Angels, mistaken for paragons of peace and love by confused humans everywhere, have actually been waging a terrible, bloody war with each other for around 4.5 BILLION years. During this time, virtually every angel has been recruited to one side or another thus blurring any distinction between “fallen” or “unfallen” that may have once existed. As a result although some of them may indeed be good or helpful to you, it’s hard to know which ones. Or why. Worse, sometime around year 1 billion the angels began to forget what the war was even about or how it could be resolved. In this confusion they have widened their war to include a lot of innocent bystanders, especially humans they suspect of being “nephilim,” that is angel-human hybrids.
So, how to survive? Pray? NO! Above all do NOT pray in front of an angel. Angels consider that a HUGE insult, to think that God would listen to you and not to them. Maybe try this instead:
1. Can you play the harp? If not, maybe learn. Fast. Angels are entranced by the sound of harp music. Maybe have some ready on your iPod.
2. Stay in your car. Angels hate cars and driving anywhere.
3. Talk a LOT about your “Great Uncle Gregori.” In fact, create a celestial ringtone for him and arrange for him to “call” you and interrupt.
4. Tell her she’s molting. Angels are very proud of their wings and very conscious of the market value of the feathers which can be used in “magic” pillows and duvets. An angel will do almost anything to avoid leaving feathers behind.
5. Out-imagine him. Angels can “imagine” almost any weapon they want into their hands but it takes a moment. During this time you can sometimes break their concentration by questioning choices like, “Why not eight inch spikes?” or, “It needs a pattern on the hilt…”
~~~IF YOU ARE ANGEL OR NEPHILIM~~~
The first thing you need to remember as a part-angel “nephilim” is SECRECY! Until you know who can be trusted with your secret, anything you say or do may draw suspicion and attention that you probably don’t want. Especially in November. Humans all over the world call out the angels for Archangel Day, November 8, unleashing a flurry of global angel activity. So don’t be surprised if one of them attempts to make contact with you during this month so you need to be careful as you begin to discover your angelic abilities. Some of these may include:
1. Communicating with animals.
3. Understanding and maybe even speaking languages that you have never even studied.
4. Wings that may – or may not! – enable you to fly. Some report these wings appear in shadow long before they actually begin to grow.
5. A powerful imagination and the ability to materialize things from it.
These abilities do not normally emerge all at once and can be trained with the right angel teacher. However beware of the fallen ones who want to recruit you into their angel war. Or worse, eliminate you due to something called the Nephilim Prophesy. The Nephilim Prophesy is rumored to link the life and death of the nephilim to the end of the world which in turn is supposed to theoretically bring on the final stage in the angel’s long war. As nobody has actually SEEN this prophesy, the actual details are a little bit vague but in any case, if you don’t want to be a pawn in cosmic game of chess, then keep your feathers under wraps!
(Apologies to any angel-human experimental hybrids, you so-called “Teraphim.” I know your case is different but I’m running out of room.)
For more information about nephilim, see Chris Nephilim (below). He has been reliable so far and appears entirely neutral.
The BIG change is that Graham and I fixed the way that the Survival Videos play. They were generally not working the way that you would want them to thanks to a change in the OS and we tried for months to fix it but now we finally figured it out. So if you never have before please take a look at the videos. There are lots of ways to get there including taping on the spot where it says Zombie Month right on the first page.
The logic to determine your Monster diagnosis has also been fine-tuned, increasing the Monstrometer’s overall accuracy by nearly 0.87%. Now I know that may not seem like much but it is a lot when you are dealing with something as accurate as the Monstrometer.
And while we have not added any new results to the database we have added a number of new questions to help diagnose your supernatural state.
For those who didn’t notice it was there before there is a “More” tab that contains all kinds of goodies like a monsters page with quick links to all of the Monstrometer Monster Report pages, the videos and more! (Hence the name)
The update has been uploaded to the App Store for approval and should be available for you to download soon. Probably in less than a week. Graham and I are already working on the next update which should be a little bit bigger. Maybe even including a new result.
Keep on keeping on.
P.S. Screenshots coming soon!
UNLESS – you are destined to become a king, queen, prince, principal, state official or school administrator. In witch case, feel free to fear witches!
But if your destiny does not include any of these professions, you likely have nothing to fear from witches. Janitors for instance, have generally have nothing to fear from witches. In fact, night janitors routinely participate in secret ceremonies designed to summon witches on magic brooms.
If however your career aspirations lean toward the lofty or the official, then turn to the following principals when dealing with witches:
1. Talk about the weather. Witches love a good weather anomaly. If you haven’t seen any – MAKE ONE UP! Amphibian precipitation is a popular one but any one will do.
2. Speak to him in Latin! If possible, make it rhyme. For instance: ILLIC QUONDOM ERAM A VIR EX NANTUCKETT…(“There once was a man from Nantuckett…”) Guaranteed to slow her down, if not scare her off.
3. Be open-minded. You could learn a lot as a frog or a tree. Some people pay witches a lot of money for this opportunity and you’re getting it for free!
MERMONSTER OR MERMAID
Trust me on this, true Mermish are not your maid! Behind those perky shells and streaming hair is a powerful aquatic being.
