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Space Fairies Have Wings Will Travel Earthlings Report

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Android or fairy, pick your Homo Optimus form for the future. 

In the future will you choose a fairy form for your space travel vacay or will you plug into your custom android rig with the gold skin snd go back to work?

If you haven’t decided yet now is the time as one famous scientist, Dr. Ian Pearson predicts this choice for you by the year 2050 in his new report on the future of earthlings.

Famous Scottish fairy specimen really a space traveller?
Famous Scottish fairy specimen really a space traveller?

Dr. Pearson established his futurism cred back in the nineties when he predicted text messaging and Google glass, among other things but today he spends his time defining the forms that we earthlings will be take in the future.

Dr. Pearson’s Homo Optimus theory predicts we will use technology to adopt super enhanced forms by 2050. Forms like this one pictured here.

So why does Doc Future think anyone not born a fae will want to  be one soon?

Homo Optimus Faetum:

Your fairy form will be tiny but will also have big advantages for space travel, according to Dr. Pearson. It is a lot easier to accommodate and transport tiny people.

“It is not frivolous to suggest that most space travellers will be rather like fairies,” he explained. “Wings would make it easy to get around in zero gravity too,’ he added.

Dr. Pearson’s space travel prescription has both fairy and alien research communities aflutter with new theories about famous specimens including this one from Scotland.

Is the Glenshee-Lyall fairy really a future earthling traveling through space? Many now believe this to be true.

But wait! Before you pick the color of your future wings, consider Dr. Pearson’s other Homo Optimus options:

Homo Optimus Androidius Maximus: 

Okay the latin may be craptaculous but you get the idea. You could move your mind into one or more android forms that feature a wearable musculo-skeletal support suit along with other enhanced technologies including gold skin to allow you direct bio-electric interface with others.

You had me at gold skin Dr. Pearson but wait! There’s more! Your new nanotech-enhanced immune system will continually monitor and optimize your wet-wear, enabling you to avoid pain along with unwanted cravings for Twinkies and Doritos, letting you work without weariness or breaks. Who needs a holiday anyway?

Still can’t decide? Don’t worry, there’s a third option for you to consider:

Boltzmann Brain: 

You could adopt the form of a Boltzmann brain,  that is a self-aware brain floating through space!

In which case a good jar may be your only problem! Don’t wait, get yours today.

And long may you keep on keeping on!

Seth

How to Summon Fairies: Lessons from the Fairy Ladies

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FAIRY LADIES OF ENGLAND SHARE SECRETS

It’s probably the 14th most frequently asked question here on SOS – Seth, how do I summon a fairy? Preferably a transit fairy so I can stop missing the bus?

I’ll admit it’s a question which I have been slow to answer. In part because I get caught up with the more pressing questions, like, how can I get a werewolf to bite me? And, is this a Seth Rogen fanzine? 

But also in part because dealing with fairies is not straightforward as it seems. Need I remind survivors that fairies are not just tiny, sparkly beings of light who grant your wishes but malevolent iron-averse shapeshifting creatures who want to drag you to a faery realm for a life of servitude?

No, finding fairies is not something I would recommend. The danger is real Survivors and before you read further I would urge you to review these warning about the dangers of trying to trap a fairy. What a relief that my campaign appears to have tamed that trend.

Lessons from the fairy ladies.
Lessons from the fairy ladies.

But if you have already read my warning here and you are still intent on summoning a benevolent fairy in flight form, who am I to judge? I myself once had a hair fairy and admittedly, it was one of the longest best hair days of my life.

(But trust me, you don’t want to hear the price…)

With that disclaimer out of the way, I now reluctantly present to you Survivors, top tips from the Fairy Ladies of England, a group of ladies who say they have cracked the fairy code to commune regularly with the fae folk.

4 FAIRY FINDING FACTS

1. Flowers Attract Fairies

Fairy lady Jeanette Gage of Sutton England (opposite) uses Larkspurs, Fuchsia and Sweetpeas but her all time favourite is much easier to cultivate: dandelions.

“When you blow on a dandelion you will see the enchanted spreading their wings on their journeys,” she reported to the Daily Mail this week.

