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You are here: Home / Archives for grinch

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Orlando Grinch Denies Grinchscaping Gig, Claims Kinship With Sasquatch

December 4, 2014 By Seth Leave a Comment

The Case of the Grinchscaping Goons

Hang onto you holiday tree, the season of the Grinch is officially underway, with new reports of missing trees and mistletoe already but one unusually gregarious Grinch from Orlando is denying his guilt — only to point one long green finger at an unexpected suspect.

Sasquatches deny his claims.
Sasquatches deny Orlando Grinch’s claims.

SOS readers will recall how the grinchmas gang upped their game in 2013, going after holiday trees en masse with vans and trucks in place of sacks and sleighs, long before Christmas Eve.

After a lengthy police investigation resulted in no arrests of any Grinches, SOS aka: me, Seth of sethonsurvival, the seventh most popular and first most reliable supernatural survivologist on the Interwebs, has decided to take on the case in 2014 and save Christmas for all…

I’ve always wanted to save Christmas for all. Even for the majority of the globe who don’t officially celebrate it. Nay, especially for them. Because who knows when they might want to give it a try? And really how hard could it be?

All I had to do was track down one of the Grinches and interrogate him using my secret survivological interview techniques to elicit a confession.

With that in mind I headed to Orlando last week, home of one of the worlds most gregarious Grinches. Yes that’s right, the one who has turned turned his green infamy into green cash with his grinchy sideshow. Now locating this grinch and getting him to talk to me was the easy part but getting him to tell the truth? Not as easy, as you will see below.

Interrogation of A Grinch

Me: So you call yourself the Orlando Grinch…

O.G.: No no no. The Grinch. I call myself The Grinch. The one and only. You can call me Mr. The Grinch.

Me: Let me get this straight. You claim to have carried off the Great Grinchmas Tree Heist of 2013 all by yourself? Who drove and unloaded all the vans for you?

O.G.: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me: I think you do Sir. The vans were clearly marked GLOBAL GRINCHSCAPING INC.

O.G. I am on record clearly stating that I do not, nor have I ever, engaged in grinchscaping. Have you listened to my interview on the topic?

Me: Oh yeah, I heard your puff piece of personal propaganda, but I’m not talking about your personal grooming habits Sir. I’m talking about the fact that you and your gang no longer have the gall to wait for Christmas Eve to start stealing the season. What happened to you Orlando, you all get too fat for the Chimblies? Or is this a new level of Grinchy greed?

O.G.: Are you calling me fat?

Me: Well yeah but more than that, I’m calling you greedy. You and all the other grinches going global with your operation.

O.G.: That’s absurd. As previously stated, there are no other grinches but me. I am the One True Grinch.

Me: Suit yourself. Then you’ll take the rap for the whole gang and spend the rest of your days in an Antarctic block of ice. This is your last chance to sing before this blog post gets ways too long and I take this recording to the police…

O.G.: Wait, wait. Maybe I do know something about the crime in question… but you’re talking to the wrong guy here.

Me: Is that so?

O.G.: Of course. You really think I would risk my Orlando operation for a small time tree reclamation project? Think about it. Who has the most to gain from taking back the trees before there’s even any presents underneath them?

Me: Why don’t you enlighten me.

O.G.: Think about it. You should be talking to one of my cousins.

Me: Your cousins?

O.G.: Sasquatch? Hello? You don’t think it bothers them, this whole tree business? Sure it doesn’t stop them chowing down on the roast beast like everybody else, but they’ve been griping about it for years. They rely on those trees you know, for landmarks and shelter , not to mention toothpicks. And we all know about their urban delivery service. See they already have the infrastructure.

Me: So you claim that sasquatches are framing the grinches? That’s absurd. Even if I accept that sasquatch is related to you, how long would it take for a Sasquatch to dye all of his fur green? By the time he got finished, he would have to start over.

O.G.: We’re done here. Talk to Sasquatch. I want my lawyer.

 

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Filed Under: Survival News Tagged With: Christmas, grinch, grinchscaping

Global Grinch Gang Grumblings: Protect Your Tree to Save the Season!

December 24, 2012 By Seth 7 Comments

Groans from a gobsmacked globe today – the Grinch is back to his greedy old tricks, grabbing your trees, decorations and gifts. Has his head come lose again? Are his shoes too tight?  No one quite knows all of the reason but read on if you want to save the whole Christmas season.

Gangs of grinches grubbing your Christmas?

The Grinchy grabs began in New York, where hundreds of Christmas trees went missing on the same day, leaving no clues except eye-witness accounts of a truck marked: Grinchscaping Inc. 

Detectives decided the green grubber had likely grown tired of grinching fully-decorated trees up the chimblies one by one and was now using a fake company in an attempt to strangle the global tree market.

His tree plot foiled, the Grinch’s next gambit was even more gruesome – and this time the stories all speak of a twosome! When Christmas decorations began disappearing in Texas, a greenish-haired lady known as “Mrs. Grinch” was arrested.

Unfortunately Mr. Grinch got away and gifts began disappearing the very next day. Reports rollling in now from far and near, California to London: the Grinch has been here! 

“It appears the Grinch is not acting alone anymore,” stated one Grinch tracker. “I don’t care what kind of creature a Grinch actually is, nobody who rides a little dog like Max can move around the globe that fast.”

Is it true? Is our globe in the grips of a Grinch gang grub-grub? What exactly is a Grinch anyway? And more importantly, how can you protect your Christmas gifts?

Well who better and more convenient to answer these important supernatural questions than me, certified Supernatural Survivologist and writer of this article.

Seth: So Seth, tell us what exactly is a Grinch and just how many of them are there around the world? 

Seth: Well Seth, first I have to admit that I have never scanned a Grinch. But just based on his general morphology, phrenology and psychology, I would guess he is maybe half-leprechaun, half-faery. I’m thinking mainly of his green skin, long, many-jointed limbs, his shrinking heart and his general love of shiny things. But I would have to scan one with the Monstrometer to be sure.

Seth: I thought the Monstrometer didn’t identify fairies yet. 

Seth: It doesn’t. Yet. I blame Graham. He’s still going to school you know.

Seth: That’s crazy. 

Seth: I know. How many university degrees do you really need to correctly identify fairies?

Seth: There are a lot of kinds of fairies. 

Seth: I know. But still.

Seth: So what can we do to protect Christmas from these Grinches? 

Seth: Well in the past, Grinches appeared to have a weakness for cute. Unfortunately, Cindy Lou Hoo grew up before anyone could weaponize her cute ray. If you think you have a cute little brother or sister, you could try parking them under the tree for the night to guard the gifts. If you don’t have that option, your best bet is still the spirits.

Seth: You mean the spirit of Christmas that will loosen the Grinch’s shoes and swell his heart? 

Seth: No, I mean the spirits! The tree spirits! The ones who roam around in the cold looking for a nice, nutritious holiday tree to inhabit, The ones who eat all your traditional candy canes and popcorn strands and baconsil and won’t kill you if you feed them enough.

Seth: Ah yes! Traditional holiday baconsil! I have to get mine up before it’s too late. 
Seth: Yes you do Seth. Because those spirits are your best protection from Grinches. Faeries are terrified of the tree spirits. If you fill your tree with fun and nutritious decorations, the spirits will keep the Grinches at bay and prevent any unwanted holiday horror.
Seth: Thanks Seth. I’ll get right on that. 
Seth: You’re welcome Seth. Thanks for keeping on.
Seth: You’re welcome Seth. Your survival is my survival. 
Seth: Yes. It really is.


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Filed Under: Survival Resources Tagged With: grinch, holiday horror, tree of life

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