Shapeshifter Scientists Strike Gold in Study
Ever been sidelined by a shapeshifter and asked yourself, how the heck…?
You’re not alone. And it’s not your fault. Therianthropic research to date has been shifty at best, misleading at worst and all we could say for sure about this particular species of supernatural being is well, good luck.
Thankfully a little good news this week. Researchers discovered the tiny gold particles that assemble into crystalline structures when you add DNA to the solution that surrounds them and reshape themselves in response to light.
“This is a massive shift in our understanding of these slippery superstars,” says Professor Dominic Von Buren.
Shapeshifter scientist chemist Chad Mirkin and colleagues at
Northwestern University, Evanston, in Illinois. Mirkin coated gold nanoparticles with DNA to make “hairpins,” single strands of DNA in which the end is sticky ie: will bind to another nanoparticle.
They further report seeing these different sticky pins form 10 different crystals and create more than 500 different forms.
But Seth how will this help me survive an encounter with a shapeshiftsr? you ask.
Well it won’t, is my short answer. But this research solves some of the mystery surrounding the shapeshifter and their environment. In short, it does provide you with some useful intel that will help you spot the shapeshifter lurking in your lair before they spot you?
Is there a shapeshifter lurking in your lair?
- Yes. Probably.
This DNA research makes it more likely than ever to find a shapeshifter impersonating a seemingly innocent, everyday object in your home. So keep a careful inventory of everything in your HQ. Especially everything made of metal, glass or stone. If you can’t remember buying that gold Egyptian mummy cat paperweight that’s probably because it’s not a real gold Egyptian mummy cat paperweight. It’s a merciless shapeshifter waiting for their moment to attack.
Either that or it’s a carelessly planted Area 51 bug. Either way, get rid of it.
2. What’s that sparkly stuff on the floor?
Here’s what it’s not – a vampire. We all know that by now. This research confirms this as a sign of a shapeshifter. First things first. They are NOT blue in their base form. That’s only in the comics. They are crystalline. Secondly, shifters have trouble maintaining their combined forms for very long so they tend to leave a trail of sticky crystal crumbs as clues in their wake. And it’s not like they clean up after themselves. How do you suppose scientist got their DNA in the first place?
Look on the bright side, maybe it’s real diamonds. Pick them up and pawn them after the shapeshifter is done crystallizing you.
3. Why is my hand stuck to the wall?
Probably because it’s not your wall anymore it’s a shapeshifter impersonating your wall and that’s what you get for leaving bare concrete in your bunker.
The bad news here is you’re stuck now prepare to fight. The good news is you can largely prevent this with a bit of paint. The palette of pigments in a complex pattern of good paint will make it harder for a shifter to get it right, thus buying you valuable time to get away. So don’t wait – decorate your bunker. It seems frivolous but it could save your life.
4. Shapeshifters need light.
This research proves what we’ve long suspected, namely that shapeshifters require light to potentiate their shifty powers. So cut the lights the second you suspect a shifter has infiltrated and access your ninja training to fight.
Of course this won’t help if it is a ninja and not a shapeshifter at all. For which scenario please see the SOS survival guarantee.
Well that’s all for now Survivors. It’s not everything, I know. But it’s not nothing. And it might just help you survive in this world full of supernatural chaos.
So long may we keep on keeping on.
