swords

Did Mysterious Medieval Sword Loss Make Ivan Terrible?

An eternal sword found buried beneath a tree of life in Russia hacks headlines this week as the researcher who discovered it claims this sword could be the stolen blade that helped make the Russian Tsar, Ivan the Onion Breath, so very Terrible.

The mysterious medieval sword was discovered buried at the base of a birch tree known in Russia as a tree of life by researchers who said it was so incredibly well-preserved that it sparkled.

“I was scared to raise it from the ground,” said Russian researcher Vyacheslav Molodin who helped uncover the sword. “I slowly twisted it, noting sparkles of silver on the guard and blade. It was so well-preserved you could in fact use it in battle almost straight away.”

The sword bears a clear inscription in Latin devoting it to God and the Eternal. But to whom did it belong?

Having raised the sword himself and survived, Mr. Molodin now devotes his life to solving the matter and this week he put forth a new theory –>> this is the sword of Ivan the Terrible himself, taken from his armoury by one of his own knights.

Widely regarded as one of the most ruthless leaders in history, Mr. The Terrible was the orphan who loved killing people and onions. Two facts that until today have been widely reported and linked. In fact he loved onions so much he made churches have onion tops after declaring himself the first Tsar of Russia in the 16th Century. And he loved killing people so much that among thousands of others at the end of his life he inexplicably killed his own favourite son, possibly with this very sword. But was it really just too many onions that mad him mad at the end of his life? Or something more?

“While onions are notably hardy and good for you, people who eat too many of them may become foul-breathed and bad-tempered,” states a warning from the Ontario Onion Council. “Excessive onion eaters are 50X more likely to kill their own heirs than any other vegetable eating demographic.”

But if Mr. Molodin’s theory is true, Ivan’s terrible temper may have been less about the onions and more about the loss of his epic weapon. Did Ivan kill to get it back? Did the ruler really give the blade to his favourite knight or did he suspect his own son of taking it without permission? If so or not, how does it then wind up buried for centuries at the base of a tree known as a Tree of Life?

Mr. Molodin says we can’t be sure if the blade was buried intentionally or just dropped here in the heat of battle but those who are more prone to burying relics at the bases of trees of life have a more elaborate theory.

“Clearly the sword was stolen from Ivan and buried here to await a more worthy wielder. I suspect this made old onion-breath mad enough he started killing everyone to find it,” stated one such relic burier.

While the mystery continues and we await Mr. Molodin’s definitive findings, survivors are advised to look hard beneath any trees of life for any telltale signs there may be an eternal blade buried beneath it. Also to watch Mr. Molodin’s Facebook page for any telltale signs of aging, madness or killing sprees that could indicate he may be joining the ranks of magic-mad immortals. 

Seth