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What’s New in Monstrometer 3.1

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Hail Survivors!

I know it has been a long time since I have posted and even longer since the Monstrometer was last updated. Both of those issues are about to be corrected and my long absence will soon be explained.

A new version of the Monstrometer is on the way in just a few short days.

Below behold the change log for Monstrometer 3.1:

  • Surprise major new announcements from SOS!
  • 64-bit code base to make scanning your friends (and frenemies!) even faster!
  • Now compatible with iOS 11 and all the new iPhone, iPad and iPod Touch models (even the iPhone X!)
    (minimum version of iOS is now 9 but if you have an older device you can still download previous versions)
  • Optimized for iPhone X and both 4.7″ and 5.5″ iPhones and the iPad Pro (all sizes).
  • Improved video playback!
  • Fixed a bug on iPad where scrolling to the end of the Lupine Life videos list was impossible.

Thank you for your patience and thank you keeping on keeping on.

More announcements coming soon! Below is a little sneak peek!

Survival yours,

Seth

Frost Moon Survivor of the Month

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Who will it be?

The Frost Moon is rising to its fullest and frostiest and werewolves everywhere are curling up in their cribs, or roaming free – hopefully NOT in search of angels. Yes, I know this is also technically speaking the Moon of Angels but is that any reason to go looking for a fight?

Why not stop here at SOS instead? I’ll be posting clues about the Survivor of the Month. And this month we will also be inducting one member to the SOS Hall of Fame. One long overdue member.

Enough said here are the first clues. I’ll add some details to them throughout the night. Answers and prizes posted tomorrow….

Frost Moon Survivor of the Month Clues:

1. This Survivor hates wet fur.

2. This Survivor runs with a group of coyote shape shifters.

3. This Survivor is member of a very interesting Zombie Apocalypse Survival team.

4. This Survivor lives in a very dangerous situation. Members of her friend’s family could be A-51 agents.

Guessed it? That’s right it’s:

Moon Song

A small Survivor of the Month iTunes thank you is on the way to Moon Song. Or it will be as soon as I send it! Thanks to everyone who contributed to Survival this month. You keep me keeping on. It may not always look like it, but Graham and I and other survivors all over the globe are always thinking of epic new things we can do with your valuable research and epic tales of survival, so please keep on keeping on. (Seriously. We get dozens of emails every week about it.)

Also, I promised a Hall of Famer this month. Hall of Fame members are not quasi-random like Survivor of the Month. Hall of Famers are beings who have contributed to the survival of countless others here at SOS, including mine. I rely on these Hall of Famers for warnings and reliable research along with general help and goodwill toward other survivors on the site. Like all of us, they come and go on important and sometimes secret survival missions but always seem to keep in touch one way or another. So without further ado, this month one more survivor will be inducted into the SOS Hall of Fame. You will no doubt, recognize him, he’s often the first to greet a new survivor on the site, maybe because of his wings. Yes, that’s right it’s:

Zyboragon

 

Thanks to everyone who contributed to survival this moon. Without you there would be no survival. Please check back for the true account of Moon Song and the Hall of Fame story of Zyboragon – coming up as soon as I send their prizes. Don’t forget to check out some frosty full moon poetry  by Ashpaw if you haven’t already. Or check out the werewolves at yourlupinelife who posted the true story of the Frost Moon along with the epic tale of Louis Pine. (I’m pining for more! When is there more???)

More later! Thanks for keeping on keeping on with SOS.

Of Zombies and Cauliflower

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First there was Zyboragon’s trademark Zombie Berries, then zombie mints, now get ready for latest news in ZMRT (Zombies Meal Replacement Therapy) *awesome drumroll here* …cauliflower? More specifically, fields of rotting cauliflowers? Really?

That’s the astonishing claim this week from a group of Survivors behind a new game called Zombie Apocalypse – How Cauliflower Saved My Life.

But could cauliflower really be the brainiest anti-zombie weapon in your arsenal? Or just another odorific cruciferous crutch that’s likely to get you crucified?

So when I first received an email about this phenomenon from a Survivor known as Marc, I filed it for further reference. I didn’t want to offend Marc after all he is a longtime survivor and quiet fan of the site by email – but I don’t fall for every marketing fad fuelled by soft science.

(Unless it involves Spray Nine. But then it’s NOT a marketing fad, it’s just The Truth.)

But to summarize Marc’s story, it goes roughly like this:

1. On Halloween, Survivor Marc was forced from his home by a roving horde of zombies. I’m not sure where he is located, judging by recent reports, possibly California. Point is, Marc immediately assumed it was the Zombie Apocalypse. Not just a freak frankenmoon outbreak or pre-apocalypse attack but THE Zombie Apocalypse.

