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Stupid About Cupid Five Myths About the V-Day Demon

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Can you spot a Cupid before you wake up in a Las Vegas hotel with a strange band on your hand and a sinking sense of doom?

Today this supernaturally important question faces us all. Love and its consequences remains  among the most supernaturally mysterious survivillogical forces at work in our universe.  Read on and you may yet survive the V-Day demons who will be out in full force tonight.

Cupids of antiquity
Cupids of antiquity

Or don’t. But don’t email me when you wake up in Vegas married to a giant rock who looked like an elf last night or worse, a zombie stripper who removed much more than clothing.

Learn how to identify a modern Cupid before its too late. Hint: if you are still looking for a naked kid or a dude in an adult diaper, then you have fallen for the five myths about Cupid.

5 Myths About Cupid  

Myth #1: Cupid Flies Around Naked

Let’s get this out of the way. A modern Cupid is not going to make his or her quota from a jail cell facing indecent exposure charges. They know this and take pains to appear dressed at all times. Now we can argue about how dressed they really are, but that would be a waste of time. They have the ability to appear fully clothed and that’s the point.

So how dressed do they like to appear?

Here’s the thing about Cupids. As minor angelic and/or demonic beings – See Myth #4 – they can generate the appearance of whatever clothing they can imagine. So how they dress depends on what they feel like imagining. Most Cupids are pretty flashy dressers who like to change it up a lot so look out for multiple suspicious wardrobe changes and clothes that are just slightly different every time they appear.

And yes, if you do happen to catch a Cupid generating a new outfit, you might inadvertently see some parts you didn’t expect. Like wings and deadly claws, among other things. If this happens, don’t even think about hanging around to see what happens next. You don’t want to know.

The First Cupid Camera
The First Cupid Camera

Myth #2: Cupid is Armed With a Bow and Arrow

Okay yes, Cupids of antiquity were indeed armed with bows and arrows but that’s only because they had a deeper appreciation for metaphor and no other options. Modern Cupids swapped their bows for cameras over a hundred years ago and of course, today’s little demon is digital just like everyone else and has added a computer.

Yes the modern Cupid is a paranormal paparrazo hunting you with his Cupid Camera, not a bow and arrow. Their game is to get you in frame with the love object they have selected for you and then CLICK – say goodbye to your sense and sensibility, at least until you can delete that image at the source.

Myth #3: Cupid Is Blind

Another poetic interpretation. Let’s get this straight. LOVE is blind. Cupid just likes dark sunglasses. For obvious reasons. He doesn’t like to project where he’s looking and who he’s sneaking up on.

Myth #4: Cupid is a Minor Deity

That’s what she wants you to think but trust me, Cupid is no goddess of love.

So what is he? A little demonic dude cursed to the task of germinating  terrible relationships for the amusement of the underworld OR a minor angelic being who has to hook up enough humans to atone for the amorous sins he committed during his time on earth?

The answer here, we now know, is either, or… BOTH. So how do you know which kind of Cupid has you in his or her sights?

The answer is, you don’t. Supernatural survivologists of old used to warn lovers about gold arrows vs. lead arrows and white wings vs. black, but the truth we now know is there are no hard and fast rules. Play it safe and assume there’s probably at least one of both kinds, competing for who will get you first.

Myth #5: There Is Only One Cupid

See the deity myth, above. There can be and there is more than one. There are whole choirs of Cupids, corps of Cupids. More and more all the time. They’re a small but important part of the eternal war for Heaven and Earth. Think of them as underground foot soldiers for the soft war games that enable the higher ups to plan the bigger stuff.

So now you know how to spot a modern Cupid, good luck on V-Day, survivors. Try to stay off Cupid’s Camera – or not, depending on your situation – and remember this one tip if nothing else – Cupids love honey but they hate bees. Keep a fake bee in your pocket and be prepared to throw it when the Cupid Camera appears.

Get the facts about valentines day. From the true werewolf roots of Valentine’s Day to stalker killer survival and the real reason we give Valentines, your survival this full moon depends on it.

Krampus Komming Tonight!

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Krampusnacht Survival 

Are you ready to face Krampus? The most feared Christmas cryptid comes armed with birch whips and bathtubs to drag you down the nearest hellevator shaft tonight. So unless you’ve confirmed your name on the official not-naughty list, read on.

An SOS red and green alert.

Cramps comes tonight!
Krampus comes tonight!

Mark it on your survival calendar, for the next two nights Krampuses will break their chains to roam free on the streets, armed with birch whips and bags – or believe it or not bathtubs –  on their backs to drag down the naughty.

So unless you’ve been 100% not-naughty – and who among us can claim that? –  don’t be caught unawares! Prepare your anti-Krampus kit, stat!

