mermaids

Do you know the policy of your local pool on the matter of mermaid admission? If not, it’s high time you check it out! Florida mermaid Eden Sirene is making waves around the world this week because of being banned from her local pool, drawing attention to the lack of meaningful mermaid regulation in pools everywhere.

Ms. Sirene’s hometown pool in Fishawke, Florida has introduced a strict no-fins policy this week, raising the ire of the dangerous Free Florida Mermaids or FFM.

Do you know what an angry mermaid becomes? That’s right, a siren. In this case, an angry siren with the last name Sirene! Will an angry Ms Sirene be coming to a pool near you?

I, like you, actually called my local swimming hole yesterday as soon as I heard the news, only to discover to my shock and horror that not only is there no NO-FINS policy at my local pool but there isn’t even an official mermonster evacuation protocol in place.

According to pool manager Mr. Glen Molina, they don’t currently have a mermaid problem at their pool ~riiiight~ so, “the matter just hasn’t come up.” YET, Mr. Molina. The matter hasn’t come up yet. Of course if you wait for the matter to come up from the murky depths of that filter, it may already be too late. You will have already subjected unwitting bathers to the presence of an angry mermaid turned siren or worse, a mermonster.

That said, it must be acknowledged, even by me, that swimming with a mermaid or even an angry siren is not the same as say, being swallowed whole by a mermonster like I in fact was not two weeks ago. In fact, a number of humans pay good money for the thrill of this, or so I am told. So, should you by accident or design find yourself swimming with a mermaid or angry siren, at least be armed with the following tips:

Safe Swimming With Mermaids

• Wear earplugs, at all times. When that siren song comes shrieking out on the waves, you don’t want to end up writhing in agony on the shoals of your local pool.

• Wear goggles at all times, even when you’re not underwater. That way she can’t tell where you’re looking. An angry mermaid will not appreciate being stared at and you don’t want to see all the creative things she can do with her bling, trust me. We’re talking secret ultrasonic weaponry here.

•  Stay out of her way. Do not try to pull her tail. That pretty blue tail moves with incredible force and could launch you to places you don’t want to go. Like the public change rooms.

• Got fish on your bathing attire? Watch out. What do you think they eat? I assure you their underwater vision is not as good as you might hope. Time to invest in a new bathing suit.

• Do not challenge her to a race. You will lose. Or a diving contest. You may win that one but you won’t win the water battle that follows, in which she drags you down to the bottom of the pool and doesn’t let go.

Heed these rules and keep your community mermaid safe.

(If you’re a mermaid, please stand by for summer safety tips to avoid the mudification that may arise from being banned from your local pool and forced into the forest.)

Every year a certain number of overheated survivors head to the woods seeking shady relief from the Dog Days heat in the trees and mystical waters there, only to never be heard from again.

Why? Undoubtably some get lost and/or eaten by fire ants and/or tigers but  for others, like Sue Hill below, a stranger and more terrible, but arguably more relaxing, fate awaits.

SOS is still on the trail of the true story of the mudmaidification of Sue Hill and her brother Peter. Please stand by and stay out of the woods until we know more.

An SOS truer-than-true story about the mud maids…

A grisly TAIL this week from Garden Street, USA a seven year-old girl on a desperate quest to become a mermaid tries to buy a mermaid tail, and reveals the murky underwater world of the mermaid tail transplant trade.

Residents of Garden Street woke up to this note on a street pole from a 7 year-old mermaid wannabe who thought she could swim, walk and babysit her way to achieving her dream of becoming a mermaid by buying a mermaid tale transplant.

The Internet reacted immediately. What kind of sick seven year old wants an amputated mermaid tail?

Is high unemployment and the current Hire-A-Mermaid craze making an underwater trade in black market mermaid tail transplants?

“What are we supposed to do,” said one girl who admitted she is saving up for a mermaid tail transplant too. “Times are tough and mermaids get all the good jobs now.”

I immediately alerted Mermaids for Hire about the situation, only to discover the dark truth about this company. They employ several mermaids who themselves bought a transplanted tail to make the transformation from human to mermaid.

According to mermaid Linden Wolbert, a mermaid tail sells for around 15,000 dollars. She sent me this shocking photo of a mermaid tail transplant in progress:

If you know any mermaids or you are one yourself, don’t let this happen to you!
Keep that tale under wraps! Do not reveal your Mermish status to people you don’t know.
Beware of anyone with an open drink, who could be a tail hunter. Why else would he be wandering around with an uncovered drink in hand?
In fact, avoid any social situations where liquid is likely to fly! Remember just a single drop in at the wrong time can find you flopping in the middle of the party.
Please alert the site if you see any suspicious activity in your neighbourhood.
Do NOT be fooled into becoming a so-called tail donor. This is not minor surgery here. Your tail will NOT grow back. In fact, you will find yourself without human legs when you transform back to human form.

Fed up seeing his friends and family end up in soup and strange health food supplements, one canny whale shark has hired a mermaid for his bodyguard.

The whale shark, named Papa Shillingi, says one of his 300 sons had just lost his fins to a soup maker when he met a mermaid named Linden Wolbert and a lightbulb went off for him.

“She was really nice and pretty and suddenly I realized, hey nobody EATS mermaids!” he explained.”Well, nobody except great whites, who consider mermaid meat a delicacy. But not me! Honest. All I eat is plankton. Nobody believes me but it’s true. Okay maybe the occasional little fish or two, but is that so bad? Do I deserve to the soup for that?!”

 An SOS truer-than-true story in progress…

Papa Shillingi says after he had this realization about mermaids, he tried to save money by actually becoming one. But when he swam through Eye Rock at midnight on the next full moon, the result was not what he had hoped.

“As soon as I saw myself, I realized this wasn’t going to work. Instead of looking like Linden, I looked like-  well, like me, except I had arms and a shell bikini. I did not gain any mermaid pretty power at all!” said Papa Shillingi, who is 70 years old this year.

Papa Shillingi says that’s when he decided to try hiring a mermaid instead. He immediately contacted Mermaids For Hire and asked if Linden Wolbert could be his bodyguard.

Far from being afraid, Linden dove at the chance to be bodyguard to a whale shark. “I was just harvesting golden jellyfish at the time and getting pretty tired of being stung. I know everybody says they don’t sting, but they do. Nobody was taking my photo back then. So you tell me who’s really the pretty one?”

Now Papa Shillingi and his family have their own personal mermaid bodyguard with them 24-7.

“Linden is great! She steers us away from the nets and protects us from harpoons. Don’t ask her to clean the coral reef though. She hates that,” says Papa Shillingi who adds that he is just joking about that coral reef part please don’t print it or Linden will kick his shilling spotted a$$.