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Yawn Test Exposes Psychopaths Says Scientists but Yawning Flaw Remains

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Science and psychopaths expose yawning flaw in new yawn test

A new test to reveal potential psychos by yawning in their faces to see if they yawn back is welcome news to both survivors and psychopaths this week, who reveal the real yawning flaw.

Out potential pyschopaths with a yawn
Out potential psychopaths with a yawn test

When a Baylor University study showed how potential psychopaths do not
catch group yawn contagion because they have no empathy, survivors everywhere began conducting secret secret yawn tests.

“I told my parents the swim teacher here was a psycho when kids started disappearing but they didn’t believe me!” said a Crystal Lake camper named Samantha who organized her entire swim class to yawn- test the instructor. “Then I proved it with this video. See how we’re all yawning at the same time, right in her face? Well she never, ever yawns back!”

“Now my parents say if I survive maybe I won’t have to come back next year.”

“I guess they couldn’t get their money back.”

The new yawn-test study was unexpectedly welcome news to the psychopathic community too.

“So that’s why everyone has been yawing in my face!” said Camp Crystal Lake’s psychopathic swim teacher. “For a while I thought maybe I had to starting killing kids ahead of schedule to avoid boring them to death instead!”

Instead the psychopathic swim teacher intends to stick to her original killing schedule of one or two children every night until the final spree that will finally eliminate Samantha.

“Also maybe I’ll sign up for that new yawn-faking workshop the camp director is giving for staff,” she added.

Meanwhile Supernatural Survivologist Seth Greening reminds survivors when it comes to detecting supernatural threats in your environment, there is no substitute for his handy free diagnostic app The Monstrometer.

“Your survival is virtually guaranteed, 99.98% or your money back!” he promises.

V-Day Friday One Three Alert: PSYCHO STALKER STORM

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EXPECT PSYCHO STALKER SQUALL

(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Get out of bed if you dare today, it’s the most most dread day of the year… you know… Valentine’s Day. I mean Friday the 13th. Part V.

Of course I don’t mean part five of one of my favourite movie franchises, which would in fact be scary awesome as opposed to the real scarifrying prospect of a Friday One-Three right before Valentine’s Day. Not one but two unlucky holidays devoted to psycho stalkers, back to back, each amplifying the effect of the other.

Let’s review. St. Valentine’s Day, more accurately known as STALKER DAY, remains the second scariest holiday founded on a grisly public execution that we celebrate. It was actually St. Valentine himself, imprisoned for his heinous crime of marrying young people, who first discovered the obsessive love that still marks the day. The kind of love that can only lead to anonymous flower deliveries, bad poetry, suspicious chocolates, dead pets and/or endless legal wrangling.

At least that’s what everybody brought St. Valentine in prison. Dude was a sitting duck for every love struck loon within pilgrammaging distance of his prison cell. And back then-a-days the logistics of stalking were daunting. Your average stalker had to first train his own snail to deliver his unwanted mail and/or ride for days on end with a load powertools and roses that usually died enroute.

Contrast that to today, when anyone with a valid pay card and a reliable internet connection can become a dangerous stalker with a few clicks and taps lapses in higher judgement and higher emotion. At a time when it has become so easy for anyone to unleash their inner stalker, your life may depend on stalker-proofing this Valentine’s Day. I’m
not saying all stalkers are killers. Some of them are just people hired to refill shelves at night. Some of them are just Graham.

But keep in mind the corollary, a high percentage of serial killers are in fact or were at one time, stalkers. That’s why I urge you today to review FRIDAY ONE-THREE V RULES FOR STALKER SELF DEFENCE.

Revenge of the Giant Bunnies

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Los Angeles – Photos of menacing bunnies hopping in from all over the world today.

I know it’s Easter, a solemn occasion we mark with eggs and chocolate ostensibly provided by a powerful bunny-like creature but survivors, if your chocolate comes hand-delivered by a lurching Leporidae disguised as leader of the safety patrol, or a vicious chihuahua riding a giant rabbit (below) just say no.

All over the world giant rabbits wreaking havoc.

What’s going on here? Well recall rabbits have been animals of prey for tens of thousands of years. Imagine, twenty thousand years of other animals eating you. That can really get to a species.

