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Time Traveller Transplanting Magic Fruit Trees

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Magic fruit trees bearing up to 40 kinds of fruit at one time in the United States this week are revealed to be the work of a known time traveller, who travels back to ancient Egypt for his source, seemingly with no regard for either the temporal or supernatural ramifications of his actions.

Sorcerer Sam Van Aken invented a time machine to transplant magic trees
Sorcerer Sam Van Aken invented a time machine to transplant magic trees

When 16 fruit trees which just look like ordinary trees bloomed with up to 40 different fruits, across the USA last week, the world smelled magic – until the true sorcery was revealed.

SOS can reveal that notorious time traveller Sam Van Aken has finally confessed this week the true source of his sorcery was not magic at all, but ancient Egypt.

“They appeared on hieroglyphs,” Sam finally admitted to a reporter on NPR before revealing these photos of his secret time machine.

Sam hides his time machine in a horse trailer.
Sam hides his time machine in a horse trailer.

sam_van_aken_time-machine_5Sam, previously known to me as the only time traveler to hide his operations in this metal horse trailer, claims he was guided by hieroglyphs to bring these ancient magical multi-fruit trees forward, and place them in high-profile locations across the country.

While delighted tree tourists around the world may enjoy the fruit of his labor this week, his flagrant violation of time smuggling laws has left temporal law enforcement in a tizzy.

“I’m pretty sure the guy didn’t declare that in his luggage,” stated one time border official.”What part of no plants, food, drugs or mystical artifacts law did he not understand?”

While Sam defends his practice by insisting he doesn’t take the entire tree, just cuttings, Egyptologists are not so sure.

“If these trees appeared in hieroglyphics, the question you have to ask is why? Was it a warning to us in the future about the disappearance of these magical trees?”

Meanwhile, Supernatural Survivologists like ahem, me for instance, want to warn the world about the potential danger posed by these fruit trees.

“Putting aside the documented inflammatory effects of eating magical fruit, ancient Egyptian arboreal artifacts are chiefly a source of dangerous demigod magic,” stated Seth Greening, still the fifth most popular popular and first most reliable Supernatural Survivologist on the Internet.

For more info about demigods or about the notorious Sam Van Aken and his time machine, follow the links.

 

 

Scientists Study Real Flying Carpet

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Flying carpet researchers at Princeton University studying a small scrap of flying carpet since October, have come to some startling conclusions.

Flying a magic carpet could be a lot harder than it looks. Read on…

How Can You Tell If Your Carpet Can Fly?

This scrap of real flying carpet appears to use an electric current, like a Manta Ray, to flex into little waves and “swim” through the air. Not exactly a smooth ride.

So is it made with real Manta Rays? I asked Princeton graduate student scientist and flying carpet researcher, Noah Jafferis.

“No.” He replied evasively. He claims the electric current is actually created by a system of piezoelectric actuators and sensors that are not harvested from Manta Rays at all.

“But do you need a lot of unobtainium to fuel it?”

Noah Jafferis refused to answer that question for some reason.

Another unexpected discovery Mr. Jafferis shared is that this carpet is designed to fly very close to the ground, mere inches above it, more like a hover-carpet than a flying one.

So how will this help you to correctly identify those carpets designed to fly, or at least hover, before you step on them?

Well try my three-step magic carpet identification system:

1. Look for the ripples. As we have just learned, magic carpets do not lie flat.

2. Look for the sparks. Start by tossing a small pebble or something metallic, like a key or a knife. No wait. Maybe start with a spoon instead.

3. Smell. The pizoelectric actuators will probably smell like eels.

4. Ask it! Magic carpets respond to magic words. Use your magic words, see if one caused it to hover.

And if you have correctly identified a real flying carpet, take a page from Noah and his lab mates and suit up. Magic carpet flying includes: rubber soled shoes and gloves to protect yourself from the piezoelectric current and a good helmet in case it turns out to be a rough ride.

**Whatever you do, don’t try to snip a sample with metal scissors. That’s a fast way to electrifry yourself.  Contact the professionals instead.

Flying Carpet Flies Low