2. Survivor Marc immediately initiated his personal Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan which involves, among other things, his Jeep, miscellaneous weaponry, some camping gear and other supplies like the free car wash he got with his last fill.

3. Unfortunately Survivor Marc’s last fill was in 2008. Survivor Marc works at home and doesn’t like his neighbours, so he never goes out. Unless it’s a zombie apocalypse.

4. So he tore off through his back yard and into his neighbour, Juan Odey’s yard, the zombies shambling after him.

5. Marc’s neighbour, Juan Odey is an avid vegetable gardener who enjoys planting cauliflower. Unfortunately, he doesn’t enjoy eating it. Or picking it. Normally Juan just leaves his cauliflower rotting in gooey, smelly, pulpy piles in his yard until spring – see photo above.

6. Long story short – too late – at one point Marc think’s he’s a goner for sure after tripping and sinking into a stinking, heaving head of unharvested cauliflower. He writes that the smell alone almost made him want to take his chances with the zombies.

7. But then something very strange happened. The zombies immediately stopped their pursuit of him and attacked the rotting cauliflowers instead, chowing down like they were the most delicious brain take-out ever. Marc remembers thinking, So that’s why Juan doesn’t harvest his cauliflower!

Can cauliflower really save your life in a zombie apocalypse?

The moral of the story is, Survivor Marc still doesn’t like his neighbours, except for Juan Odey. But now they all love cauliflower! The whole neighbourhood. They claim it keeps their neighbourhood 99.98% zombie free. They are planning to plant a cauliflower perimeter come spring.

Understandably, Marc claims that it saved his life. He went so far as to make a free game to spread the word called Zombie Apocalypse – How Cauliflower Saved My Life.

(Although if you DO decide to download his game from the iTunes store, try not to notice how he changed the story so that he is the hero and not his neighbour Juan.)

 I downloaded the game and I have to admit that while it’s very entertaining, something about this story stinks and it’s this. If zombies really do love rotten cauliflower that much, what kind of gardener plants a zombie cauliflower garden year after year? 

A zombie cauliflower gardener that’s who!

Let’s just say, I’m looking into this Juan Odey, Zombie Cauliflower Gardener now…

Remember Captain Mantell, First UFO Chaser

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(SOS/WTF/ASAP) An important survival reminder this week from the example of flying ace and UFO chaser Captain Thomas F. Mantell. UFOs may look pretty cool but they are dangerous and should not be chased.

Captain Mantell UFO Chaser

Captain Mantell should know. He died chasing a UFO. Those who remember the captain kept his memory alive this week reminding others of his cautionary tale on TV.

The story goes like this. Thomas Mantell is a member of the Kentucky Air National Guard on January 7, 1948. A WWII flying ace. He is flying over Kentucky with three other Guard planes one afternoon when reports of an unidentified flying object come over the radio. A mysterious, metallic flying craft described as  extremely large, round and white in color with a red light toward it’s bottom.

(Remember, this incident happened mere months after the famous Roswell incidents when two UFOs allegedly crashed or were shot down, depending on whose version of events you believe.)

Captain Mantell spots the strange craft and initiates pursuit. The UFO responds by climbing up up, higher and higher into the air. And then it seems to slow down as if to let the captain catch up.

The captain continues to chase the UFO for 45 full minutes. “The object is directly ahead of and above me now, moving at about half my speed … I’m still climbing… trying to close in for a better look.”

These are Captain Mantell’s historic last words, uttered over the radio of his F-51 at 30,000 feet. Moments later he crashes to his death, still strapped into his seat.

Captain Mantell shot down by an alien

What causes the crash? The debate rages on. Lack of oxygen, some say. He passed out.

Others maintain that an alien pilot toyed with the captain, leading him on a high altitude chase before shooting him down, perhaps avenging his lost colleague shot down in the desert by humans.

However he died, the lesson is clear to everyone still working hard to keep the memory of Captain Montell alive. The UFO Survivors Society of Kentucky is asking survivors to honor the captain’s memory by not chasing any UFOs this week.

No matter how many M & Ms you have in your pocket. No matter how curious you are or how shiny awesome their technology appears, think of Captain Thomas Montell and just don’t do it.

Get Your Ghost Gabbing With Cherry Pie

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New research says cherry pie will get your ghost talking

(SOS/WTF/ASAP) Got a moany ghost in your house who won’t tell you want he wants? Help this week comes from an unlikely source. Hint: it’s all about the cherry pie!

Getting your ghost(s) to talk to you is possibly the penultimate problem of paranormal research. Helping your ethereal friends find eternal rest can be really hard if the only way they can express their feelings is with bleeding walls, rattling chains and banging cupboards.

