Can you spot a Cupid before you wake up in a Las Vegas hotel with a strange band on your hand and a sinking sense of doom?
Today this supernaturally important question faces us all. Love and its consequences remains among the most supernaturally mysterious survivillogical forces at work in our universe. Read on and you may yet survive the V-Day demons who will be out in full force tonight.
Or don’t. But don’t email me when you wake up in Vegas married to a giant rock who looked like an elf last night or worse, a zombie stripper who removed much more than clothing.
Learn how to identify a modern Cupid before its too late. Hint: if you are still looking for a naked kid or a dude in an adult diaper, then you have fallen for the five myths about Cupid.
5 Myths About Cupid
Myth #1: Cupid Flies Around Naked
Let’s get this out of the way. A modern Cupid is not going to make his or her quota from a jail cell facing indecent exposure charges. They know this and take pains to appear dressed at all times. Now we can argue about how dressed they really are, but that would be a waste of time. They have the ability to appear fully clothed and that’s the point.
So how dressed do they like to appear?
Here’s the thing about Cupids. As minor angelic and/or demonic beings – See Myth #4 – they can generate the appearance of whatever clothing they can imagine. So how they dress depends on what they feel like imagining. Most Cupids are pretty flashy dressers who like to change it up a lot so look out for multiple suspicious wardrobe changes and clothes that are just slightly different every time they appear.
And yes, if you do happen to catch a Cupid generating a new outfit, you might inadvertently see some parts you didn’t expect. Like wings and deadly claws, among other things. If this happens, don’t even think about hanging around to see what happens next. You don’t want to know.
Myth #2: Cupid is Armed With a Bow and Arrow
Okay yes, Cupids of antiquity were indeed armed with bows and arrows but that’s only because they had a deeper appreciation for metaphor and no other options. Modern Cupids swapped their bows for cameras over a hundred years ago and of course, today’s little demon is digital just like everyone else and has added a computer.
Yes the modern Cupid is a paranormal paparrazo hunting you with his Cupid Camera, not a bow and arrow. Their game is to get you in frame with the love object they have selected for you and then CLICK – say goodbye to your sense and sensibility, at least until you can delete that image at the source.
Myth #3: Cupid Is Blind
Another poetic interpretation. Let’s get this straight. LOVE is blind. Cupid just likes dark sunglasses. For obvious reasons. He doesn’t like to project where he’s looking and who he’s sneaking up on.
Myth #4: Cupid is a Minor Deity
That’s what she wants you to think but trust me, Cupid is no goddess of love.
So what is he? A little demonic dude cursed to the task of germinating terrible relationships for the amusement of the underworld OR a minor angelic being who has to hook up enough humans to atone for the amorous sins he committed during his time on earth?
The answer here, we now know, is either, or… BOTH. So how do you know which kind of Cupid has you in his or her sights?
The answer is, you don’t. Supernatural survivologists of old used to warn lovers about gold arrows vs. lead arrows and white wings vs. black, but the truth we now know is there are no hard and fast rules. Play it safe and assume there’s probably at least one of both kinds, competing for who will get you first.
Myth #5: There Is Only One Cupid
See the deity myth, above. There can be and there is more than one. There are whole choirs of Cupids, corps of Cupids. More and more all the time. They’re a small but important part of the eternal war for Heaven and Earth. Think of them as underground foot soldiers for the soft war games that enable the higher ups to plan the bigger stuff.
So now you know how to spot a modern Cupid, good luck on V-Day, survivors. Try to stay off Cupid’s Camera – or not, depending on your situation – and remember this one tip if nothing else – Cupids love honey but they hate bees. Keep a fake bee in your pocket and be prepared to throw it when the Cupid Camera appears.
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