Now imagine your best defense strategy is freezing, thumping your tail and making lots of little leverets to try and beat the odds aka: the you-can’t-kill-us-all! defense.

Likewise, the humble Chihuahua has been the brunt of jokes for at least as long. Is this the year together they finally wreak their revenge on us all? This photo from England today shows them teaming up to stop traffic and terrify firefighters.

If you see either of these suspicious rabbits, just run. I can not stress this enough. Do not accept the chocolate. Do not snap a photo. Do not text “OMG’. Okay well maybe the photo. But then run. Just make sure that you email me the photo!

Friday the 13th Action Plan

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Friday the 13th remains the second most confusing holiday on the calendar after Black Noodle Day. Is it good luck or bad?  A time to celebrate or fear?  And what is the best way to deal with it? Should you:

Download for 2012.
Download for 2012.

a) Invite 11 of your favorite witches to party in the woods? Or

b) Spend the day avenging the untimely death of a loved one, say your son, mother or the slaughter of your entire secret order of Templar Knights? Or

c) Try very hard to avoid anyone who just answered a or b?

Adding to this confusion, the historical record indicates Friday the 13th is actually a very lucky day for some people like: drivers, insurance companies and stock brokers named Bob.

Understandably you might feel like locking down in your home until the dreaded day has passed. But that would be a big mistake. Sure it might work today and you might survive this time but what will you do for the dreaded year 2012. This year has three – count them 1-2-3 – Friday the 13th. Is it any wonder the Mayans gave up calendaring on THAT year?

It’s a terrifying thought but don’t you give up. You don’t need a paraskevidekatriaologist to follow my three-step Friday the 13th Action Plan. It’s simple and it goes right to the root of the problem. No more agonizing over questions like, Do I just kill Jason AGAIN? Or Jason and his Mom and his friend Roy and his freaktarded son too?

No the key to my action plan is right next door, as close as that neighbour on the 14th floor of your building.  (Just don’t take the elevator to get there.) It’s about magic and math. Friday the 13th = Friday + 13. Both scary and unlucky enough on their own. Take Friday. The social pressure to get lucky on a Friday is scary enough for average looking people, without even considering the legacy left on the day by that most eponymous witch, Frigga.

Add to the unluckiness of “Friday” the number 13. Now Asian survivors please be patient here, but for Westerners the number “13” has been taboo since Jesus fired little-known 13th Apostle Doug before his manuscript The Gospel According to Doug could find a publisher. A fact reinforced today by scientists who have discovered that 12 is the maximum number of names a middle-manager can effectively forget before accidentally getting one right.

So how do you fight a day and a number? Well, the path is clear – divide and conquer. My action plan will eradicate both factors, and put an end to both Friday and 13 once and for all. It just requires a few minor adjustments to your calendar – see photos below. I would advise you to begin with Friday, you’ll see why. I think of it now as Thurs 2 but whatever works for you. “Pre-Saturday,” or “Saturday Eve,” although clunky, remain good options.

Eliminating all 52 Fridays from your calendar alone is probably enough to keep you safe but if your elevator doesn’t go past the twelfth floor you can embark on a 13 elimination plan too. Yes this will shorten your year somewhat – by roughly 52 days which over a lifetime equals around 4160 days. But think of it this way, time is relative and that was 11.4 UNLUCKY years, permitting you to enjoy the time you have left that much more.

Introducing the SOS F-13 Calendar:

To save time – which if you eliminate both Friday and 13 from your calendar you are going to need! – you can download my free F-13 Safe Calendar. Graham is working on it right now, with the help of crack team of coders, griselled veterans of the Great Calendar War of 1999. Once downloaded my calendar program will eliminate both Friday and 13 from your computer and life in seconds. Watch your life get luckier and luckier – or your money back.

It’s virtually guaranteed.

What’s New in Monstrometer 2.2?

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What’s new in Monstrometer 2.2? If you say it out loud you will discover that that I am a poet and I didn’t even know it.

