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Breaking Survival News: World Not Ending Dec 21, 2012 – Some Assembly May Be Required

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For survivors who maybe forgot to set an alert, a quick update – there’s a thing where the Mayan calendar is about to run out, without which there allegedly can be no more time. Hence the end of the world business. Now being that my survival depends on your survival and that your and my survival depends on the continued existence of the world this seemed like a pretty big deal to me so as many of you already know, I set about finding a way to stop this from happening.

I am happy to announce that after weeks of research and consulting with reluctant Mayan Daykeeper Professor Leonzo Barreno I have the solution! Even though technically it turns out there never was a problem. But since when is that a good reason to stop looking for a solution? Any really good solution will make its own problem. No problem! As it turns out, our Mayan friends have provided us with a way that we can all survive and contribute to the cyclical renewal of time. MORE MAYAN CALENDAR!!  So simple. We just have to flip the page so to speak from the 12th baktun cycle to the 13th baktun cycle, before or after performing whatever seasonal observance or ceremony your tradition prescribes.

Here is a small sample of that Calendar, just enough to flip over from December 20 to December 21 and get us over that little end of the world speed bump:

The last big stone calendar that the Mayans had made way back in the day went up to December 20, 2012 but they actually have a system whereby we can keep just constructing additional calendars kind of like the way we do each year except they make us look lazy in comparison because while we only bother to make 365 days at a time their calendars last hundreds of years.

So it turns out that the world actually won’t end until October 13, 4772 when the Mayan calendar really finally runs out (that’s the day that we run out of Baktun!). Now that is a long time away for us humans but for some of our immortal or long-lived brethren here on the site that is really pretty close so I suggest you start planning. You have less than 2760 years left to get your affairs in order.

So the world won’t end on December 21, 2012 but you do have to help out to make sure that it doesn’t suffer significant calamity as a result of there being wide-spread panic, chaos, looting, rioting and general weirdness on Friday due to everyone thinking that the world is about to end.

So to that end please use all available methods including Facebook, twitter and email and even talking to share this picture and let everyone know that everything will be okay and that we don’t have to start worrying about this again until 2759 years from now. Until then heed Professor Daykeeper’s words and keep the light of hope alive in this darkest time of year, in whatever tradition you choose.

So keep on keeping on and happy 13 baktun 0 katun 0 tun 0 winal 0 kin 4 Ajaw 3 K’ank’in to you and yours.

Somewhat Related Articles:

*Last Living Daykeeper to Humanity – Leave Me Alone!

*The Yule Cat Cometh! Are You Preparethed? 

*Deck The Tree with Boughs of Bacon  – IF YOU WANT TO LIVE! Darkest Dark Night Decorating

Mayan Daykeeper: Everyone Relax! The World Ends All The Time!

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The global search for one real Mayan Daykeeper intensified this week after Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard released a terrifying video confirming the globe’s worst 2012 fears namely: K-Pop is pathologically catchy and the Mayan calendar prophesy is absolutely true – the world will in fact end on December 21.

Australian PM validates Mayan Prophesy - the world will end on December 21

World leaders, journalists and yes, even Supernatural Survivologists – at least the top 38 most reliable ones on the Internet! – all went in search of one man:  Leonzo Barreno, the last living Mayan Daykeeper. Okay, so maybe not technically the LAST last living Mayan Daykeeper –  but  definitely the last one with a cell phone and a publicist.

Still even a Mayan Daykeeper with a cell phone is hard to track down in 2012. Especially when he doesn’t want to be found! Professor Barreno has been on the run for nearly all of 2012, hounded by humans begging him to save the world from the dread Mayan prophesy.

“Just one more year! they beg and beg. Sometimes they offer me money,” said Professor Barreno, when I caught up with him at his secret igloo hideaway in snowy Sasquatchewan near the North Pole where he is currently hoping for a glimpse of Santa Clause or at least the Icelandic Yule Cat. “I just tell them a real Mayan Daykeeper does not accept money. Although we do appreciate a nice gift certificate every now and again…” he hinted.

Astonishing news considering the Mayan Daykeeper’s job is to keep track of the different cycles of time and to perform the rituals that keep it going from year to year. Basically his job is just to keep time going! So just how many iTunes cards will it take to keep the world from ending this year?

Mayan Daykeepers do not accept money for saving the world every year on Dec. 21

“Oh well save your gift certificate because you can’t keep the world from ending,” the Daykeeper admitted. “I don’t usually admit that but you look like you need the money. Besides, I thought you had pizza.”

At this point I had a secret too. I did have pizza. But I wasn’t about to give it to him. The first rule of Supernatural Survivology is to stay calm and keep on…

“YOU MEAN YOU WOULD JUST LET THE WORLD DIE???!!!!!”

“Well yes. That’s part of my job.” he replied.

Some job! Even Graham can do that! 

“The world dies every year at this time. In fact it dies each day. When the sun sets or when the crops are harvested. The world is constantly dying. The role of the Mayan Daykeeper is to make sure things get going again by keeping track of time and performing the proper rituals.”

Many of these rituals appear to involve an open flame – like the one shown here.

But Daykeeper Leonzo says that the Daykeeper can’t do it alone. Everyone has to help renew the world by performing his or her own firey rituals for this time of year. Whether it’s lighting the Yule log or the Menorah or the Christmas tree or just putting some candles in your pizza or Santa Claus cookies – every little bit helps to keep the flame of hope alive for another year.