(Of course this may also attract angry neighbours but that’s just one of the risks you take searching for fairies.)

2. Fairies Love Wind Chimes

Fairies are suckers for music and they can’t resist stopping to play a tune so get a good set of wind chimes and put it in a window or doorway. By a good set, I mean any kind that is not too heavy a fairy can’t move them with its tiny wings. Fact: fairies can hear a wind chime from up to 86 miles away. If they like yours, they will make a detour to your door.

3. Fairies Love Fountains

In this fairies are like the rest of us. They need water. In fact, fairies in flight get 30X more thirsty than humans. They plan their routes around gently running water sources like fountains, which are far less dangerous than raging rivers or waterfalls inhabited by the elves and mermish. Provide a gentle, reliable water source and chances are good you will find a flight of fairies before you know it.

Of course, if the only running water source you have is a touchy toilet, you could try this trick shared by a real fairy here on SOS. DRAGONFLY_FAIRY_HEATHER reports that a bowl of water infused with the essence of something sweet will lure a fairy like her to check it out.  Read all about Dragonfly_Fairy_Heather here.  Just make sure you change the bowl regularly or you could wind up with ants. And nobody, least of all me, wants that.

4. Twist three times and sprinkle yourself with fairy dust.

This one comes form Fairy Lady Bonnie Sullivan who discovered this trick as a child. She went into a wardrobe – i.e.: a closet if you live in North America – turned around three times and sprinkled fairy dust on herself. Then she went to the window and ajiji-majii-la-tarajii… the fairies found her.  This mother of three has lived with the fairies ever since.

Of course this won’t work if you don’t have any fairy dust or your closet is too small and/or too full for spinning around. Unfortunately SOS cannot at this time enlarge your closet space but here is a link to a report by WEREWOLF GIRL about fairy dust and where to get it.*

*Disclaimer: SOS assumes no responsibility for the quality of any magic items obtained through its pages. As there are many different providers and kinds of fairy dust, Survivors are advised to do their own research and order at their own risk.

And now I would be negligent if I did not repeat, Survivors, repeat, while I do not personally recommend it, if you must and do succeed in finding a fairy: NEVER ATTEMPT TO TRAP A FAIRY. Please review the truth about fairies here.

And keep on keeping on.

Seth

Why Are Fairies Following Professor? FBI Agent Investigates

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Fantastic fairy photos from a British professor this week prompted a former FBI agent to investigate and caused the world to wonder, why are fairies following this man?

Why are fairies following this man?
Why are fairies following this man?

When Professor John Hyatt released these images on social media, he swore to the world they were not altered in any way, shape or form. The fairies, he said, began appearing in his nature photographs snapped on long walks through Rossendale Valley.

His photos immediately attracted the attention of the supernatural world, including former FBI Agent Ben Hansen who whose own investigation concluded the appearance of these fairies could not have been an accident.

“It would be quite a coincidence that the fairies all happen to emerge in front of the camera at the precise distance needed to be in focus,” he said on his SiFy TV show.

Former Agent Hansen could not answer the question on many minds, why are fairies following this particular professor? Is he in fact posing them in front of the camera? The answers are flying on the Internet to day. SOS invites you to read a few of them and judge for yourself.

Are they posing for the professor?
Are they posing for the professor?

Historical Hoax Theory:

In this place in 1917, two girls fooled the whole world with their own photographs of fairies. For the infamous Cottingley Fairies Hoax, friends Elsie Wright and Frances Griffiths took photos of themselves frolicking with fey folk later found to be made of cardboard – but not before fooling the entire world, including some very famous people. As a result, some say, nobody would ever believe a human who claimed to have seen fairies in this spot here, making it the safest place for fairies to meet.

Fairies Want to Work With Professor Hyatt

Professor Hyatt’s work at Manchester Metropolitan University involves bringing magic into the real world to achieve healing. He denies being a wizard or magic user himself, that is his stated job description. Are the fairies trying to impart a healing message to the professor? If so, what could it be?

Professor Hyatt Is Summoning the Fairies For His Own Reasons

Although the professor used to play in a punk band, in recent times he has been caught on camera playing a number of highly suspicious instruments including this one:

Professor Hyatt plays a number of suspicious instruments.
Professor Hyatt plays a number of suspicious instruments.

