No official response from Hillcrest High School is available at this time but unofficially, students who defend their school insist that Hillcrest High School now practices top-notch vampire security measures.

“Students here are not allowed to wear hoodies, ball caps or sunglasses inside, plus there are UV light bulbs in every classroom and also holy water in both the boys and girls’ bathrooms. Oh and really strong garlic is added to every school lunch,” said a Hillcrest High School student we’ll call “Jane,” because she doesn’t want to be named.

“In fact I would say the vampire security measures are a little too good. I’ll never meet a cute immortal guy with my breath smelling like this!” Jane adds that she is thinking of transferring schools.

Suspected Child Vampire Terrorizes Discount Store

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Child vampire terrorizes discount store
Seven year-old boy attacked by suspected vampire in discount store

Disturbing reports from Vancouver, Canada this week, a mysterious attacker terrorizes bathroom patron at a popular discount store.

Police in Abbotsford, BC report a mysterious bite attack on a seven year-old boy in a Costco washroom.

According to Cst. Ian MacDonald, a 10-year-old boy allegedly crawled under the partition of a locked bathroom stall and bit a seven-year-old boy who was minding his own business within around noon on Saturday.

Police are asking the public for help identifying the suspected child vampire, who is described as approximately 10 years-old with dark hair and dark clothing and possibly a camouflage sweater.

Meanwhile Supernatural Surviviologist Seth Greening, totally NOT interviewing himself to make this article seem more official, is working with the family of the seven year old boy to treat the suspicious bite and hopefully prevent an unwelcome transformation.

But the question remains, what was a vampire doing at Costco? Vampires as we all know are better known for their exquisite taste in just about everything. Most of them would not be caught undead patrolling a Costco bathroom which are better known for the possible presence of zombies.

“Remember this was a suspected child vampire,” says Seth wisely. “This is why most responsible vampire covens have a very restricted recruitment policy. If I could get my hands on the irresponsible biter who engendered this wild young vampire I would…” (Seth urges readers to fill in the dots here with any scenario that doesn’t include getting the life sucked out of me, er him.)

Or maybe it wasn’t a vampire at all. Maybe it was something else…?