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You are here: Home / Archives for mermaids

mermaids

President Adopts Werewolf, Bogus Mermaid School & Shopaholic Robot

January 6, 2015 By Seth 3 Comments

SOS Supernatural News This Week

Guaranteed truer than true 99.98%

After my extended trip North to investigate the brewing war for the Pole between Denmark, Canada and Russia and of course Santa Claus himself, I have returned to find a backlog of supernatural news tips and comments. Thanks to every survivor who survived with SOS over the dark season! I’ll try now to catch up, starting with a supernatural news roundup of some global events that could sound your supernatural sonar this week, starting with:

Mermaid School Meh in Montreal

Bogus Mermaids in Montreal
Bogus Mermaids in Montreald

If you are of the Mermish mind, don’t be fooled by the siren song of this so-called “Mermaid School ” open in Montreal this week.

On the school’s website the school promises to teach “all the magic of mermaids, before inviting all Sirens or Tritons to apply for their $60.00 introductory course.

Which sounds like a great deal for all the magic of mermaids – who are of course mightily magical beings – but before you shell out, better read the whole site and let the truth sink in. The real mission of this school is far more modest than magic. The only magic here turns out to be mighty abs. That’s right, it’s a fitness class for the aquatically apt.

Now I’m not against any supernatural improvement resolutions for New Year’s. Fitness is imperative to survival and I encourage any survivor to train in their chosen domain and sharpen their skills, whether it be ninja fighting, pack running or time jumping but no real mermish will be challenged by a few laps in an indoor swimming pool, even under the instruction of a real mermaid of Triton, so do yourself a favor and save your shells for that trip to Atlantis.

President Adopts Werewolf Boy

This one’s the real thing, survivors. The President of Argentina has adopted a werewolf boy to save him from turning on the first Friday after his 13th birthday.

Many SOS survivors are painfully aware of the fact some parents will stop at nothing to suppress your latent lycanthropy ~ silver-titanium braces anyone?~ but what if they put you out for adoption like these parents described here?

The President Who Adopted a Werewolf
The President Who Adopted a Werewolf

It could happen if you live in Argentina and you have 6 older brothers.

In that country a rare form of lycanthropy is believed to be inherited by only the 7th son in a family.

Tradition states this 7th son will turn into a demon werewolf on the first Friday after his 13th birthday and become a killer every full moon thereafter.

So when a 7th son was born to parents Shlomo and Nehama, they figured rather than mess with witch spells and silver baths, they would put baby Tawil up for adoption instead.

I’m sure Tawil could do fare worse than find himself adopted by the president of his country, but let this be a lesson to young lycans everywhere. Things could be worse. You could be a werewolf in Argentina.

Now let’s hope the president is not surprised when this so-called quick-fix cure fails on the first Friday after Tawil’s 13th birthday. Writing to warn her today is on my to-do list. If you are a concerned werewolf, I would urge you to do the same.

Shopaholic Robot Turns to Crime

What do you get when you give a shopaholic robot an allowance of 100 bitcoin a week?

You get a drug dealing criminal cyborg, according to reports. The robot known as the Darknet Shopper has reportedly gone rogue, and has started dealing in ecstasy and fake passports this week.

While admittedly not the crime wave I most fear most from a rogue robot, this story should sound your SOS sense. It’s a short jump from dealing in contraband drugs and cards to guns and then what? Guns don’t kill people but cyborgs with guns most certainly do.

So be on the alert Survivors. And welcome to 2015 here on SOS. Long may we keep on keeping on.

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Filed Under: Survival Resources Tagged With: Cyborgs, mermaids, robots, Werewolves

Noisy No Nessie Blame Game After Loch Ness Monster’s Vanishing Act

February 25, 2014 By Seth 33 Comments

Fingers are flying following Nessie the world’s most famous mermonster vanishing act from the Loch Ness in 2013 after nearly a century of dependable appearances.

A community desperately seeking Nessie
A community desperately seeking Nessie

So get your finger ready to joint the fight and consider carefully from the options below who you think is to blame.

(Please remember that all individuals named are innocent until proven guilty so please practice safe finger pointing. Especially Nessie Hunter George Edwards, below, who emailed me a few times using several large legal words.)

First, the background. Loch Ness Monster researcher Gary Campbell stunned the world last week when he announced that the Loch Ness Monster has now been officially missing for 18 months, the longest no-Nessie stretch in over 90 years, leaving the world to wonder who or what could be responsible.

Suspect #1: Nessie Hunter George Edwards

The name says it all. He hunts. Nessie.  Oh I know he says this means just trying to shoot the cryptid with a camera but then why the enormous, refrigerated hold in the belly of his boat, complete with blowgun?

In an email to me last year Captain Edwards denied that hold was for fish to feed the beast after another Nessie-debunkologist accused him of actually feeding Nessie so what exactly was Captain Edwards planning to store down there?

