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Traditional Tree Decorating Made Easy: Baconsil for Cold Spirits!

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Between dangerous Boxing Day sales and zombie mall Santas, it’s so easy to forget the real spirit of the season –  that is, the spirits of the season. Unfortunately, these dark spirits will not forget about you. Did you decorate for survival?

Oldentimey survivors understood the dangers of these long, dark nights filled with fear of illness, bad sweaters and family ferment. Groaning, hungry, cold shadowy spirits who roam the dark land. It’s not just about Grinches and Grylas or Zwarte Pietes. We’re talking Night Runners, El Cucos, Yule Cats, Sandmen and Krampuses. Why else would we need so many bright lights and angels and miracles right now? That’s why a traditional tree is not just a convenient gift stand, it’s a trap for dangerous spirits.

The spirits of the season love baconsil.
The spirits of the season love baconsil.

Well Oldentimey folks knew this. They were the first understand the importance of a tasteful, in fact a downright tasty, Christmas tree. That’s right, forget about how it looks, your Christmas tree has to TASTE good. Because you use it to lure the spirits of darkness indoors with a happy green tree decked with edible.

Why would you want to lure spirits indoors, you may ask? It does seem counter-intuitive but believe it or not, it’s simple – a tree full of powerful, well-fed spirits is a tree full of happy spirits who will protect you and your family from all kinds of things, annoying Yule cats and Grinches for instance but more importantly, from other hungry spirits of darkness.

This is very important. Traditional decorations include nuts, apples, muffins, mashmallow or popcorn garlands and of course, long strips of bacon draped over the branches. In short, everything a spirit needs to stay warm and happy and out of trouble! Compare that to the Christmas trees of today. How many spirits will starve in those boughs, hung with glittering plastic balls and synthetic garlands? Do we really need to be reminded that any spirit with the MUNCHIES is a NASTY one? Take my word for it. Pop some corn, slap it on a string and get it up there *STAT!* Your family is depending on you. Better yet, break out some bacon and drape it over the branches. That will keep them busy longer. Where do you think tinsil comes from anyway?

Let me be clear. I am not saying you should abandon a defensive strategy of trapping the light in your Christmas tree branches. This is a sound strategy for some ie: survivors with a back up generator and/or a good fire extinguisher but if your tree depends on electricity alone, you are leaving your family undefended in the case of a power outage.  Why not hedge your bets and arm your tree with some happy, well-fed spirits?

Take this advice and all should go smoothly. Spirits stay happy and fall asleep in the branches, the sun will return and we survive another Christmas like the triumphant seasonal survivors that we have always historically been.

Yule Cat Self-Defense Is Your Ugly New Christmas Sweater Ready?

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SOS from the Seasonal Survival file, as you prepare to face the next holiday horror, that most spiteful spirit of Christmas, the dread Icelandic Yule Cat, remember there’s a right way and a wrong way to stop old Jólakötturinn the demon from eating your eyeballs on December 22.

If you don't have a new sweater, why no REnew an old one?
When the Yule Cat comes on December 22 will your sweater pass muster?

Quick review if you haven’t faced him – or her –  yet. Jólakötturinn the Yule Cat is a demon who stalks the earth this time of year, ready to attack people who wear old sweaters on December 22.  The demon is the number one reason for the ugly sweater season, another example of an ancient tradition steeped in survival.

And what kind of demon kills old sweater-wearers, you might ask? A Yule Cat demon, obviously but some say the fevered feline was once the sold soul of a supermodel who made a deal with the devil for catwalk riches, and now is doomed to spend eternity as a catty demon who polices polyester.

Whatever his true origin,  on December 22, the winter solstice,  Jólakötturinn the Icelandic Yule Cat will attack anyone who fails to don some new apparel in the form of an ugly new Christmas sweater.