The BIG change is that Graham and I fixed the way that the Survival Videos play. They were generally not working the way that you would want them to thanks to a change in the OS and we tried for months to fix it but now we finally figured it out. So if you never have before please take a look at the videos. There are lots of ways to get there including taping on the spot where it says Zombie Month right on the first page.

The logic to determine your Monster diagnosis has also been fine-tuned, increasing the Monstrometer’s overall accuracy by nearly 0.87%. Now I know that may not seem like much but it is a lot when you are dealing with something as accurate as the Monstrometer.

And while we have not added any new results to the database we have added a number of new questions to help diagnose your supernatural state.

For those who didn’t notice it was there before there is a “More” tab that contains all kinds of goodies like a monsters page with quick links to all of the Monstrometer Monster Report pages, the videos and more! (Hence the name)

The update has been uploaded to the App Store for approval and should be available for you to download soon. Probably in less than a week. Graham and I are already working on the next update which should be a little bit bigger. Maybe even including a new result.

Keep on keeping on.

Seth

P.S. Screenshots coming soon!

Psychos: Dealing With Psychopaths

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psychoDangerSign-Small-optYOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A PSYCHOPATH

Psychopaths are terminally shallow, self-interested and self-gratifying. Dealing with psychopaths is never easy but here are some tips you can try:

1. Never show fear. They like it. Unless your psychopath is also a confirmed cannibal, in which case see: DANGER – YOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A CANNIBAL.

2. Snap a very unflattering photo of her. Think low angles, bad lighting, focus on her nostrils and double chin. Queue it up to Twitter immediately and threaten to *SEND*.  It could save your life.

3. Divert him! Psychopaths are terminally bored. The nihilistic vacuum of psychopathy leaves the average psychopathic killer wallowing in his own ennui and belly-button lint. Think of something of interest to him in his daily life, say the latest Black & Decker drill or even a handy psychopathy checklist.

4. Hang out with people who are hotter and more outgoing than you. I understand this runs counter to all dating advice which maintains you should pick friends who make you look gooder by comparison. But dating and psychopath avoidance are often related so you do well to re-examine this advice. Having only hotter, louder friends ensures that you will probably not be the primary target of a psychopath. Of course you may have to protect your hot friends later but never mind that. For now, just enjoy the free drinks, keep your eyes open and your mouth shut.

~~~If The Psychopath is You~~~

Don’t despair. A diagnosis in psychopathy doesn’t have to mean a life sentence of obsessive holiday killing sprees, if you don’t want it to. Due to the popularization of psychopathic diagnostic tools, more and more humans are being diagnosed as psychopathic every single day. You are not alone!

Many psychopaths successfully sublimate their murderous urges and go on to become great captains of middle management and all-round family folk. You can choose your own psycho-path.

Here’s a few tips from successful psychopaths who were once just like you:

1. Develop a code of ethics. Please do not rely on on your gut instincts about how to treat others. Unless you intend to do the opposite of what you feel. Do NOT develop this behavioural code on your own! Organized religions like Judaism, Islam and Christianity to name just a few have managed to distill some of the important points into a plan for you. Start by picking up one of their guiding tombs and crack it open to a random page.

Allow me demonstrate. Okay, here for example. The Bible. Old Testament so Judaism approved. Deuteronomy 18:10 reads:

Never sacrifice your son or daughter as a burnt offering. 

See? That’s very good advice for a psychopath. Religious books like these are full of gems like this one that speak to you. Pick up your copy today!

2. Learn to appear normal. This is not just a matter of later witness identification, it’s just a matter of basic courtesy. Try your best to look un-scary. Leave your hockey mask on the rink. You won’t need it at the lake. You’ll find that people react better to your presence and the comparative warmth of their reactions may not melt your psychopathic heart but it will trigger fewer slaughterous incidents. And that’s good for everyone.

3. Learn to feel normal. After you’ve mastered looking normal, you’ll want to look into that whole “feelings” business some people are always on about. This may come as a surprise to you, but you can do this entirely without cutting open your family and friends. Try asking them how they feel about things and then listening to their answers instead. Beyond that a few basic psychology classes can supplement your understanding. If it’s not, consider following the psycho-path of more than a few historical examples and become a clinical psychologist.

Start there and see how it goes!