A brief review for those not in the know. Old Krampus is St. Nick’s sidekick, the original keeper of the naughty list. A demonic dude of the genus gargoylious,  some say Krampus is the progenitor of all grinches. Others that he – or she – is the leader of a certain coven of nasty witches who rule the darkest hours of the year.

Whatever his taxonomy, defending against Krampus is a little more complicated than swapping your sweater to foil that crazy Icelandic Yule Cat… but seriously don’t forget to do that either… that Icelandic Yule Cat is coming too…

Complicated but luckily not impossible if you like me, have prepared your Krampusnacht Survival Kit.

Krampusnacht Survival Kit

1. Letter of Good Service from St. Nick

It’s not foolproof but if you have one handy, a letter of service from St. Nicholas will stop any Krampus in his tracks. The letter should highlight a few of the not-naughtiest deeds you performed this year.

But you say, Seth, I don’t have such a letter! Don’t despair. Even if you didn’t have the foresight to request one from St. Nick in advance, you can still prepare one in time. In fact, tonight it’s easier than any time of the year, with many St. Nick emergency certification services online waiting to sign your reprieve.

Of course to use these services you’ll need to prepare you own letter, truthfully outlining your outstanding moments from the past year and send it in for St. Nick certification. Beat the rush! Aim for at least three examples of exemplary behaviour and send yours in immediately. Even the naughtiest among us can find at least three magic moments of good enoughness in any given year.

If not, well, then, you’ll probably enjoy your time hanging with the Krampii anyway.

2. Pack a Pistol of Distilled Spirit Water

Get out that water gun – or better yet cannon – and fill it full of spirit water, preferably one that is fruit based.

Different than holy water, spirit water comes from many sources. Now some supernatural survivalists will try to tell you the best source is a certain glacier or spring in a far flung place but when it comes to old Krampus, the easiest and cheapest way is to just make your own spirit water. Mash a rotten fruit into some dilute rubbing alcohol and fill your cannon. Then stand back and aim carefully because each hit will send up a tower of flames.

And don’t be fooled by anyone who tells you schnapps is is the best ammo. This is a rumour from the Krampus PR team who know how much their client loves a tasty alcoholic shot in the mouth. Sure it’s effective stopping a Krampus in his tracks, but it’s expensive and when it runs out you’re still in trouble. So take it from me, save your pennies and raid the back of the fridge for a fermenting fruit instead.

3. Carol That Krampus, Quick!

There’s a reason in the season for those obsequious carols playing all around you. That’s right, those traditional songs have the power to keep traditional spirits like Krampus at bay.

While the number one anti-Krampus carol remains unknown at this time, I do know this much. Any old stand-by delivered full force, preferably by more than one singer and ideally more than a little off-key can cripple a Krampus temporarily at least. Long enough for you to get away.

In many countries of the world, Krampus cards were issued to remind you of the right words to sing but today you’ll have to rely on your own devices. So think of the most annoying Christmas carol you know and download it before you hit the road tonight!

Then be sure to keep on keeping on Survivors, because in our darkest hour, survival is ultimately a supernatural business.

Seth

Demon Star Lights Halloween Night All About the Algol

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Prepare for the Demons of Algol Guided by Demon Star

Add this now to your supernatural safety plan, prepare for the Demons of Algol out in full force  tonight, guided by the strange pulsing light of their star.

Learn all about the Algol
Learn all about the Algol

But Seth,  you say, for survival sake it’s too late to add to your Halloween checklist. You already reviewed and implemented your most effective supernatural disguise by now.  You already took these demon fighting tips from the Tower of London. Perhaps you even took this Halloween advice from the Vatican.

But if so, then you owe it to your supernatural self preservation to take a minute to learn about the Algol the pulsing Demon Star and to imagine the entities it guides as they will be out in full force this fine Halloween.

All About the Algol*

  1. The Demons’ Head

Algol is actually 2.85 star system of one bright star and two dimmer ones who rotate around the big one, causing its light to “pulse.” Imagine a lighthouse for demons and you get the general idea.

Ancient Egyptians saw how bad luck followed this pulsing pattern of light every 2.85 days and named it Algol, the Demon’s Head.

2.  One Demon, One Ghoul and a Severed Head

That’s what you’ll see. Hopefully long before they see you. That’s right, 2.85 demonic entities, on the prowl this Halloween night.

But what if you don’t spot them in time? What if they see you first?

It’s very possible. Probable even given the number of eyes involved here with a severed Gorgon head. But fear not!

Actually scratch that, fear enough, but don’t let your fear overwhelm your survival knowledge and using it to fight back.