Now full confession here, yes in the past I have stated that if you don’t have an ugly new Christmas sweater to wear on December 22, you can and should RE-new an ugly OLD one and that this would be sufficient to deter the demon cat. In fact I’ve written long articles ignored by millions if not billions around the globe about how to fool the Yule Cat in precisely this way, with an ugly Christmas sweater that seems new.

But there is a right way and a wrong way to go about renewing an old sweater and this year a group of irresponsible baseball players may be trying to get themselves killed.

For instance check out this sweater. Pitcher Brandon League’s efforts to protect himself and his gf from the Yule Cat and win the ugly sweater sweepstakes prompted him to glue garlands and candy canes to the front of some old sweaters (above)  and while I applaud the pitcher for effort, he appears to have overlooked one important fact here. These sweaters are both:

a) nowhere near ugly enough to deflect Jólakötturinn’s jaudiced eye. Especially not that one on his girlfriend, let’s be honest. It’s pretty hot.

b) basically will turn you into a walking cat toy. That stuffed Yeti on the front of Brandon’s sweater may be intended to scare away the Yule Cat but it will likely have the opposite effect. Sure demons hate Yeti but what feline could resist taking a swipe at you in one of those? After all, Jólakötturinn is still a cat and like all cats, enjoys attacking loose threads and stuffed animals.

(In fact some claim the Yule Cat doesn’t exactly mean to scratch your face off and eat your eyeballs, that he’s just likes playing with loose thread. But that’s a whole other debate.)

Pitcher Max Scherzer knows how to keep the Yule Cat away.
Pitcher Max Scherzer knows how to keep the Yule Cat away. Unfortunately, his wife will never make it.

So does this mean you shouldn’t try to disguise your ugly old Christmas sweater as an ugly new Christmas sweater to fool the most unfestive feline?

Not at all. I still stand by my words. If you can’t afford a brand new ugly sweater, take a note from the work of Max Scherzer. There’s a good reason this pitcher is in the Big 12 – he knows how to survive.  By gluing an arrangement of felt stockings to the front of his sweater every year, he can easily fool the Yule Cat without drawing his attention. It is both ugly enough and looks different enough from the previous year to pass muster.

(Unfortunately, the girlfriend again, is likely not going to make it. Is that even a sweater she’s wearing? Too bad but as a professional baseball player Max can probably find a replacement.)

Mistletoe Cheerful Holiday Kissing Plant Or Secret Killer?

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It’s Mistletoe season, before you kiss beneath that Mistletoe, stop and consider this. Is that little plant really just a happy holiday enabler of public displays of affection or is it a dangerous killer of mythic proportions?

Mistletoe mayhem
Mistletoe mayhem

Well the debate begun here by Fenrir is over and the verdict is in. Let me just save you some speculation and cut to the chase –>> DANGEROUS KILLER OF MYTHIC PROPORTIONS.

Avoid holiday horror! Learn just three of the myriad ways your Mistletoe might make mayhem for you and what you can do to stop it.

Ways Your Mistletoe Might Make Mayhem:

1. It might fall and touch the ground. 

Tradition states that Mistletoe must never touch the ground, not even when it is harvested from the tree. Especially not then. Do you know how your Mistletoe was harvested? Find out before it’s too late. You could have a mad Mistletoe spirit situation.

Why can’t Mistletoe touch the ground? Mistletoe is a powerful parasitic plant that grows high up on the branches of other trees in the forest, tapping into the sap to make powerful berries that protect the forest. These berries are poisonous to beings the tree doesn’t exactly want getting too close to it – including humans.

Traditional Mistletoe harvesters understood this power.  They worked silently with ropes and knives to sneak up on the powerful plant and cut it down, careful not to let a single branch or berry fall to the ground. But if it did happen, the traditional harvester, aka a witch or a warlock, would sprinkle a mixture of uncut gems combined with blue corn and tobacco beneath the tree by way of apology and thanks and let’s face it, to distract any angry spirits.

(Angry spirits, much like the rest of us, get distracted by both shiny and smelly things.)