But what is the best way to communicate with your resident restless dead? It’s a question that has plagued supernatural survivologists throughout history. Well surprising new research presented this week at a ghost convention claims to have found the key. And believe it or not, it’s just this – cherry pie.

As everyone reading this probably knows, I am not a paranormal researcher per sey. I am just a supernatural surivologist. But  the latest research is always an important survival tool. So that’s why when I heard about the Maritime Ghost Conference, I called immediately to see if there was room for me. Or rather the ghost of me. It’s a Ghost Conference after all.

Unfortunately when I called the conference, organizer Ghostly David Hanson knew right away that I was no harmless haunter and would not allow me to register. Apparently my area code is a dead giveaway that I’m among the living. Who knew.

Ghostly David Hanson Sees Alive People!

Fortunately though, for the right price, I was allowed to observe. The Maritime Ghost Conference takes place every year at night on the cool old ships you see at the San Diego Maritime Museum. It’s a perfect opportunity for ghosts to gather in a high-ion flow zone where it’s easier to manifest and talk about important ghostly issues. Like, how to bug the e-meters of paranormal researchers and cause them read their own body ions. Stuff like that.

So what about the cherry pie? Well I’m getting to that. One session aboard the Star of India teaches ghosts how to communicate through EVP or electronic voice phenomenon. As we all know, ghosts generally have important messages for people. Things that need resolving. Business that needs finishing. So they need to know how to activate the paranormal recording equipment in fun ways that will get human’s attention. In other words, the secret language of ghosts.

Problem is, sometimes ghost messages are hard for ghosts to communicate. Either the human voice apparatus was irreparably damaged during his or her passage or the ghost is having too much fun and wants to prolong the mission or maybe sometimes it’s just too hard to say what really needs to be said.

And that’s where the cherry pie comes in. (Like I said this is a story about ghosts and cherry pie.) During a break in proceedings, one of the ghosts started talking about cherry pie. Next thing you know, all of the ghosts are talking about cherry pie, how they would give anything for one more bite of cherry pie. Deep dish vs shallow. A la mode or whip cream. I have never seen a longer, conversation about cherry pie in my life.

“Ghosts just love cherry pie. They can’t eat it anymore but they sure love to talk about it.” Ghost Conference organizer  and paranormal researcher named David Schulz said. “That’s the best way to get a ghost talking. Ask them about cherry pie.”

And that’s how cherry pie becomes an important supernatural survival tool to get your ghost gabbing.

 

This Week In Survival

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French revolutionaries had very long weeks: 10 days.

(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Introducing the first of an ongoing series, in which I congratulate survivors on another week of supernatural survival and try my best to recap the epic events taking place on our pages, who is surviving and how and why.

So without further ado, if you did in fact succeed in surviving this week Sept. 17, 2012 – congratulations! Keep on keeping on. It was a loooong week. Not quite as long as a vampire week, but at least as long as a French Revolutionary week pictured in this calendar.

(220 years ago today, French Revolutionary survivors officially declared that weeks would henceforth be 10 days long instead of just 7.)

Meanwhile, what’s happening around here? Look below for summaries and links:

1. A big week for witches, who survived equinox or Mabon celebrations this week. Did anyone bake and eat a god this weekend? Ask Bebe here.

2.  This week Pauzzis, a long surviving vampire who succeeded in turning half-mermaid with a full-moon spell last summer and survived the Hunger Games, stopped by to say HI and show us her strange new locket. Read about Pauzzis’ survival here.

3. An enigmatic new survivor named Evranth who is a (no laughing please) vampiric were-turtle *I SAID NO LAUGHING*  (Do you really want to enrage a vampiric were-turtle?) Anyway, Evranth, not content to be both vampire and turtle, now seeks to become draconian. Zyboragon has been helping him survive. Want to help Zyboragon advise Evranth? Click here. (Quietly please. Don’t wake our draconian friend You-know-who.)

(If you don’t know who, better for you. You don’t want to know who.)

4. Baxter the blue collar robot was introduced to the world this week. He costs less than a student load and he’s looking for work on an assembly near you. Got a job for Baxter? Check it out. He brings donuts everyday.

5. An SOS distress call from a new survivor. Lucas the Werelord appears to be facing a werewolf hunter and The Doctor is trying to help him. Got anything you can add? Check it out here.

6. Finally, a warning to all survivors about a certain vampiric being name Nero, who appears to have a form that involves a tail and a blood-hungry friend, is lurking around here and here. To be fair, he does appear to be looking into blood subsitutes but well, judge for yourself.

And that’s about it for this week. If I’ve missed anything please add to the comments below and I will add it.

Coming up? The Singing Moon Surivivor of the month. Now this one will be the ultimate test to see if my app is bugged by a helpy A.I. or not. Will the winner be a singer this month?

Keep on keeping on to find out!