Suspect #2: Adrian Shine

Captain Edward’s arch enemy and Nessie debunkologist likes nothing better than trying to prove every Nessie photo a fake. When Captain Edwards publicly called him a pseudo-scientist, did Mr. Shine go from Nessie kill-joy to Nessie killer? Killing Nessie would be the only way Mr. Shine could be 100% certain there would be no Nessie in the Loch Ness.

Suspect #3 in the case of the Disappearing Nessie
Suspect #3 in the case of the Disappearing Nessie

Suspect #3: Charlie Sheen

Mr. Sheen, a self-declared warlock with tiger blood in his veins, among other substances, freely admits flying to Scotland last June to hunt for Nessie.

While Mr. Sheen later publicly stated that he failed to find the famous mermonster, ask yourself this one question – is this the face of a man whose public statements you should trust? ‘Nuff said.

Suspect #4:  Magnetic Island, Australia

At first glance only one man seemed guilty here – the man who took the now famous Lost Nessie photo (below), Mr. David Herron.  Mr. Herron runs a wedding celebration company on beautiful Magnetic Island where he brags about having planned over 1500 unique and memorable wedding ceremonies and prides himself on his pull-out-all-stops reputation when it comes to pleasing the clients. Was Mr. Herron under pressure to produce a Nessie-themed wedding? It seemed likely to me.

But further investigation reveals the whole island’s 200-odd inhabitants appear to be in on it. Jealous of Scotland’s tourism success, did Magnetic Island hatch a Nessie breeding plot to make their own monster reputation? Was this a cold case of cryptid kidnapping?

Suspect #5: Nessie

Famous "Lost Nessie" photo.
Famous “Lost Nessie” photo.

Let’s face it, Nessie’s not getting any younger. He – or she – has gamely performed for tourists on a random schedule for over 90 years. Did Nessie finally have enough?

☆ ☆ ☆

It goes without saying that you of course can make up your own mind, but me I’m especially interested in numbers 4 and 5. In fact, I’m hoping to get a lift to Australia later this week so I can look into it. If I can just get Graham to pack me properly then I’ll call FedEx and ask for Urban Squatch later this week.

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Filed Under: Survival News Tagged With: Loch Ness Monster, mermaids, Mermonsters

Angry Mermaids Coming Soon to a Pool Near You Be Prepared

July 17, 2013 By Seth 4 Comments

Do you know the policy of your local pool on the matter of mermaid admission? If not, it’s high time you check it out! Florida mermaid Eden Sirene is making waves around the world this week because of being banned from her local pool, drawing attention to the lack of meaningful mermaid regulation in pools everywhere.

Pool initiates no-fins policy, denies her entry
Pool initiates no-fins policy, leaves Eden Sirene high and dry.

Ms. Sirene’s hometown pool in Fishawke, Florida has introduced a strict no-fins policy this week, raising the ire of the dangerous Free Florida Mermaids or FFM.

Do you know what an angry mermaid becomes? That’s right, a siren. In this case, an angry siren with the last name Sirene! Will an angry Ms Sirene be coming to a pool near you?

I, like you, actually called my local swimming hole yesterday as soon as I heard the news, only to discover to my shock and horror that not only is there no NO-FINS policy at my local pool but there isn’t even an official mermonster evacuation protocol in place.

According to pool manager Mr. Glen Molina, they don’t currently have a mermaid problem at their pool ~riiiight~ so, “the matter just hasn’t come up.” YET, Mr. Molina. The matter hasn’t come up yet. Of course if you wait for the matter to come up from the murky depths of that filter, it may already be too late. You will have already subjected unwitting bathers to the presence of an angry mermaid turned siren or worse, a mermonster.

That said, it must be acknowledged, even by me, that swimming with a mermaid or even an angry siren is not the same as say, being swallowed whole by a mermonster like I in fact was not two weeks ago. In fact, a number of humans pay good money for the thrill of this, or so I am told. So, should you by accident or design find yourself swimming with a mermaid or angry siren, at least be armed with the following tips:

Safe Swimming With Mermaids
  • Wear earplugs, at all times. When that siren song comes shrieking out on the waves, you don’t want to end up writhing in agony on the shoals of your local pool.
  • Wear goggles at all times, even when you’re not underwater. That way she can’t tell where you’re looking. An angry mermaid will not appreciate being stared at and you don’t want to see all the creative things she can do with her bling, trust me. We’re talking secret ultrasonic weaponry here.
  •  Stay out of her way. Do not try to pull her tail. That pretty blue tail moves with incredible force and could launch you to places you don’t want to go. Like the public change rooms.
  • Got fish on your bathing attire? Watch out. What do you think they eat? I assure you their underwater vision is not as good as you might hope. Time to invest in a new bathing suit.
  • Do not challenge her to a race. You will lose. Or a diving contest. You may win that one but you won’t win the water battle that follows, in which she drags you down to the bottom of the pool and doesn’t let go.

Heed these rules and keep your community mermaid safe.

(If you’re a mermaid, please stand by for summer safety tips to avoid the mudification that may arise from being banned from your local pool and forced into the forest.)