Why the sudden change of heart? Many believe he is using them to call the fairies to him as part of his mysterious magical mission. Is he really summoning them with a song and making them dance? If so, is this really about healing somebody or something? Or some other mysterious personal reason?

I haven’t made up my mind yet, but two things at least are very clear to me today. One, if the Professor is summoning the fairies with magic music, he better be prepared for unexpected consequences. Fairies do not respond well to command performances. The magic they bring to him may be much more than he had in mind. If he is hoping to hijack a tooth fairy, for instance, he could wake up tomorrow with a mouth full of fairy dust – and nothing else. True story. Happens all the time.

Two, readers are cautioned to not make the mistake of many Internet entomologists today. Fairies do not take kindly to being called bugs. Or insects. Unless you want to spend your summer swatting swarms of mosquitoes cursed on you by an festering fey, do like me and just keep that idea to yourself.

Catching Fairies in a Jar Dangerous Trend

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Fairy In A JarThis week a dangerous new trend is lighting up the world – catching fairies in a jar. Who is doing this and how and why?

It may seem fun to catch a travelling fairy and keep it in a jar but if you or someone you love is planning to engage in this dangerous new hobby, stop and read this first. Your very survival depends on it!

You may have seen it going around, fairy trap making instructions that describe how to bait a clear glass jar  with the contents of a broken glow stick and bits of coloured paper to simulate fairy dust, before strategically placing the jar in the branches of trees in high traffic fairy areas. The idea here being that fairies, like birds and insects and other flying beasts and beings, have difficulty detecting the presence of glass at high speed.

“If you have positioned the baited jar just right, in the middle of a known fairy chemin {fairy highway} the jar will light up when a fairy flies in it. This is your signal to place the lid and screw it tight,” reads one dangerous website before going on to describe fun party games you can play with a fairy in a jar, games like Shake the Fairy and Make a Wish. Games that are just so wrong on so many levels.

How many levels? Well start with three:

LEVEL ONE WRONGNESS OF FAIRY JARS: 

Shaking a fairy in a jar might seem like a fun little personal light show to you but think about it from the fairy’s point of view. You have just trapped her/him in travel form, a form that looks like a pretty streak or ball of light to you and fits easily into your jar now, but which must be maintained by sustained unidirectional motion. By shaking your fairy, you are making her dizzy and very possibly sick to her stomach, which in turn makes it difficult if not impossible for her to maintain light travel form. Plus, it’s a little known fact that while fairies don’t really eat per sey, they are world-famous vomiters.

And if your fairy can’t maintain travel form, then what happens? Well for starters:

LEVEL TWO WRONGNESS:

What makes you think all fairies will fit comfortably in your little jar anyway? Sure, in motion, they all look like a pretty ball of light or will-o-wisp or whatever but that’s where the similarities end. Have you ever seen a tooth fairy at work, for instance? If you have, then you know what I’m talking about. Do you really want an angry tooth fairy  who didn’t make his quota that day because you trapped him in a tiny jar without even a single air hole poked in the lid? Which brings me to….

LEVEL THREE WRONGNESS: 

After you stuff a busy fairy into a jar with no lid and shake her around for a few hours, do you really think she is going to grant you a magic food stick that makes every kind of food appear on it? Why? Just because you opened the lid and offered to let him out? Really?

Even if you can convince the fairy you weren’t the one who trapped her in the jar, that you’re just the helpy bystander to let her out – which you probably can’t because that fairy is going to be mad – but even if you could, think about it. Fairies are not omniscient or omnipotent beings. Each fairy has their particular area of specialization. What makes you think you have captured the right fairy for your wish? You could have a delayed a simple Parking Fairy in that jar. Or the even lesser known, Lost Sock Fairy. Point is, he or she probably can’t give you millions of dollars — even if he wanted to. Which this fairy most assuredly does not want to do because you trapped him in a jar, remember?

