Demons

Are you like me facing a vehicular exorcism bill of $329.48 after having your car jacked by a demon this week? There may be good news for you – Pastor Bob is having a Skype sale on exorcisms.

The D-Team of Arizona Pastor Bob Larson and his hot demon fighting daughters will now perform their exorcism services online for a full $300 cheaper via Skype. But will it really be effective?

When Pastor Bob announced back in September that years of karate training combined with holy relic handling and hot hairstyling  had finally prepared his daughter Brynne and her two friends to offer personalized exorcism services for approximately 329.00 plus transportation, all I could say was, sign me up!

Never mind that I wasn’t even possessed. $329 dollars to have three fit 18 year-olds perform karate moves over you in bed? Okay yeah, daddy Pastor Bob would theoretically be there too… but still. Possessed or not, it just seemed like the kind of exorcism anyone would enjoy.

But that was before the whole possessed vehicles thing this week. Like many supernatural survivologists, I rely on my vehicle for my mission – not to mention my day job. Which in my case is more like a night job but anyway the point is, I can’t have infernal beings jacking my ride while I do a delivery. Demons are infernally hard on vehicles – by the time you recover the vehicle and have it properly exorcised – assuming you can do – at that point would really want to repossess it? Between the sulfer dioxins and the souls trapped in the trunk, your vehicle is probably going to be a write off.  Except that you won’t be able to write it off because vehicle insurance rarely if ever covers demonic possession.

No, I take my exorcisms more seriously now. So when Pastor Bob announced he was offering a Skype sale on long-distance soul repo services last week – as low as $30.00 –  like many I was skeptical. As the International Association of Exorcists pointed out many times in the media, even if you could get the possessed person or car or whatever to stay wholly in frame long enough to repossess it, there’s absolutely no scientific evidence the holy spirit can be transmitted in this way.

I mean, think of the traditional holy relics. They were devised in a time when pigeons were still a viable way to call 9-1-1, long before Google or Gorilla Glass. How many vials of holy water would it take to send some sacred soul suds from Pastor Bob’s webcam to yours?

Now Pastor Bob insists it’s all in the eyes and a good solid cross but again, back to my possessed car problem. Is Pastor Bob going to look into the headlights? And does he really expect me to hold my phone steady in front of it? And let’s face it, possessions are noisy. I can’t get that kind of sound on my phone, even if Pastor Bob and his daughters have reliable headsets. How are they going to talk to the demon in my car? And how does demon-fighting karate work via Skype?

 Sure the whole procedure is $300.00 cheaper and that’s a big plus but without the Charlies Angels’ karate moves in person, it isn’t going to be nearly as fun either.

So until Pastor Bob and his team accepts my challenge to answer these questions, I urge all survivors to do like me – save your money and take some simple precautionary measures to protect your vehicle and your soul starting with these:

1. Have a good solid soul.

Possessing your own soul is always easier than RE-possessing it. So if you still have a soul, hang onto it. Don’t sell. Not even for pop stardom, athletic fame or gold. When the bill comes due, nine times out of ten, it won’t have been worth it. Just ask Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds or Lady Gaga.

Er okay maybe not the best examples but you see my point. (This equally applies to the souls your unborn children.)

If you’re unsure about the status of your soul, remember that sometimes just acting as IF you still have a soul can foster the growth of a secondary soul that is often equally effective at deterring demons.

2. Hang with some heavenly hosts.

I’m not saying you have to fly with the angels. Even if that were possible, it would actually be counter productive since those guys are all looking for a good demon-fight, all the time. No, I’m talking about the cherubim, seraphim, tharsisim or even the gargoyles who are more approachable because they spend most of their time in human form and they know who to call on when a demon fight breaks out.

3. Have holy relics handy. 

Hang an appropriate holy relic from your neck and your rearview, I don’t care if it’s a rune, a cross or a gargoyle named Gary, like mine. Just have it handy at all times. You don’t have to know karate to make things hard for a demon. Look like you mean business and a demon will pick on the yawning guy at the other end of the bus.

An SOS traffic advisory this week, Code Red with flames, after an alarming increase in the number of demonic vehicle deaths reported around the world.

This infernal motorcycle from Mumbai, India was found abandoned on the side of Mahul Road following one of the worst traffic days on record. While demonologist and accident specialists are still investigating the situation, statisticians note that Mumbai’s traffic fatalities rate is one of the worst in the world.

It’s too early to say if the demon in question was responsible for the hellacious traffic that day or a victim of it along with everyone else.

No demon has come forward to claim the bike yet, however several demonic bike mechanics have offered to fix the machine and sell it on EBay.

Meanwhile from Singapore, another shocking traffic revelation. While it has long been observed that demons prefer the speed and versatility of their bikes, a new kind of demon appears to be going big.

This demonic tanker truck was spotted in Singapore. While difficult to tell the scale by this photo, it is the roughly the size of a fuel truck.

Forensic analysis on the bone tank have revealed a persistent hydrogen sulfide residue, confirming its status as a means of demonic transportation built in the underworld.

The truck has been quarantined in Singapore for safety as touching a demonic vehicle = instant death.

Meanwhile this supernatural traffic advisory is reminding survivors that while these vehicles look pretty cool, they are deadly. If you see one by the side of the road, or anywhere else for that matter, under no circumstances should you approach. Even with a gas mask and proper gloves, the hydrogen sulfide will get you.

And if the hydrogen sulfide doesn’t get you, the demon who owns the vehicle very likely will. See, demons have no respect for traffic laws and this applies to parking. When they leave a vehicle, they expect it to be there when they return. They don’t care that it’s causing other beings to drop dead around it.

Don’t let one of those beings be you! If you see a demon vehicle, alert the site and we’ll send an expert to the scene.