Monstrometer

News of a creepy time traveller stalker shocked the world this week, when a young woman looking through her old photos discovered her boyfriend secretly stalking her in time, appearing at events of her childhood.

The young woman in question, whose name is given only as Kotaku by The People’s Daily in China, is said to be horrified to discover her new boyfriend named Wan in some of her childhood photos. In each one Wan appears to be whispering secret messages to her childhood self, a desperate attempt to influence her older self, likely after she dumped him in the future.

While the world may be surprised, the news comes as no surprise to me. The phenomenon of time travelling romantic stalkers has been well-documented over the years and worse, celebrated by the mainstream media.

Now I  have taken a lot of flack over the years for including Time Travellers as a separate category in The Monstrometer – not to mention for my spelling of the word traveller – traveler?– but I can assure you this behaviour is a growing threat to every being on the planet.

As anyone who has ever been dumped will tell you – not referring to myself here of course – but as any hypothetical anyone will tell you, being dumped always involves a period of wondering, what if I had just said no instead of yes when she asked, do these shorts make me look fat? Or if I had actually just taken her to the mall instead of making her wait while I checked zombie proofing protocols first?

Many Time Travelling “Romance Repair” agencies exist to take advantage of precisely this kind of rumination. How much would you pay to go back in time and unsay that thing you said? Or do that thing you should have done? A one-time intervention starts around $86.17, temporal tax included.

Sure it seemed like a good idea at the time. But then one intervention was never enough. I say no, you look great but then later she asks a tricky follow-up question like, notice anything new about my hair? Or like, what are you thinking? And she still dumped me. Er, the hypothetical you, I mean. Point is, that temporal intervention bill can really start to add up.

And that’s when an even creepier subset of these agencies will offer to send you further and further into the past so you can implant the idea of yourself in the mind of your future love interest at a more impressionable age. All you need is a childhood photo of your ex to anchor and time your arrival in her life, they tell you. Like Wan has clearly done in these photos. How easy is that?

As it turns out, not so easy.  Most women guard their childhood photos like a leprechaun does gold. They won’t even show them to you, let alone give you one. And certainly not after she dumps you. So you would have to steal one somehow. But even if I succeeded in stealing one without getting caught, my successful arrival at the exact moment the snapshot was taken GUARANTEES getting caught. And then I would have to steal that photo all over again in the future.

Furthermore, the science is not sound. Granted, there is some dubious research to show that our relationship preferences are set in childhood, in that period of time before you can even make memories. But there is even more convincing research that shows temporal stalking is super creepy and virtually guarantees your future dumpage. Kotaku for instance dumped Wan.

So whether you be the dumper or the dumpee, beware the false promises of time travel, guard your childhood photos under lock and key and just keep on keeping on into your future. Where there’s Survival, there’s always hope for a better tomorrow.