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Filed Under: Survival News Tagged With: mermaids, Mermonsters

Mud Maid in the Shade Forest Revenge or Mermaid Spells Gone Wrong?

July 10, 2013 By Seth Leave a Comment

Every year a certain number of overheated survivors head to the woods seeking shady relief from the Dog Days heat in the trees and mystical waters there, only to never be heard from again.

Why? Undoubtably some get lost and/or eaten by fire ants and/or tigers but  for others, like Sue Hill below, a stranger and more terrible, but arguably more relaxing, fate awaits.

SOS is still on the trail of the true story of the mudmaidification of Sue Hill and her brother Peter. Please stand by and stay out of the woods until we know more.

An SOS truer-than-true story about the mud maids…

Sue Hill
Sue Hill Went Into the Woods One Day…

 

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Filed Under: Survival News Tagged With: mermaids, Mermonsters

Of Money and Mermish – The Mermaid Tail Trade

April 26, 2013 By Seth Leave a Comment

A grisly TAIL this week from Garden Street, USA a seven year-old girl on a desperate quest to become a mermaid tries to buy a mermaid tail, and reveals the murky underwater world of the mermaid tail transplant trade.

Can you buy Mermishness?
Should you buy a mermaid tale?

Residents of Garden Street woke up to this note on a street pole from a 7 year-old mermaid wannabe who thought she could swim, walk and babysit her way to achieving her dream of becoming a mermaid by buying a mermaid tale transplant.

The Internet reacted immediately. What kind of sick seven year old wants an amputated mermaid tail?

Is high unemployment and the current Hire-A-Mermaid craze making an underwater trade in black market mermaid tail transplants?

“What are we supposed to do,” said one girl who admitted she is saving up for a mermaid tail transplant too. “Times are tough and mermaids get all the good jobs now.”

I immediately alerted Mermaids for Hire about the situation, only to discover the dark truth about this company. They employ several mermaids who themselves bought a transplanted tail to make the transformation from human to mermaid.

According to mermaid Linden Wolbert, a mermaid tail sells for around 15,000 dollars. She sent me this shocking photo of a mermaid tail transplant in progress:

Mermaid Tail Transplant in Progress
Grisly Mermaid Tail Transplant in Progress

If you know any mermaids or you are one yourself, don’t let this happen to you!
Keep that tale under wraps! Do not reveal your Mermish status to people you don’t know.
Beware of anyone with an open drink, who could be a tail hunter. Why else would he be wandering around with an uncovered drink in hand?
In fact, avoid any social situations where liquid is likely to fly! Remember just a single drop in at the wrong time can find you flopping in the middle of the party.
Please alert the site if you see any suspicious activity in your neighbourhood.
Do NOT be fooled into becoming a so-called tail donor. This is not minor surgery here. Your tail will NOT grow back. In fact, you will find yourself without human legs when you transform back to human form.

 

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Filed Under: Survival News Tagged With: mermaids, Mermonsters

Shark Hires Mermaid For Bodyguard

April 1, 2013 By Seth Leave a Comment

Fed up seeing his friends and family end up in soup and strange health food supplements, one canny whale shark has hired a mermaid for his bodyguard.

The whale shark, named Papa Shillingi, says one of his 300 sons had just lost his fins to a soup maker when he met a mermaid named Linden Wolbert and a lightbulb went off for him.

“She was really nice and pretty and suddenly I realized, hey nobody EATS mermaids!” he explained.”Well, nobody except great whites, who consider mermaid meat a delicacy. But not me! Honest. All I eat is plankton. Nobody believes me but it’s true. Okay maybe the occasional little fish or two, but is that so bad? Do I deserve to the soup for that?!”

 An SOS truer-than-true story in progress…

Mermaid is a shark's best friend?
Mermaids are a shark’s best friend.

Papa Shillingi says after he had this realization about mermaids, he tried to save money by actually becoming one. But when he swam through Eye Rock at midnight on the next full moon, the result was not what he had hoped.

“As soon as I saw myself, I realized this wasn’t going to work. Instead of looking like Linden, I looked like-  well, like me, except I had arms and a shell bikini. I did not gain any mermaid pretty power at all!” said Papa Shillingi, who is 70 years old this year.

Papa Shillingi says that’s when he decided to try hiring a mermaid instead. He immediately contacted Mermaids For Hire and asked if Linden Wolbert could be his bodyguard.

Far from being afraid, Linden dove at the chance to be bodyguard to a whale shark. “I was just harvesting golden jellyfish at the time and getting pretty tired of being stung. I know everybody says they don’t sting, but they do. Nobody was taking my photo back then. So you tell me who’s really the pretty one?”

Now Papa Shillingi and his family have their own personal mermaid bodyguard with them 24-7.

“Linden is great! She steers us away from the nets and protects us from harpoons. Don’t ask her to clean the coral reef though. She hates that,” says Papa Shillingi who adds that he is just joking about that coral reef part please don’t print it or Linden will kick his shilling spotted a$$.

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