Cannibal critics say celebrity salami is grisly and gross!
Cannibal meat company Bitelabs defends its line celebrity sausages made from celebs like Kanye West and Jennifer Lawrence as a form of ethical meat to be celebrated and savoured by all, but critics continue to call it a faux food replacement product, and much less tasty than the stars themselves.
“A charming and confident flavor profile, the JLaw salami is coarse ground in a rustic style, smoothed with notes of honey, and spiced with orange zest and ginger,” Bitelabs states on its website. “Always surprising, this salami will never fail to entertain.
This meaty news took the Internet by storm this week, with cannibal critics callling it grisly and gross.
“They want to blend Ellen Degeneres with ostrich! Are they insane?” asks one artisanal meat maker. “Ostrich is a tough and stringy meat and should never be blended with a talk show hostess with less booty than Tyra Banks.”
But Bitelabs says their special process helps them make curated sausage blends that are simultaneously even more ethical and delicious than the real celebrities on whose cells their salami relies.
“Starting with biopsied myoblast cells, we grow our healthy, rich, meats in Bite Labs’ own bioreactors,” Biolab states. “Our process yields high-quality, luxury protein, in a sustainable manner that eliminates the environmental and ethical concerns associated with traditional livestock production.”
But cannibal company critics insist any product that starts with celebrity cells can never be classified as real food, let alone healthy or rich.
“I would not, could not eat James Franco ham,” said one feisty female foody. “Not in a box with a fox nor in a house with a mouse…
“Not to say I wouldn’t like a taste of James Franco himself. He is pretty tasty after all,” she added, licking her lips.
Is this the biggest cannibal scandal since the suspicious supplements seizure of ’13? Or the best thing in meat manufacturing since sliced Spam?
That’s for you to decide survivors! In any event, keep on keeping on, live long and strong!