If your Mistletoe has not been harvested properly in this way, you could have an angry forest spirit in your Mistletoe right now.  That angry spirit will try to  drop those berries down when you least expect it, into the drinks of your guests and the mouth of your little brother.

And don’t be fooled by modern Mistletoe harvesters who say this isn’t a problem anymore because they use a gun. Yes, it has become common to shoot Mistletoe down from the tree, and then they just pick the branches off the forest floor, hoping the gunshot will scare away any evil spirits. But trust me, nothing makes for an angrier Mistletoe spirit than being shot.

So if you’re not sure how your Mistletoe was harvested? Hang a small bag of gemstones, blue corn and tobacco leaf in close proximity to the Mistletoe. If it’s a wreath, I would advise putting it in the very middle.

Loki first put the missile in Mistletoe.
Loki first put the missile in Mistletoe.

2. Your enemy might sharpen it into a spear or other pointy object.

Particularly dangerous for demigods and descendants thereof. As the Norse god Baldur well knows, it’s not just of the berries you need to be wary. That’s because Baldur was killed by a mistletoe spear.

Now pointy objects are in and of themselves very powerful, but when you combine the power of pointyness with the magic of Mistletoe? You have a weapon that can be used to take down many supernatural beings, even a demigod.

3. Kissers might forget to take away their berry. 

Nobody upholds this tradition anymore but that’s the whole point of kissing under the Mistletoe. You’re supposed to kiss and then the kissers can take away one of the berries, to dispose of it properly without letting it fall on the floor.

That’s because a sincere, loving kiss is alleged to give an angry Mistletoe spirit(s) of the season enough aw-shucks feeling that you will permitted to take one – and only one! –  poisonous berry. It may also help you to identify any potential vampires, as a vampire will never kiss directly beneath under a Mistletoe.

*Please note, the above written represents three and only three of the many ways your Mistletoe may be planning mayhem this holiday season. For more information, please keep on keeping on.  You can read FENRIR’s post that started it all, right here.  

Happy Saint Krampus Night Are You On His Naughty List?

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Have you, like me, always wondered what happens to kids on the Naughty List? Happy St. Krampus Night, the most terrifying night of the holiday calendar after St. Michaelmas and Yule Cat Day. Don’t want to be dragged to the bowels of Austria tonight by a demon dressed in animal skins? Keep reading.

The saint who comes for the kids on the naughty list...
The saint who comes for kids on the naughty list…

Little known fact – Saint Nicholas aka: Santa Claus has a twin brother known as Krampus to whom was assigned the unhappy task of dealing with kids on the infamous Naughty List on this night, December 05. He does this by means of a heavy stick and a child-sized bag on his shoulder.

Why did Krampus get the job of snatching up Naughty Aughties on this night and dragging them off to Austria? That part is unclear. Was he maybe a grumpier baby than little Nick? Of was his life forfeit on birth owing to a pact made with the devil by his mother or father?

We don’t know that part. But we do know this. He hates Santa Claus and kids and hides out in the darkest part of Austria until this night, Krampusnacht, when he receives a copy of the naughty list and goes to work.

Yes, St. Krampus is the most terrifying holiday demon since that Icelandic Yule Cat and the Grinch. Actually, he might even be the Grinch now that I think about it. They look suspiciously similar.

But if you haven’t been perfect all year, don’t despair. There’s still time before midnight to get yourself off the list. Start by emailing or calling Santa Claus immediately and demand to know your status in regards to the list and a copy of your SCIA file (Santa Claus Intelligence Agency). You can do that a few places including here at emailsanta.com

But let’s assume you haven’t been an angel – or maybe you have been an angel and that’s the real problem here – but let’s say that you actually are unfortunately on the naughty list, despite all of your best intentions. Are you doomed to live out the rest of your days roaming the forests and fjords of Austria looking for a gingerbread house?

Maybe. But you don’t despair if you don’t like gingerbread there’s still time to get your name off that list. It’s just going to take some work:

How to Get Your Name off the Naughty List By Midnight 

An impossibly ambitious helpy SOS list in progress…

Get your name off his list by midnight!
Get your name off his list by midnight!

