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Noisy No Nessie Blame Game After Loch Ness Monster’s Vanishing Act

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Fingers are flying following Nessie the world’s most famous mermonster vanishing act from the Loch Ness in 2013 after nearly a century of dependable appearances.

A community desperately seeking Nessie
A community desperately seeking Nessie

So get your finger ready to joint the fight and consider carefully from the options below who you think is to blame.

(Please remember that all individuals named are innocent until proven guilty so please practice safe finger pointing. Especially Nessie Hunter George Edwards, below, who emailed me a few times using several large legal words.)

First, the background. Loch Ness Monster researcher Gary Campbell stunned the world last week when he announced that the Loch Ness Monster has now been officially missing for 18 months, the longest no-Nessie stretch in over 90 years, leaving the world to wonder who or what could be responsible.

Suspect #1: Nessie Hunter George Edwards

The name says it all. He hunts. Nessie.  Oh I know he says this means just trying to shoot the cryptid with a camera but then why the enormous, refrigerated hold in the belly of his boat, complete with blowgun?

In an email to me last year Captain Edwards denied that hold was for fish to feed the beast after another Nessie-debunkologist accused him of actually feeding Nessie so what exactly was Captain Edwards planning to store down there?

Suspect #2: Adrian Shine

Captain Edward’s arch enemy and Nessie debunkologist likes nothing better than trying to prove every Nessie photo a fake. When Captain Edwards publicly called him a pseudo-scientist, did Mr. Shine go from Nessie kill-joy to Nessie killer? Killing Nessie would be the only way Mr. Shine could be 100% certain there would be no Nessie in the Loch Ness.

Suspect #3 in the case of the Disappearing Nessie
Suspect #3 in the case of the Disappearing Nessie

Suspect #3: Charlie Sheen

Mr. Sheen, a self-declared warlock with tiger blood in his veins, among other substances, freely admits flying to Scotland last June to hunt for Nessie.

While Mr. Sheen later publicly stated that he failed to find the famous mermonster, ask yourself this one question – is this the face of a man whose public statements you should trust? ‘Nuff said.

Suspect #4:  Magnetic Island, Australia

At first glance only one man seemed guilty here – the man who took the now famous Lost Nessie photo (below), Mr. David Herron.  Mr. Herron runs a wedding celebration company on beautiful Magnetic Island where he brags about having planned over 1500 unique and memorable wedding ceremonies and prides himself on his pull-out-all-stops reputation when it comes to pleasing the clients. Was Mr. Herron under pressure to produce a Nessie-themed wedding? It seemed likely to me.

But further investigation reveals the whole island’s 200-odd inhabitants appear to be in on it. Jealous of Scotland’s tourism success, did Magnetic Island hatch a Nessie breeding plot to make their own monster reputation? Was this a cold case of cryptid kidnapping?

Suspect #5: Nessie

Famous "Lost Nessie" photo.
Famous “Lost Nessie” photo.

Let’s face it, Nessie’s not getting any younger. He – or she – has gamely performed for tourists on a random schedule for over 90 years. Did Nessie finally have enough?

☆ ☆ ☆

It goes without saying that you of course can make up your own mind, but me I’m especially interested in numbers 4 and 5. In fact, I’m hoping to get a lift to Australia later this week so I can look into it. If I can just get Graham to pack me properly then I’ll call FedEx and ask for Urban Squatch later this week.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER: LAKE MONSTER SWIMMING TIPS 2013

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Cabins in the Woods are a double-edged katana. If you’re a survivor who is lucky enough to have access to a remote Cabin In The Woods (or “Cottage”), you have a safe place to retreat to in the event of a zombie uprising, especially if you’ve stocked it up with Apocalypse Supplies like canned food and shotguns. However, odds are you also have to deal the one of most horrifying dangers faced by swimming survivors all over the world… that’s right, I’m talking about the dreaded LAKE MONSTER.

What's swimming with you?
Who will be swimming with you this summer?

Survivors, school’s almost out for summer and that can mean only one thing – swimming. That glorious, refreshing, athletic and INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS summer activity. There are a myriad threats to your survival if you decide to take a plunge into the depths. Here are a few things I recommend you do to stay safe and survived if you decide to cool yourself off in the “lake,” or as I like to call it, “watery death pit.”

Remember, there are over NINETY reported Lake Monsters worldwide. And just like mice, that means for every blurry sauropod reported to Wikipedia there are countless others roaming the depths of the world’s lakes. Take precautions! Do research at the local probably-condemned-from-disuse county library and look through the dusty microfilm for reported maritime disappearances in your getaway town’s history. Keep on the lookout for blurry photographs that might be a wave or might be A HORRIBLE CARNIVOROUS PLEISIOSAUR. The more info you have about the type of Lake Monster you’re dealing with, the better you can prepare yourself. For example, Giant Snapping Turtles can be handily dealt with by boxing them in the ears, which will give you a chance to harpoon gun them. Giant Sharks? Harpoon gun a nearby fish and watch it go after the blood in the water! Freshwater Kraken? Have I mentioned harpoon guns?

And when you’re swimming, remember;

  • Never go swimming after dark. Not only are most Lake Monsters nocturnal and therefore more likely to devour you horribly at night, but you’re much less likely to see them (and rogue head-splitting rocks) coming.
  • Use the buddy system. If you’re going swimming, bring a friend! You can have each other’s backs and keep a look out for any incoming Giant Shark fins.
  • Look before you leap! Don’t just go cannonballing off that rickety dock – look down first. Are there baleful saurian eyes looking back at you? I’d recommend maybe taking a bath instead.
  • Harpoon gun. ‘Nuff said.
  • Find an ancient gold coin or idol at the bottom of the lake covered in moss? DON’T TOUCH IT. You may be stealing a Lake Monster’s gold. As it is in ancient tombs, as it is at the bottom of lakes. Leave it be, alright?

And, of course, keep on the look out for non-lake-monster-related supernatural threats. When looking into the lake or pool before you leap (as per the above survival tip), if you see someone else’s mournful reflection or perhaps your own but as an old person, you might be dealing with a haunted lake or the site of a future/past time travel accident. It’s not worth it. Take a bath instead.

Remember survivors, this summer, stay cool and stay survived!

New Video – Interview with Suspected Werewolf

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Hail Survivors,

As many of you know, I recently went on location to interview a suspected genetic werewolf in his werewolf containment facility or crib.

Like many suspected werewolves, Louis Pine was puzzled about his lycanthropy status after failing to transform under the full moon. He wrote into SOS asking for advice and many of you responded with helpy werewolf hints and tips.

So when he invited me to help him document his lupine life, what could I say? He even had his own camera. I could not refuse. I set my GPS and hit the road.

I travelled to meet Louis this summer in his crib and well  *SPOILER ALERT*  I survive. I can’t say the same for anyone else.

Also if anyone knows the current WERE-abouts of the survivor known as “Louis,” please contact the site ASAP. He’s been MIA for several months now and lots of people are really worried about him.

Graham is helping me finish Louis’ videos to show on the site. I expect to be posting them in the next few weeks. Until then here’s part of my interview with Louis Pine, suspected werewolf:

Thanks for keeping on keeping on with me.

Seth

P.S. More videos coming soon. Ish.