“But not me. I’m through with all that! Those rituals are too hard on the old knees, so I traded in my poncho and candles for some PhDs. I’m Professor Daykeeper now, I just tell other people what to do.”

But Professor Daykeeper did agree to give me one thing to help save the world – after I gave him some of my pizza. He gave me a traditional Mayan trick to mark the year and extend time. So please, stop back here around December 20 if you can and help save the world!

 

The Daykeeper is hiding out in Sasquatchewan near the North Pole.

 

 

Friday the 13th Action Plan

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Friday the 13th remains the second most confusing holiday on the calendar after Black Noodle Day. Is it good luck or bad?  A time to celebrate or fear?  And what is the best way to deal with it? Should you:

Download for 2012.
Download for 2012.

a) Invite 11 of your favorite witches to party in the woods? Or

b) Spend the day avenging the untimely death of a loved one, say your son, mother or the slaughter of your entire secret order of Templar Knights? Or

c) Try very hard to avoid anyone who just answered a or b?

Adding to this confusion, the historical record indicates Friday the 13th is actually a very lucky day for some people like: drivers, insurance companies and stock brokers named Bob.

Understandably you might feel like locking down in your home until the dreaded day has passed. But that would be a big mistake. Sure it might work today and you might survive this time but what will you do for the dreaded year 2012. This year has three – count them 1-2-3 – Friday the 13th. Is it any wonder the Mayans gave up calendaring on THAT year?

It’s a terrifying thought but don’t you give up. You don’t need a paraskevidekatriaologist to follow my three-step Friday the 13th Action Plan. It’s simple and it goes right to the root of the problem. No more agonizing over questions like, Do I just kill Jason AGAIN? Or Jason and his Mom and his friend Roy and his freaktarded son too?

No the key to my action plan is right next door, as close as that neighbour on the 14th floor of your building.  (Just don’t take the elevator to get there.) It’s about magic and math. Friday the 13th = Friday + 13. Both scary and unlucky enough on their own. Take Friday. The social pressure to get lucky on a Friday is scary enough for average looking people, without even considering the legacy left on the day by that most eponymous witch, Frigga.

Add to the unluckiness of “Friday” the number 13. Now Asian survivors please be patient here, but for Westerners the number “13” has been taboo since Jesus fired little-known 13th Apostle Doug before his manuscript The Gospel According to Doug could find a publisher. A fact reinforced today by scientists who have discovered that 12 is the maximum number of names a middle-manager can effectively forget before accidentally getting one right.

So how do you fight a day and a number? Well, the path is clear – divide and conquer. My action plan will eradicate both factors, and put an end to both Friday and 13 once and for all. It just requires a few minor adjustments to your calendar – see photos below. I would advise you to begin with Friday, you’ll see why. I think of it now as Thurs 2 but whatever works for you. “Pre-Saturday,” or “Saturday Eve,” although clunky, remain good options.

Eliminating all 52 Fridays from your calendar alone is probably enough to keep you safe but if your elevator doesn’t go past the twelfth floor you can embark on a 13 elimination plan too. Yes this will shorten your year somewhat – by roughly 52 days which over a lifetime equals around 4160 days. But think of it this way, time is relative and that was 11.4 UNLUCKY years, permitting you to enjoy the time you have left that much more.

Introducing the SOS F-13 Calendar:

To save time – which if you eliminate both Friday and 13 from your calendar you are going to need! – you can download my free F-13 Safe Calendar. Graham is working on it right now, with the help of crack team of coders, griselled veterans of the Great Calendar War of 1999. Once downloaded my calendar program will eliminate both Friday and 13 from your computer and life in seconds. Watch your life get luckier and luckier – or your money back.

It’s virtually guaranteed.

Solar Dragons starting Draconian civil war?

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Hail Survivors,

I recently received an email from friend to the site and survivors everywhere, Mr. Mutt, in which he alerted me about a very important event. See this excerpt from the email below:

At 18:37 Jan. 27 there was a massive explosion on the suns surface. This produced a lovely aurora borealis for all to enjoy but it also produced this writeting in the polar ice caps:

Nos exuret tu ater dracones, signatum, solis dracones.

Translated it means “we will burn you black dragons, signed, the dragons of the sun.

In Greek mythology two of these dragons pulled the chariot of Medea an infamous anti-survivalist. It appears that they have decided that 2012 is going to be the year of the sun dragons. They’ve already proved their disregaurd for human life by sending the solar flare with it’s dangerous radiation towards earth, however it appears no one informed them we have an electromagnetic field that keeps most dangerous radiation out of the atmosphere.

So what does this mean? Will there be a dragon civil war? Is this what the Myans knew was comeing? How will this affect the stock market?

Mutt Out.

Solar Dragon erupting from the surface of the Sun
Solar Dragon emerging from the surface of the Sun

Very important information indeed and excellent questions. Does this presage the end of the world as we know it as foretold by the Mayans? Will this spell havoc for Facebook’s long anticipated IPO? Does this mean that I should stock up on sunscreen?

Share your thoughts in the comments section and keep on keeping on.

Seth

P.S. Thanks to Mr. Mutt for sending this in and alerting us all to this important news. If you have supernatural survival related news or information be sure to send it in!