1. Plan to perform a good deed by midnight.

 Bonus points if your good deed in some way rectifies a situation that got you on that naughty list to begin with so try to get that info out of the SCIA. That’s why ideally, you need a copy of your file.

2. Perform and document the good deed.

Don’t tell me that for a deed to be truly good it must be done in ignomy. I’m aware of this noble principal and practice it often but I’m also aware that the clock is ticking and you need proof! So get some. Make sure there are witnesses. Document, document, document. Photos are good, video is better.

3. Send your proof to the SCIA asap with a detailed report of your deed and why it should cancel out any previous lesser ungood deeds.

4. Rinse and Repeat.

That’s right. Deed after deed until finally it sticks. For some of us, it might take a lot of good deeds tonight to cancel out the other ones. But I have to try. Because I hate gingerbread. It tastes like dwarves.

5. Hire an angel to be your lawyer.

If all else fails or you think your case might be too complicated, you might need a spiritual lawyer, in this case, because Saint Krampus is a demon, you will need an angel lawyer to plead your case before midnight.

Don’t have an angel lawyer on speed dial? Why not try the Little Angel of Herogenbosch. She takes tweets @ut_engelke*

*Please note SOS does not endorse or not not endorse the services of any real angel(s) you may meet on this site.  

Global Grinch Gang Grumblings: Protect Your Tree to Save the Season!

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Groans from a gobsmacked globe today – the Grinch is back to his greedy old tricks, grabbing your trees, decorations and gifts. Has his head come lose again? Are his shoes too tight?  No one quite knows all of the reason but read on if you want to save the whole Christmas season.

Gangs of grinches grubbing your Christmas?

The Grinchy grabs began in New York, where hundreds of Christmas trees went missing on the same day, leaving no clues except eye-witness accounts of a truck marked: Grinchscaping Inc. 

Detectives decided the green grubber had likely grown tired of grinching fully-decorated trees up the chimblies one by one and was now using a fake company in an attempt to strangle the global tree market.

His tree plot foiled, the Grinch’s next gambit was even more gruesome – and this time the stories all speak of a twosome! When Christmas decorations began disappearing in Texas, a greenish-haired lady known as “Mrs. Grinch” was arrested.

Unfortunately Mr. Grinch got away and gifts began disappearing the very next day. Reports rollling in now from far and near, California to London: the Grinch has been here! 

“It appears the Grinch is not acting alone anymore,” stated one Grinch tracker. “I don’t care what kind of creature a Grinch actually is, nobody who rides a little dog like Max can move around the globe that fast.”

Is it true? Is our globe in the grips of a Grinch gang grub-grub? What exactly is a Grinch anyway? And more importantly, how can you protect your Christmas gifts?

Well who better and more convenient to answer these important supernatural questions than me, certified Supernatural Survivologist and writer of this article.

Seth: So Seth, tell us what exactly is a Grinch and just how many of them are there around the world? 

Seth: Well Seth, first I have to admit that I have never scanned a Grinch. But just based on his general morphology, phrenology and psychology, I would guess he is maybe half-leprechaun, half-faery. I’m thinking mainly of his green skin, long, many-jointed limbs, his shrinking heart and his general love of shiny things. But I would have to scan one with the Monstrometer to be sure.

Seth: I thought the Monstrometer didn’t identify fairies yet. 

Seth: It doesn’t. Yet. I blame Graham. He’s still going to school you know.

Seth: That’s crazy. 

Seth: I know. How many university degrees do you really need to correctly identify fairies?

Seth: There are a lot of kinds of fairies. 

Seth: I know. But still.

Seth: So what can we do to protect Christmas from these Grinches? 

Seth: Well in the past, Grinches appeared to have a weakness for cute. Unfortunately, Cindy Lou Hoo grew up before anyone could weaponize her cute ray. If you think you have a cute little brother or sister, you could try parking them under the tree for the night to guard the gifts. If you don’t have that option, your best bet is still the spirits.

