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Cannibal Capsules Seized

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Grisly news from Seoul, South Korea this week. A load of pills advertised as healthy food supplements turned out to be capsules for cannibals.

Read on for the good news and the bad news about cannibal pills. Another SOS true story, 99.98% guaranteed.

Capsules for Cannibals Discovered in Seoul South Korea

The South Korean customs agency says pills containing children’s body parts were being smuggled into the country in suitcases and parcels from China.

But the Chinese government denies being behind the horrific cannibal capsules.

“I want to reassure everyone in the world community there are absolutely no cannibals in China,” says Health Ministry spokeman Deng Haihua.

“We ate them all.”

So then who is making these cannibal pills and why?

Well, nobody is jumping up to take responsibility but rumors of cannibal activity have surfaced everywhere.

“I’m so scared,” says 11 year-old Connor B. “My mom tried to give me Baby Aspirin. But is it made with real babies? Think about it. ‘Childrens’ pain relievers? Made with real childrens!”

Have modern cannibals given up their fire pits and big iron pots for a more socially-acceptable appearing food source?

Until we know more, Survivors are advised to be on the lookout for these cannibal pills, which are often blue, green or red and white. If you do see one, report it immediately. A mysterious pill in somebody’s home or on their person, could be a clue you are dealing with a cannibal. Get out of there as fast as you can.

Conversely can a simple baby aspirin stop a cannibal in his tracks? If you find yourself in a tight spot with one of them, try tossing them a Baby Aspirin and then run like heck.

Boy’s mom tries to give baby aspirin. Is it made with real babies?

Cannibals

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cannibalDangerSign-Small-optYOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A CANNIBAL

DON’T:

1. Call him a big anthropofag. They hate that.

2. Offer her your cat food alien-bait. It’s like giving dishwater to a wine drinker. A cannibal may begin eating human flesh to avoid starvation, but continues to eat it because they actually love the taste of your human veal.

3. Whatever you do don’t just lounge there in the hot tub as the cannibals add sliced carrots and pepper…

DO:

1. Suck in your cheeks and stomach, try to look stringy and undelicious. Cannibals are actually quite picky and properly preparing human meat is a difficult task, so send not-worth-the-time signals.

2. Show her your medic alert jewelry. If you don’t have any medic alert jewelry yet, now is the time to invest. Think diffuse, blood-borne ailments like HIV and Hep C over isolated organ-specific ones – it does no good to spare your kidney if you’re not around to use it.

3. Take a shower immediately following strenuous activity. All that salt on your skin makes you smell like snack food.

4. FREAK OUT! With Cannibals you don’t have to hold back or be brave. In fact, it’s a proven survival strategy. Cannibals know that a protracted, adrenaline soaked, action movie-inspired chase and struggle will spoil the fine taste of your meat. So go ahead and FREAK OUT!

May 12, 2012: Recent evidence shows cannibals may have traded in their big iron pots and open fires for the food supplement business! Cannibal capsules were seized in Seoul, South Korea this week. Check out the news here. The good news here is that you may be able to temporarily calm a cannibal using Baby Aspirin.