Another former government agent is talking about aliens this week, Paul Hellyer, Canada’s former Minister of Defence turned writer/researcher of alien etiquette since 2005, says there are now four major species of aliens who have been visiting earth for thousands of years and that learning how to behave in the presence of each of them is important for your survival.
“Just as children learn to survive the tooth fairy and Santa Claus when they become adult, I think that tax paying citizens are quite capable of accepting the broader reality that we live in a cosmos teaming with life of various sorts,” testified the former Minister of Defence who sadly did not elaborate on his Santa Claus Survival Strategy.
As an adult himself and former holder of one of the most powerful human titles on Earth, Paul Hellyer has spent the last ten years studying aliens and their etiquette. He attributes his own survival success to a guide book known as Millenial Hospitality 2 by Charles James Hall. This second alien etiquette book in a series, chiefly treats encounters with a race of aliens known as the Tall Whites, pictured above.
Survival Tips From A Former Defence Minister, Part One: Tall White Survival
- First, ensure sure that you are not in fact dealing with an angel
With their glowing white jumpsuits, nylon boots and propensity for swimming through the desert air in a bubble of white light, Hellyer’s Tall Whites are often mistaken for angels and vice-versa. Millenial Hospitality invites you to visit your religious leader and get right with the belief system of your choice before approaching a Tall White, just in case you are actually dealing with an angel.
- Also ensure you are not just dealing with another tall skinny white human.
If your last three dates with tall blondes all turned out to be with the same girl only you didn’t realize it? This is not surprising but it is also not technically an alien encounter.
- If you are in fact dealing with a Tall White alien, don’t run away.
Running away from a Tall White alien is an invitation to vaporization. Stay very still and very quiet.
- But don’t follow them either.
They don’t mean to lead you into the middle of the desert with no water but when you start following an alien, they treat it like a game. A game that you will lose, in part because you can’t bob along above the earth in a bubble of white light.
But if you do decide to follow, remember aliens prefer you to stay about 30 feet away from them at all times and if you prefer to remain unvaporized, you might want to do that.
- If you do follow an alien, hang onto your hat.
Not only will you need your hat to keep the sun off your head when the aliens abandon you in the middle of the desert, but if you lose your hat the aliens will just WASH it and return it to you in an unusual location for you to find later. Your hat will never be the same size or shape ever again. Aliens are terrible with human laundry but pretty good with the DNA they extract from objects like this.
- Keep a log book of your departures and arrivals
We’re talking an old-fashioned pen and paper log book, every time you leave or arrive home. This way you’ll catch any missing time in your daily routines.
- Learn to identify Horse Formation
Aliens in a group float around in something called horse formation, that is with kids in the middle and adults floating protectively around the edges. This formation is meant to ensure group speed and safety for the kids. Never mess with a group of aliens in horse formation.
- Look for the microwave pencil.
Tall Whites are curiously nostalgic. They carry microwave pencils to hypnotize you and scramble your memories. If you want to remember the experiments they performed on you, duck when you see that microwave pencil!
Either that or carry a Pizza Pop with you at all times to absorb the microwaves. Both effective and delicious!
- Let them laugh at you.
If you do succeed in remaining conscious for their experiments, the aliens may interrogate you. If so, don’t be surprised or offended when everything you say makes them laugh. And above all don’t make fun of the way that they laugh, which has been described as, “a series of whinnying, barking sounds.”
- What’s your favourite star?
It sounds like a trick question because it is a trick question. Just remember, your favourite star is Arcturus. Trust me. Tall White aliens will always ask you. Be ready!
- Who is Teacher’s Pet?
YOU ARE! Weird, I know. You’ll have to take my word for it. It’s code, straight out of the alien etiquette manual recommended by the former Defence Minister. If you say it with feeling, this can get you out of a tight spot with armed aliens. “Friend of the Teacher,” will also work but doesn’t have quite the same… je ne sais quoi. Which is I don’t know. I really don’t.
- Offer to take them shopping.
I know it sounds crazy. A race that conquered time and space and aging and death just wants to go shopping? Don’t shoot the messenger! It’s right there on page 149 of the alien etiquette manual recommended by a former Minister of Defence! That’s one step down from a President so who am I to argue?
The theory is that lucky for you, white fluorescent jumpsuits and nylon go-go boots seem to get boring after a while, so you can increase your chances of surviving an alien encounter just by offering to take them shopping here on Earth.
Testifying hot on the heels of famous former alien-debunker-turned-alien-bunker USA Air Force Colonel Richard French who recently described spotting an alien craft hiding under the waves off the east coast, Paul Hellyer wishes to remind you,”Aliens are not an amorphous species and consequently they have different agendas.”
In other words what works with Tall Whites might backfire with the Short Grays and what helped Paul Hellyer survive as Defence Minister of the first G-8 country to admit the existence of aliens among us, may not work for you.