3. Identify and Defeat the Smart One First

Only one is the real Algol, the real demons’ head.  The others are just a distraction  – one, a ghoul soulbound to  leader and the other literally a severed head. You must identify the leader immediately. Defeat the leader first and his entities fall too.

Now this won’t be easy. Afterall, not like the Algol will be wearing a name tag. (Exception: the demon baristas who work at Starbucks.) And the Algol knows how to fool you. You might think the Algol is the bigger one, the louder one, the better-looking one, the manlier one, for example. But the Algol loves to play with your mind so beware. The real leader here could be the little, funny-looker with the thin whiny voice.

(That said, you can safely check the severed head off your list. A body is still required equipment for leadership.)

No there’s only one real way to identify the Algol – a radiation meter. That’s right, the Algol demon will be the one emitting the most radiation, pure and simple so if you don’t have one on your device yet, better download one before you go out.

You say you don’t have access to a reliable geiger counter app? No problem. Just download The Monstrometer instead. It too will point to the Algol, 99.98% of the time under optimum conditions.

Algol active on Halloween Night
Algol activity on Halloween Night

4. Radiation-Proof Weapon & Shield

Improvisation is key here but in general we’re talking some combination of lead and/or tungsten and/or salt water here. Little known fact – even plastic will do in a pinch. In fact when it comes to neutron radiation, plastic is preferable. Bonus survival points if the plastic happens to be wet or capable of shooting some kind of saltine liquid – holy water gun anyone?

Whatever it takes to hold them off until dawn when the Algol’s power will need almost three days to recharge, ( 2.85 to be exact).

4. Keep Your Head 

Yes it’s hard to keep your head with demons around you are throwing theirs but somehow you have to remain calm and keep on keeping on. When that head comes rolling toward you like an infernal bowling ball, don’t turn and run, face it head on – pun intended! In fact, get a hold of the head if you can, it will make just as good a weapon for you as it did for Perseus.

*ALL here meaning all information contained within this report SOS supernaturally certified 99,98% true and accurate and may not be interpreted as ALL information in the known universe in relation to the Algol. For further information SOS recommends Wikipedia or Earthsky News….

Due Diligence For Your Diabolical Defences

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Lessons from London Tower for your Halloween kit

Halloween heads up from UK survivor this week, Agent RB, your All Hallows plan must go far beyond – and far below! – that effective weather-proof disguise and colossal candy collection contraption!

Indeed, if your checklist doesn’t include a detailed inspection of your first line diabolical defences, no amount of zombie makeup or stale chocolate can help you survive even a dust-up with a dervish.

Now as with all things supernaturally survivilogical there are no hard and fast rules, only ancient principals and old lessons that stand the test of time.

This supernatural life lesson comes from the roof of London Tower, where a series of symbols scratched into the wood reveals how residents there fought away demons in the mid-16th and earlier 18th centuries using the following knowledge:

Shape used to trap demons in medieval times.
Shape used to trap demons in medieval times.

1. Demons can only follow straight lines

It’s what makes them so infernally good at chess but on the bright side this also means you can trap a demon within a circle like this —>>

The London Tower roof has several trefoils like this one, designed to lure demons into the spirals and drive them insane.

For added efficacy, note how this Triskele shape also uses the number 3. Demons, as you know, hate the number three.

2. Demons like the number 6

Ever hear of a demon who didn’t like a hex? That’s why several ‘hexfoil’ symbols –  six “kissing” or overlapping circles – was scratched into the roof of London Tower.

You can make your own hexfoil at home using a compass or tracing the lid of a jar.

3. Demons fear nets

Know any religions that like fishing? Turns out it’s more than relaxation. A mesh net can catch a demon and prevent it from entering a building.

On Halloween, use fake cobwebs to make nets over the corners of the windows and doors to your domain and you’ll remain 99.98% demon free, guaranteed.

4. Demons are no good at anatomy. 

The good news here? You can easily fool a demon into thinking he’s too late to claim you…cause you’re already dead! All you need is a fake skeleton. The London Tower demon duellers made their fake skeletons from cow, sheep and rabbit bones, but today probably easier to pick up a pre-made pack of polystyrene bones.

Don’t forget to assemble your skeleton in a strategic location, that is any place where it can be mistaken by demons for you personally.

Knowledge is power Survivor! Now you know the London Tower Lessons, you can’t pretend that you don’t! Use them on this Halloween and your survival is virtually guaranteed.

And many thanks to AGENT RB for his email alerting SOS to this supernatural situation.

