Well it’s Mummy Day again, that one day of the year when mere mummies around the globe are released from their slavery to the gods to roam free on the surface for 24 hours.
Yes, Mummy Day, the most dangerous day of the year, after the Winter Solstice and Kiss A Zombie Day in February and Easter of course, that one can be hard… a few others too. But Mummy Day is right up there, make no mistake.
If you’re a mummy, well then Happy Mummy Day to you, please enjoy your day of freedom from the demands of the underworld. However, if like me, you are NOT a mummy please read on, as dealing with mummies on this day can be tricky.
If you still believe like I once did, that mummies are just a kind of zombie in bandages – think again! Sure some of them groan and shamble in similar fashion, and yeah they are both prone to decay, but please be aware under those layers of neglect is a cursing magical being with a hidden eternal grudge against both gods and earthlings.
So how will you survive as the mummies roam free today? Try the following tips, or share your own. Mummy Day Survival is everyone’s job today.
Top Five Mummy Day Survival Tips
- Find a good book, preferably the Book of the Dead but other books will do in a pinch. Mummies just like it when you read to them. If you read the right passage, your mummy may go right back to sleep.
- Find your mummy’s canopic jars. Every mummy has at least four of them somewhere, you just have to help find them. These jars contain your mummy’s lungs, liver, intestines and stomach. Understandably, mummies get very distressed at the thought of losing their internal organs and this sometimes leads to them trying to rip out yours. So just ask your mummy outright, “Could you be upset because you lost your embalmed liver last night?
Helping a mummy locate a missing liver is the best way to prevent the ripping out of yours.
- Mummies, like zombies, are prone to decay. That is why they wear the bandages.Don’t get me wrong, I’m not retracting my previous statement about mummies and zombies. But they are prone to decay, that’s just a fact.So, today try helping your mummy deal with that decay. May I suggest a sturdy linen scarf or shroud or a formaldehyde facial at a spa that specializes in caring for your mummy.
- Brush up on your Egyptian, both written and spoken. Personally I only know one command that in my research is proven effective. In the case of a rampaging mummy, you take a piece of rope and throw it in the air and shout the word, “TAS” and the rope will wrap itself around the mummy like a snake. If you have more time than that, make a mummy trap with you four strings, shoe laces or whatever in the shape of the following hieroglyphs. Any mummy who steps on these hieroglyphs it is said will be safely entangled forever.
- Visit to the underworld. It’s a last ditch move, I don’t recommend it since you might never return and all but sometimes there’s no other way to deal with an out-of-control mummy but an unscheduled trip to the Underworld to plead your case with the gods there. Review your underworld safety tips and find a portal or an elevator near you!