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Supernatural Seasonal Gift Shopping? How About A Haunted Sword

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You still shopping for a perfect seasonal gift for that special supernatural someone in your life? Look no further than Craigslist where this bewitching grandma is looking to unload her haunted sword.

Grandma selling haunted sword from the 1700s.
Grandma selling haunted sword from the 1700s.

The sword auction creating a supernatural storm appeared on Craigslist last week. The grandmother in question states that she purchased the haunted sword from a suspicious antiques dealer in the southern U.S. back in 1984 and now wishes to part ways with it.

But bidders beware – the curse on this sword remains largely unexplained. The details of the auction ad, which you can find here, mention only vaguely that the owner’s life has, “descended into chaos,” since the sword’s arrival in her home.

The sword is reportedly scaring her knitting group and knocking crucifixes off her walls with alarming regularity.

“My knitting group came over and they all said they could feel a strange energy in my sword room,” she writes. “I cannot have this cursed item in my house anymore.”

That said, the current owner was well aware that she was buying a bewitched blade.

“The person who sold it to me told me to be careful because there is a 90+% chance that it is cursed,” she says.

But bidders beware. Even if you, like me, are always on the hunt for a sword of power, the true nature of the curse on this sword remains unknown.

Think about it. Should you really trust an old woman who meets with a so-called knitting group in a sword room? Who boasts owning over 100 swords? What kind of knitters are these anyway? I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess there are exactly 13 of them and they meet only on Fridays in the dead of the night…

“This is my only haunted sword,” the little old lady protests in her ad. But SOS readers who observe the net bag of garlic hanging beside her door will no doubt remain supernaturally suspicious.

Judging from the photo, the sword does not confer immortality – or at least not eternal youth, but could this woman be an immortal hunter? Specifically, the leader of a vampire-hunting coven?

With the darkest hours almost upon us again, the restless spirits of the season are ready to roam free. Even bidding on this sword could be hazardous to your health. And if you intend to wrap this up and put it beneath your tree, you’ll need more than a cheery yule log and a string of spirit popcorn to deal with the consequences on December 22. The dread Yule Cat will be the least of your worries.

Me, I think I’ll just keep looking beneath the birch trees for my immortal sword instead.

Alternately, you could check out another supernatural auction going on right here on the pages of SOS. Sword of Longinus anyone? 

Eternal Sword Mystery in Siberia

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Did Mysterious Medieval Sword Loss Make Ivan Terrible?

An eternal sword found buried beneath a tree of life in Russia hacks headlines this week as the researcher who discovered it claims this sword could be the stolen blade that helped make the Russian Tsar, Ivan the Onion Breath, so very Terrible.

Epic sword found buried under birch tree.
Epic sword found buried under birch tree.

The mysterious medieval sword was discovered buried at the base of a birch tree known in Russia as a tree of life by researchers who said it was so incredibly well-preserved that it sparkled.

“I was scared to raise it from the ground,” said Russian researcher Vyacheslav Molodin who helped uncover the sword. “I slowly twisted it, noting sparkles of silver on the guard and blade. It was so well-preserved you could in fact use it in battle almost straight away.”

The sword bears a clear inscription in Latin devoting it to God and the Eternal. But to whom did it belong?

Having raised the sword himself and survived, Mr. Molodin now devotes his life to solving the matter and this week he put forth a new theory –>> this is the sword of Ivan the Terrible himself, taken from his armoury by one of his own knights.

Widely regarded as one of the most ruthless leaders in history, Mr. The Terrible was the orphan who loved killing people and onions. Two facts that until today have been widely reported and linked. In fact he loved onions so much he made churches have onion tops after declaring himself the first Tsar of Russia in the 16th Century. And he loved killing people so much that among thousands of others at the end of his life he inexplicably killed his own favourite son, possibly with this very sword. But was it really just too many onions that mad him mad at the end of his life? Or something more?

“While onions are notably hardy and good for you, people who eat too many of them may become foul-breathed and bad-tempered,” states a warning from the Ontario Onion Council. “Excessive onion eaters are 50X more likely to kill their own heirs than any other vegetable eating demographic.”

But if Mr. Molodin’s theory is true, Ivan’s terrible temper may have been less about the onions and more about the loss of his epic weapon. Did Ivan kill to get it back? Did the ruler really give the blade to his favourite knight or did he suspect his own son of taking it without permission? If so or not, how does it then wind up buried for centuries at the base of a tree known as a Tree of Life?