Seth: You mean the spirit of Christmas that will loosen the Grinch’s shoes and swell his heart? 

Seth: No, I mean the spirits! The tree spirits! The ones who roam around in the cold looking for a nice, nutritious holiday tree to inhabit, The ones who eat all your traditional candy canes and popcorn strands and baconsil and won’t kill you if you feed them enough.

Seth: Ah yes! Traditional holiday baconsil! I have to get mine up before it’s too late. 
Seth: Yes you do Seth. Because those spirits are your best protection from Grinches. Faeries are terrified of the tree spirits. If you fill your tree with fun and nutritious decorations, the spirits will keep the Grinches at bay and prevent any unwanted holiday horror.
Seth: Thanks Seth. I’ll get right on that. 
Seth: You’re welcome Seth. Thanks for keeping on.
Seth: You’re welcome Seth. Your survival is my survival. 
Seth: Yes. It really is.


The Yule Cat Cometh!

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Between dangerous holiday shopping and zombie mall Santas it’s easy to forget the real threat lurking between you and all that Christmas turkey. Call it Winter Solstice or Alban Arthuan or Yule or just December 21 in the northern hemisphere, the darkest day of the year has come again and the stakes are historically high. Restless spirits must be calmed and the light must be cajoled back into the world with the correct use of fire and festive festoonery. Or we will be doomed by tradition to an entire year of utter darkness.

Icelandic Yule Cat Sees Old Sweaters Everywhere
Icelandic Yule Cat eats you if you wear an old sweater today.

Ordinarily I take this day to plead with survivors for a return to traditional Christmas decorations, ie: substantial, meaty and edible.  (Trim those trees with bacon if you know what’s good for you.) But more about that later. This year our longer days and the promise of summer is far from certain, threatened by other world events and reports from around the world.

Starting with Iceland. That crusty old Yule Cat is said to be particularly angry this year by a general dirth of new sweaters. Recall that Jólakötturinn, the Icelandic Yule Cat, attacks those who fail to don a brand new wool sweater today for yule, dragging them into darkness for crimes of fashion. Ordinarily Icelanders respond appropriately by knitting or at least buying, a brand new sweater to mark the date.

But owing to global circumstances this year, including the aggressive off-season activities of leprechauns, record numbers of people on earth will not be able to wear a new sweater on December 21. This does not bode well for our solstice survival!

Add to this, disturbing reports about the yule log. Authentic oak yule logs are being replaced in record numbers of homes this year by a flood of fake yule log videos on YouTube. The result of this massive digital experimentation has yet to be determined. Recall, an authentic yule log must be lit by a spark from last year’s log. How will this work with a video? Do you make a video of your old video?

Predictions from witches on this site are still coming in read about them here. So far she who goes by the name Bebe, predicts the artificial yule fires will be perfectly acceptable only as long as they are lit from a spark off the old log.

Are digital Yule Logs Safe? Effective?
Record numbers of digital yule logs this solstice

Meanwhile what’s a concerned survivor to do? Start by taking a page from the Oldentimers, who realized the value of effective festoonery. Those decorations are not just  festive, they are a traditional trap for dangerous spirits. You use it to lure the spirits of darkness indoors with a happy green tree decked with substantial edibles. This is very important. Traditional decorations included nuts, apples, muffins and long strips of bacon draped over the branches. In short, everything a spirit needs to stay warm and happy and out of trouble! Compare that to the Christmas trees of today. How many spirits will starve in those boughs, hung with glittering plastic balls and synthetic garlands? Do we really need to be reminded that any spirit with the MUNCHIES is a NASTY one? Take my word for it. Pop some damn corn, slap it on a string and get it up there *STAT!* You family is depending on you. Better yet, break out some bacon and drape it over the branches. That will keep them busy longer. Where do you think tinsel comes from anyway?

Xmas Bacon Baconsil