… OR HOW BEING QUICK WITH A LIMERICK COULD SAVE YOUR SOUL!
Well the supernatural effort to keep my New Years’ survival resolutions is already paying off today, as I officially evaded two dangerous hellevators, just by taking the stairs instead. That’s right, today I correctly avoided stepping into a modern demonic portal conveyance unit or “DPCU” Hellevator for less short, thereby increasing both my physical fitness and my ability to not be burning in a lake of fire.
And you can too. You just have to remember to “LOOK before you LIFT.” What exactly are you looking for? Read on to find out.
But those were simpler times, when most people chose to live near the water and most of them on ground level.
As the world became more complicated and more populated not to mention taller, with skyscrapers springing up around the world, the hellular transport racket has also became more complicated and diverse. Highways, elevators and Plymouths have all been used by enterprising demonic hell drivers ever since.
Most recently, elevators have become the conveyance of preference for a new generation of demons. Hellevators have been spotted in almost every country of the world.
The good news is, Hellevators and their demonic drivers are pretty easy to spot.
Five Signs That You Should Take the Stairs!
1. Before you even press the wall button to summon the elevator, look up and ask yourself, does the elevator go both up and down? Or only in one direction? If this one direction is down, I don’t have to tell you twice to TAKE THE STAIRS.
2. Before you step through the doors look down at the crack between the lift and the platform. Is there any smoke curling out? Flame? Yes? TAKE THE STAIRS.
3. Lean into the lift and look at the button panel. If there are nine levels marked with an “H” you know the drill. TAKE THE STAIRS.
4. Next, look below at the emergency panel. Place your hand on it. Is it hot? Does it move? Can you hear anything? Say the breathing and grunts of a small demon driver waiting for you to get inside the lift?
Older Hellevator daimons like to wait at the bottom for your arrival, but the more modern ones, often the younger ones, just can’t wait to meet you. They stow away behind the emergency panel and emerge mid-descent. Sometimes they want to shake you down and make you an offer. But sometimes they are just bored with life in the underworld. For example, this little daimon girl who runs a Hellevator in Brazil, couldn’t wait to meet the lady who looked like her mom.
(The story has a good news-bad news ending. The lady got out of the Hellevator immediately, but the little daimon did not get to return home as she had hoped.)
In any case, TAKE THE STAIRS.
5. Inspect the walls and ceiling inside the lift. Do you see any scratches? Yes? Bad sign. Somebody had to try very hard to get out. TAKE THE STAIRS.
Remember just because an elevator was fine the last time you took it, doesn’t mean it’s fine today. It could have been Hellevated ie: relicensed as a Hellevator. Recruitment and transportation has become a popular and lucrative trade in the Underworld with lots of demons competing for the next Hellevator license.
Now what if you miss the signs and you do happen to board a Hellevator by mistake?
Maybe other survivors have tips they can share, but here’s one sure-fire tip. You tell the Hellevator conductor that you are an epic poet and say how excited you are for your tour. Weird, I know, but well documented by poets like Dante himself, that hell hates a poet. Dante writes about having to beg to be admitted for just a simple tour.
So prepare some convincing quatrains or at least a quick limerick before you step into your next elevator! Sure, it might lose you a few friends. BUT IT MIGHT SAVE YOUR SOUL!
For more detailed information about demons or daimons, please visit the demons page, updated on a random schedule.