Mr. Molodin says we can’t be sure if the blade was buried intentionally or just dropped here in the heat of battle but those who are more prone to burying relics at the bases of trees of life have a more elaborate theory.

“Clearly the sword was stolen from Ivan and buried here to await a more worthy wielder. I suspect this made old onion-breath mad enough he started killing everyone to find it,” stated one such relic burier.

While the mystery continues and we await Mr. Molodin’s definitive findings, survivors are advised to look hard beneath any trees of life for any telltale signs there may be an eternal blade buried beneath it. Also to watch Mr. Molodin’s Facebook page for any telltale signs of aging, madness or killing sprees that could indicate he may be joining the ranks of magic-mad immortals. 

Seth

Resolve to Be Immortal in 2014

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Turritopsis Nutricula Ages Backward to Childhood
Turritopsis Nutricula is Immortal – Why Not You?

Should auld acquaintance forget to look any aulder this New Years Eve – watch out you may be partying with an Immortal.

We all have them, that certain friend who never seems to change or age. New Years Eve brings them out. Maybe an imminent Gathering or just to laugh at the rest of us, nobody knows. One thing is sure though. There is most definately more than one. In fact there appears to be more everyday. Why?

A few theories:

Theory #1: Turritopsis Nutricula

Yes, the immortality jellyfish who has defeated death with its infinite ability to age backwards and forwards between adolescence and adulthood. Teams of scientists around the globe have been working tirelessly to unlock the Turritopsis secret and exploit it in creams, elixirs and infusions. Have they succeeded in clinical trials? Does this account for the Japanese businessmen in love with Hello Kitty? Or the middle-aged American women reading Twilight with hair in pigtails? I’d like to know.

Theory #2 – The Methuselah Tree

The earth’s oldest living organism is allegedly an aptly-named Bristlecone Pine in the White Mountains of California. Its GPS remains an official state secret after the ill-fated Prometheus Tree survived 4,844 years only to be mowed down by a sample-happy science student.

Is the Methuselah tree out of the woods? California is reputed to have the highest concentration of Immortals on the planet. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.

Theory #3 – Evolution of Homo Immortalis 

Our ancestors just needed puberty and Dad’s cave for ten minutes to give a selfish gene everything it really wants – immortality in a new little host

Have you seen this chalice?
Have you seen this chalice?

body. But now that humanity has grown more selfish than even its genes, with record numbers declining to participate in the genetic marathon of life, what’s a smart gene to do? Could we be seeing the first of a new breed of Immortals, Homo Immortalis? Afterall if a mere jellyfish can do it, spontaneously develop the genetic ability to just NEVER die, why not a human?

Theory #4 – The Chalice of Hebes

Hebes the Greek goddess of youth is said to have a magic chalice that can summon water from the Fountain of Youth itself. How can you get some? Unclear, but she has been known to bring it out and share this water from time to time for a good reason, like to help win a fight a fight or gain love.

Can she be persuaded to share some youth water with you? Unknown. But well-known fact – Hebe is also famous for her clumsiness and absent mindedness. For instance she has been known to  sometimes completely forget to put on a shirt before going outside.

I’m not saying you should try to trick Hebe into leaving her chalice with you, I’m just saying she might do or in fact have already done this on her own.

What does this mean for you? I’m just saying this New Years, forget about the donut and workout resolutions. Resolve instead to become immortal. Start by identifying and studying one of the Immortals living among us. Get close and learn. Not too close though! You can’t party that hard – don’t even try! Immortals have a vastly different risk-assessment scale.

Then please do report back. We’re not getting any younger!

Demigods

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Demi rhymes with semi and hemi and like all those X-emis it means, “half.”  Ergo, a demigod is half god. As a result of this half-and-half status, demigods usually have some extraordinary godlike powers but always combined with an equal number of extraordinary human weaknesses. A common example of this? Lightning fast reflexes combined with ADHD.  Or like Achilles, you may be invulnerable to bullets everywhere except for your heel, which if attacked can instantly kill you.  Or like Samson, super-strong until somebody cuts off your hair.

And that’s the easiest part of this definition, because nobody can agree on the rest. Like, where do demigods really come from? I won’t go into detail about it here but as you probably already suspect, this debate is about biology vs. environment again. Are gods and goddesses really prone to periodic acts of love with mortals, with lil’ demigodlings the genetic result? Could your real mom or dad be a god or a goddess? Or can any creature appeal to any god or goddess for the gift or loan of god-like powers therefore be elevated to the status of demigod, either temporarily or permanently?

Whatever the case, it’s prudent to identify them – or to know if YOU could be one!