TOP 3 BFZ SURVIVAL TIPS
Batten the hatches Survivors, it’s Black Friday. Are you ready for the Mallocalypse?
If you haven’t barricaded yourself in the basement with some leftover bird, take a minute to review your Black Friday Zombie (BFZ) survival skills. Remember these three tips today and in the seasonal shopping crush to come survivors, and your Black Friday survival is virtually guaranteed, 99.98%.
Often referred to as a BFZ or a Mally, the Black Friday Zombie is a unique strain of zombie, characterized by a tendency to move as a single-minded horde. It is this tendency which sets them apart from other zombies.
Now I know all zombies have a tendency to group but this is normally a function of numbers and random clotting that can arise from the simple-minded pursuit of fresh brains within a given space.
What makes the BFZ move as one of a mindless horde is still largely unstudied but most scientists suspect the effect of certain seasonal media signals on the virus could be causing otherwise bumbling brain-brunchers to go mad with a single purpose. Understanding this movement can make dealing with a Mally both easier in some ways and harder in others.
1. Bright Lights and Melodious Sound
Not unlike moths at night, the BFZ is uniquely prone to patterns of light and sound. This tendency gives rise to many myths about zombies in general but use this to your advantage today by equipping a lightweight, LED weapon and a noise making device like a bell or kazoo to lure the horde to an strategic location.
Note on bagpipes: Only work on Scottish BFZs.
2. Strategic Location
Obviously I don’t have to remind you to know your local mall here and to work with the geography you have. Luckily most malls have a water attraction or similar art installation that can at least provide you with a height advantage over the advancing horde. Wade to the middle of that fountain and/or climb up on the reindeer’s back. If the Christmas tree is up already, consider climbing that. Just make sure it has a secure base first.
3. Buy Time With Boxes
Another particular quirk of the BFZ – boxes. Like leprechauns with a shoe or a cat with a ball of catnip, the BFZ is easily distracted by a simple box. It won’t stop them forever but a well-aimed spray of empty boxes at a BFZ horde should distract them long enough for you to make a clean getaway.
Of course if you don’t have a humane box cannon, or an ornate Christmas display at your mall you will have to equip these yourself. Shoe boxes in particular are very effective if unwieldy. Smaller, more colourful boxes are more practical both for equipping and aiming but are admittedly more expensive. Of course if you’ve staked out the mall tree or Santa’s sleigh as your home base, you may find a cache of ready ammo ready for you. Not to mention that sleigh may in fact be mobile and you could ride it right out the door.
That’s all for today Survivors. Keep on keeping on in this dark holiday season and be sure to do your Christmas zombie review before it’s too late.
Seth