Town Terrorized By Tarantulas Unleashed By Spider Girl

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Spider Girl Wanted By World For Questioning After Tarantulas Take Over Town

As a tide of 25,000+ tarantulas takes over an Australian community today the world seeks the so-called Spider Girl to explain why she would try to make an entire town vomit.
SophieHarrisonSpiderGirl

The town of Maningrida, Australia has reportedly been taken over by a new type of tarantula after it was first introduced to the world by this PhD student student Sophie Harrison AKA Spider Girl.

Her strange new tarantula can’t kill you but will make you vomit for an entire day.

Now the world wants to know, is Spider Girl the source of this strange new vomit-inducing vermin and if so, why would she unleash it on the world?

Maningrida is a village in Australia’s Northern Territory, home to some 2,000 aboriginal inhabitants who know well the creationary powers of their land as “the place where the Dreaming changed shape.”

So naturally they took it in stride earlier this month when University of Adelaide student Sophie Harrison produced a strange new tarantula from the bottom of a deep pit and introduced it to the world.

Now a few short weeks later after the town has reportedly been taken over by her spiders the world wants an explanation.

“Did the town offend her in some way? Did she get a bad lunch for example? Or is this just some college kid’s idea of a sick joke?” speculates one supernatural survivalist who is so not just me quoting myself yet again.

“If so, it’s pretty good. As far as sick jokes go, vomiting almost always works. And top marks for creativity and execution here. She really does look innocent in this photo.

Not to mention her PhD thesis is a virtual slam dunk at this point.”

Other, crustier but more responsible medical officials however, have issued a warning that this is no joke.

“Vomiting causes dehydration that can lead to seizures and even death.”

And the Australian government says to tell any and all supernatural tourists planning to pull a copycat gag to just stay home.

“The Dreaming soil of Maningrida is sacred to the Kunibídji people and they don’t take kindly to outsiders thinking they can just show up and use it to create new species on a whim.”

(Trust me. You don’t want to try it. They still haven’t forgiven Darwin. See what I mean?)

Survivors with any further info about the Spider Girl or how to stop her emetic arachnids before the whole world loses its lunch, please contact the site asap.

And as always, long may you keep on keeping on.

Gargoyles Escape Locked Basement Still At Large

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SOS RED ALERT: GARGOYLES AT LARGE, DEEMED DANGEROUS…

Gargoyles at large in Worcester, Mass. USA
Gargoyles at large in Worcester, Mass. USA

Eight giant gargoyles reportedly escaped from a basement prison in Worcester, Massachusetts in the dark of the Tetrad Moon.

Survivors should be on the lookout for these gargantuan gargoyles, which are over 100 years old, stand 6 feet tall and weigh over 3000 pounds each.

Church official Debra Packard says the gargoyles were securely locked in a nearby basement facility for the safety of the town and were reported missing on the full moon.

Heeding an urgent radio call in the middle of the night last night, SOS’s Seth Greening temporarily suspended the site’s full moon party to launch an immediate investigation.

“Given the fact these gargoyles escaped at the height of the blood moon and the disturbing reports here on SOS pointing to the possibility of a new demon portal open here on Earth, I knew that survivors would understand a delay in the Hall of Famer announcement and immediately went to investigate.”

After inspecting the gargoyles basement prison, Seth confirmed the gargoyles were properly locked away at the time of their disappearance.

“Their heads were properly dismounted and secured in separate boxes, locked in a basement facility with no windows on the top of a hill,” he says. “This indicates clearly the gargoyles had outside help.”

But what kind of outside help?

The town locals suspect a group of human bankers with a plan to control the gargoyles’  power for their own ends.

“Not a bad theory. With the exception of pop stars, bankers are among the most likely humans to seek shady deals with the underworlds,” said Seth, adding that he is personally suspicious of a group calling itself The Protectors who have recently identified themselves to the site.

Until the plot can be unravelled and the gargoyles recaptured Seth alerts survivors everywhere to be on the lookout for gargoyles behaving suspiciously.

“Which is to say, behaving, like any way other than like a statue,” he elaborated.

Seth warns this is not as easy as it sounds, as gargoyles regain human form almost immediately once liberated from their stony stupors, and a  gargoyle in human form is not as easy to identify as one stuck on the outside of a church or government building.

“Some of them can shift in and out of statue form in an instant,” says Seth. “But look for the telltale rock-like cracks in their gray human skin, the stony look in their eyes and any humans who remain supernaturally heavy despite having an outwardly lean and hungry appearance.”

Seth says to immediately suspicious of stone gargoyles that are appear oddly placed. I’m talking about modern settings, like food courts or on public transit.

Survivors with any info that could lead to the re-capture of the gargoyles, or about their overall plan are urged to contact the site immediately.

And to keep on keeping on for the SOS Hall of Famer to be revealed without further ado, later today.