Which brings us to…

WRONGNESS LEVEL FOUR: 

Ever trap a bee in a Coke bottle, shake it up and then let it go? If you have then you know what I’m talking about. Now multiply that by a thousand times and add some fairy magic. What do you get? Bad hair for life. Missing socks. A stem where your legs used to be. Not a party, let’s just be clear.

SOS Alert: Fairy Home Invasions as Magic Leaves Forest

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SOS alert to California residents today, a rash of fairy home invasions is terrorizing tree dwelling supernaturals.  Survivors are being advised double lock their doors and remain on magenta alert until further notice. But why are the fairy doors appearing?

An SOS alert in progress…

Who is behind this terrible fairy home invasion?
Who is behind a rash of fairy home invasions in California?

Fairy doors, normally invisible to the human eye, are usually left open like the one above. It’s well known that fairies can’t handle iron, which rules out most effective locking mechanisms. So generally speaking most fae folk prefer to rely on magic invisibility and protection spells and to obscure the doors to their homes.

What’s going wrong in California? Who is exposing the fairy doors and robbing their tree lairs?

Werewolves are outraged as some forest area residents have begun to blame warring werewolf clans for the damage. Werewolf war correspondent Katie aka Rainsong reports that rival werewolf gangs are terrorizing the forest. Read about the war in the Saphire Forest here.

But werewolf leader Firefang calls this theory preposterous.

“Y blame werewolves I mean we can’t open doors with paws and why would we mess with faries?” writes Firefang.

But half-werewolf  Wolf Boy has a different theory. Wolf boy, who is exactly 50% werewolf, lives on the edge of this magic forest and knows it well. He says the forest appears to be losing its magic.  He believes somebody is draining all the magic from the forest.

But who is draining the magic from this forest and why? Stay tuned as we keep trying to get to the bottom of this.

doorgone2

Saved by Elves: Icelandic MP Wanted for Elfnapping

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An Icelandic member of parliament who claims some beautiful elves saved his life, is now wanted for elfnapping in the third degree by Álfaskólinn, the Icelandic School for Elves.

Árni Johnsen says his life was saved by an elf stone in 2010, when a terrible accident completely destroyed his car but left him completely unharmed.

The first thing Arni saw when he got out of the smashed car was a very large, mysterious boulder by the side of the road. Arni instantly fell in love with the rock.

An SOS 99.98% truer-than-true story: 

Arni Johnsen fell in love with the elves in this rock.

For months after the crash, Arni would not leave the rock alone.  His friends and neighbors debated what do do. He talked to the rock. He ate with the rock. He slept with the rock.

Finally on the advice of a friend, Arni consulted with television personality Ragnhildur Johnsdottir, a so-called elf expert who advised  Arni that the magic rock contained three generations of beautiful elves living inside it and that maybe he should just take them all home with him. And maybe have a shower already. 

But Magnus Skarphedinsson, principal of the Icelandic School For Elves, says this is the worst advice Arni could have ever received. Read on!

Helpy Elf Tip: Did you know that elves like honey?

Well neither did I. But Arni Johnsen kept the elves quiet during the long journey on the truck by feeding them scoops of honey and providing a bed of sheep skin.

Arni Johnsen says he fell in love with the elves who saved him.

 

As principal of the Icelandic Elf School in the capital city of Reykjavik  Magnus’ job is to accumulate all knowledge about the 13 different kinds of elves and other hidden people who call Iceland home. Magnus says that moving an Elf Stone is one of the worst things you can do.

Magnus says that disrupting an elf settlement usually results in mysterious accidents and unexplained bad luck for the mover and his entire family and possibly his neighbors and friends.

Unfortunately, Magnus failed to convince his rock-loving friend Arni, who proceeded to move the Elf Stone to his home anyway.

He did take the advice of  his friend Ragnihildur though, who told Arni to position the rock on open grass with the flat side of the rock toward the sun, so they can graze their tiny elf sheep.

Only time will tell who is right on this one. I’ll follow up with Arni in a few months.

Until then, remember BE NICE TO BIG ROCKS just in case. I’m not saying you have to hug them and adopt them and talk to them like Arni did.

Just be a little careful how you sit on them and maybe a little, “thank-you” when you go. You never know, it could save your life one day!