Happy St. Paddy’s Day Survivors!
Ever wonder what happened to Survivor Sheryl, who told her chilling St. Patrick’s Day story last year? Well me too. I never did hear back…
That’s a sombre reminder of the dangers we all face today, St. Patrick’s Day, the height of global leprechaun activity worldwide. Today of all days, be sure to remove any and all gold jewelry, hang onto your pants, and arm yourself with a four-leaf clover, preferably two. Or like Sheryl, you could end up with a leprechaun lose in your closet:
SETH! I URGENTLY NEED YOUR HELP, LIKE RIGHT NOW!!!
So here is what happened: I’m walking out of a store on 5th Avenue earlier when I dropped a gold earring. This weird little guy with a funny accent mumbling about gold picks it up and not only won’t give it back but he totally follows me home like right into my apartment and won’t leave! It is crazy! About ten minutes ago he made a beeline for my designer shoe collection- it was freaky- he whips out this little cloth from his freaky little green britches and starts polishing my favourite open-toed slingbacks!
I managed to shut the door and lock it but I have absolutely no idea how to get him out of my house!
At present the little runt is working his way through my shoes- he has an uncanny knowledge of designer footwear- and luckily I have a LOT of shoes- but he is bound to want to get out and start pestering me about his gold again!
Help me Seth! What do I do??? How do you get a leprechaun out of your apartment!!?! I’ve attached a video in case that helps…
Well Sheryl, you might not want to hear this but the ancients considered RETREAT a form of bravery. A minor form to be sure, but bravery is bravery. Buggering off and running away is living to fight another day. As March turns to April, the Leprechauns concentrate instead on hiding the spoils of March at the ends of rainbows so they can mellow in the sunshine with everybody else.
Do you have a friend you can stay with? Maybe a tall one who you know is safe?
Above all DO NOT try to retrieve your shoes or pants. You might think an industrious Leprechaun would turn to selling speed enchants on your sneakers but in the majority of cases they leave a magic residue that will kill you or make your feet stink or both.
And that’s all I told her. And then I never heard back. Was I too vague? Did she just get too busy surviving to check in? I guess I’ll never know. Anyway if you’re out there Sheryl thanks for sending in this video and thanks for keeping on wherever you are.