But with a few common sense rules you can minimize the threat posed to you by the mermish ie: mermaids and mermen, enchanted nymphs and naiads and assorted aquatic aliens:
1. Avoid water access points, the 3-Bs: boats, beaches and bathrooms.
2. Eliminate all waterways in your own home. Close the water pipes.
3. Do you own a fish pond, tank or bowl? Consider finding a new pet. Unless the thought of waking up with a giant Koi munching your eyeball is appealing to you.
4. Purchase one or more stylish, safety approved Life Vest or PFD (personal flotation device). Wear it at all times. You won’t see the wave coming until it’s too late.
5. Mermonsters love bubbles so if you see bubbles coming you might want to run. And you may also be able to distract an angry mermonster with a simple bubble blowing device long enough for you to get away.
6. Avoid sewer grates especially during a heat wave. Not just because of the bad smell but because Mermonsters – particularly in landlocked cities – will take cover in the sewers to keep themselves moist and cool when nothing else is available. This is unpleasant business for any mermonster who is used to being very clean and it makes them very irritable. To pass the time they play TAG and TRIP with creatures who pass over the sewer grates. *All hail to Hails & Sereina for the great tip.*
IF THE MERMONSTER IS YOU!
Ah, hi. Please don’t explode my drink in my face. I know you’re not a MONSTER monster. Mermaids are great. Really. Who doesn’t love mermaids? Besides fishermen and some sailors, everyone loves mermaids. There are lots of mermaids – men on the site below. Here are a few of the tips submitted by the Mermish on this site:
1. Always drink through a straw to minimize the chances of water touching your skin and triggering a fishy reaction when people are watching.
2. Some mermaids MUST bathe every 24 hours or they start to weaken and die. If you are this type of mermaid carry a spray bottle of water with you where ever you go.
3. Never let the fish follow you home. You may want to save them all, you but a floating fish in a bubble of water who follows you everywhere you go is like hanging a sign on you that says, “MERMISH.” Not a good idea.
YOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A PSYCHOPATH
Psychopaths are terminally shallow, self-interested and self-gratifying. Dealing with psychopaths is never easy but here are some tips you can try:
1. Never show fear. They like it. Unless your psychopath is also a confirmed cannibal, in which case see: DANGER – YOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A CANNIBAL.
2. Snap a very unflattering photo of her. Think low angles, bad lighting, focus on her nostrils and double chin. Queue it up to Twitter immediately and threaten to *SEND*. It could save your life.
3. Divert him! Psychopaths are terminally bored. The nihilistic vacuum of psychopathy leaves the average psychopathic killer wallowing in his own ennui and belly-button lint. Think of something of interest to him in his daily life, say the latest Black & Decker drill or even a handy psychopathy checklist.
4. Hang out with people who are hotter and more outgoing than you. I understand this runs counter to all dating advice which maintains you should pick friends who make you look gooder by comparison. But dating and psychopath avoidance are often related so you do well to re-examine this advice. Having only hotter, louder friends ensures that you will probably not be the primary target of a psychopath. Of course you may have to protect your hot friends later but never mind that. For now, just enjoy the free drinks, keep your eyes open and your mouth shut.
~~~If The Psychopath is You~~~
Don’t despair. A diagnosis in psychopathy doesn’t have to mean a life sentence of obsessive holiday killing sprees, if you don’t want it to. Due to the popularization of psychopathic diagnostic tools, more and more humans are being diagnosed as psychopathic every single day. You are not alone!
Many psychopaths successfully sublimate their murderous urges and go on to become great captains of middle management and all-round family folk. You can choose your own psycho-path.
Here’s a few tips from successful psychopaths who were once just like you:
1. Develop a code of ethics. Please do not rely on on your gut instincts about how to treat others. Unless you intend to do the opposite of what you feel. Do NOT develop this behavioural code on your own! Organized religions like Judaism, Islam and Christianity to name just a few have managed to distill some of the important points into a plan for you. Start by picking up one of their guiding tombs and crack it open to a random page.
Allow me demonstrate. Okay, here for example. The Bible. Old Testament so Judaism approved. Deuteronomy 18:10 reads:
Never sacrifice your son or daughter as a burnt offering.
See? That’s very good advice for a psychopath. Religious books like these are full of gems like this one that speak to you. Pick up your copy today!
2. Learn to appear normal. This is not just a matter of later witness identification, it’s just a matter of basic courtesy. Try your best to look un-scary. Leave your hockey mask on the rink. You won’t need it at the lake. You’ll find that people react better to your presence and the comparative warmth of their reactions may not melt your psychopathic heart but it will trigger fewer slaughterous incidents. And that’s good for everyone.
3. Learn to feel normal. After you’ve mastered looking normal, you’ll want to look into that whole “feelings” business some people are always on about. This may come as a surprise to you, but you can do this entirely without cutting open your family and friends. Try asking them how they feel about things and then listening to their answers instead. Beyond that a few basic psychology classes can supplement your understanding. If it’s not, consider following the psycho-path of more than a few historical examples and become a clinical psychologist.
Start there and see how it goes!