Fingers are flying following Nessie the world’s most famous mermonster vanishing act from the Loch Ness in 2013 after nearly a century of dependable appearances.
So get your finger ready to joint the fight and consider carefully from the options below who you think is to blame.
(Please remember that all individuals named are innocent until proven guilty so please practice safe finger pointing. Especially Nessie Hunter George Edwards, below, who emailed me a few times using several large legal words.)
First, the background. Loch Ness Monster researcher Gary Campbell stunned the world last week when he announced that the Loch Ness Monster has now been officially missing for 18 months, the longest no-Nessie stretch in over 90 years, leaving the world to wonder who or what could be responsible.
Suspect #1: Nessie Hunter George Edwards
The name says it all. He hunts. Nessie. Oh I know he says this means just trying to shoot the cryptid with a camera but then why the enormous, refrigerated hold in the belly of his boat, complete with blowgun?
In an email to me last year Captain Edwards denied that hold was for fish to feed the beast after another Nessie-debunkologist accused him of actually feeding Nessie so what exactly was Captain Edwards planning to store down there?
Suspect #2: Adrian Shine
Captain Edward’s arch enemy and Nessie debunkologist likes nothing better than trying to prove every Nessie photo a fake. When Captain Edwards publicly called him a pseudo-scientist, did Mr. Shine go from Nessie kill-joy to Nessie killer? Killing Nessie would be the only way Mr. Shine could be 100% certain there would be no Nessie in the Loch Ness.
Suspect #3: Charlie Sheen
Mr. Sheen, a self-declared warlock with tiger blood in his veins, among other substances, freely admits flying to Scotland last June to hunt for Nessie.
While Mr. Sheen later publicly stated that he failed to find the famous mermonster, ask yourself this one question – is this the face of a man whose public statements you should trust? ‘Nuff said.
Suspect #4: Magnetic Island, Australia
At first glance only one man seemed guilty here – the man who took the now famous Lost Nessie photo (below), Mr. David Herron. Mr. Herron runs a wedding celebration company on beautiful Magnetic Island where he brags about having planned over 1500 unique and memorable wedding ceremonies and prides himself on his pull-out-all-stops reputation when it comes to pleasing the clients. Was Mr. Herron under pressure to produce a Nessie-themed wedding? It seemed likely to me.
But further investigation reveals the whole island’s 200-odd inhabitants appear to be in on it. Jealous of Scotland’s tourism success, did Magnetic Island hatch a Nessie breeding plot to make their own monster reputation? Was this a cold case of cryptid kidnapping?
Suspect #5: Nessie
Let’s face it, Nessie’s not getting any younger. He – or she – has gamely performed for tourists on a random schedule for over 90 years. Did Nessie finally have enough?
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It goes without saying that you of course can make up your own mind, but me I’m especially interested in numbers 4 and 5. In fact, I’m hoping to get a lift to Australia later this week so I can look into it. If I can just get Graham to pack me properly then I’ll call FedEx and ask for Urban Squatch later this week.