Severed zombie hands made into drinking cups Zombie hands you can drink from violate basic standards for ZSE safety and good taste.
An alarming Survivor email this week alerting the world to a dangerous new holiday trend – the processing of trafficked zombie body parts into horrifically unsafe albeit er, HANDY little holiday gifts.
Now anyone who has watched my zombie month videos knows that I am in no position to discourage the ordering of scientific zombie specimens from dubious providers.
Okay so I may have performed a somewhat risky autopsy on a zombie specimen and endangered the life and grades of my best friend Graham – but really who hasn’t? (If you haven’t seen it I invite you to please watch below.)
However, ordering a zombie specimen from a reputable laboratory to explore and promote basic rules of zombie survival is a far cry from trafficking in the grisly gift of undead dishes shown here in this gift-giving holiday guide. While it may seem entertaining or even cute to serve your holiday punch in the severed, hollowed-out ulna of an undead zombie, consider the consequences. Not only will your zombie-nog take on the taste and texture of putrified flesh, but you may well be toasting your last yule among the lively. Studies demonstrate zombie-infection can result from the ingestion of even a single zombie prion and it would take more than a thin coat of urethane to convince me these zombie trophies have been FDA approved.
Second and maybe more important, before giving the gift of goo this holiday consider this: RETALIATION. Not just from the growing horde of ultra-organized zombies like the Zombie Actors’ Guild or ZAG but retaliation of an even more horrific kind. I’m talking about your itchy bulky, ill-fitting sweaters. Your novelty santa undershorts. Your too-small sport socks. Do you know how many men and boys are admitted to hospital every year with gangrenous feet caused by your retaliatory Hanukah socks? I’m saying DO YOU REALLY WANT TO START A GRISLY GIFT WAR? If not, then please, for your own safety, think before you wrap up one of these.
(BTW please help me continue to boycott ZOMBIESPECIMENS DOT COM. They are still so not the most reliable providers of zombie specimens on the Internet.)