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Martian Welcome or Trap? Mars Installs Traffic Lights, Recreates India

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Big news from Mars this week, as the red planet prepares for a surge in tourist traffic by building the planet’s first traffic lights and even a full-scale replica of India itself to greet their latest visitors.

Martian Install First Traffic Light
Martian Install First Traffic Light

Could this be a sign the Martians have decided to welcome the flow of Earthlings?  Or a space tourist trap?

Bizarre traffic lights were spotted for the first time on Mars this week while India’s Space Research Organization simultaneously announced today they have discovered what appears to be a full-scale replica of their home country in shadow on the surface of the planet.

Never seen before, the Martian traffic lights, circled in red here, appeared in a NASA photo sent by the Curiosity rover and while some observers believe the arrangement of rocks might be a totem and not a traffic light, Space Journalist Joe White insists it is a traffic light.

“I saw this one and I thought right away, ‘hang on that is a traffic light,” stated Joe White on his Youube channel ArtAlienTV.

At the same time, India’s new Mars mission announced they have discovered a full-scale recreation of their country on the surface of Mars.

“OMG  India map on Mars!” wrote Saurabh Gupta with great excitement on the Indian Space Research Organizations Facebook page.

Is this a trap? Or a sign of welcome?
Is this a trap? Or a sign of welcome?

The outline of India appeared in shadow over a region of the planet known as Meridiani Planum and it remains unclear if it represents a real structure or a Martian mirage.

But is the light-and-shadow show intended to welcome Earthlings? Or lure them into an elaborate trap? That still remains unclear.

Many Martian observers believe this could be a sign the Martians have stopped hiding underground and maybe be preparing for interplanetary tourism instead while more alien-ated observers believe these could represent an elaborate trap by the natives.

“This is a welcome wagon in progress,” stated on upbeat observer. “These Martians are no fools. They know we’re coming whether they like it or not now and they are preparing for us.”

Preparing for us? 

“Looks like a space tourist trap to me,” stated Supernatural Survivologist Seth Greening, unabashedly interviewing himself in a statement this morning. “Think about it. A friendly-seeming beacon of familiarity to make visitors feel at home-away-from home combined with a structure to control the flow of movement? All that’s missing now are the overpriced  souvenir vendors and the delicious deep-fried street foods that kill.”

“Oh wait! That totally describes the jelly doughnuts previously spotted on the surface. The Martians have clearly abandoned plans to invade Earth and are now planning to take us out on their home turf!”

Until we know more, visitors to Mars are advised to pack their own lunches and not be fooled by any displays of familiarity or follow any dubious traffic lights, no matter how bad you may have to use the toilet. Use your space suite or hold it until you get home.

Your survival is guaranteed, 99.98%.

Jammer Coats for Alien Season Faraday Fashion For All

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Alien season always brings a full contingent of confused cosmic visitors normally recognizable by their baffling bodily needs and bizarre facial tics, despite their strange disguises but this year singularity conscious designers around the globe picking up their packing needs are putting out Faraday fashions that will make it harder than ever to tell who’s who at the alien zoo.

Jammer coats like this enable you to evade electronic detection and hide any extra tentacles you have.
Jammer Coat helps you evade electronic detection and hide any extra tentacles or sausage samples.

A Faraday cage or shield as you and Wikipedia both know is an enclosure formed by a charged conductive mesh that shields the interior from external electromagnetic radiation ie: shields you from remote detection. This is the main reason I only take calls in my refrigerator or my microwave, depending on the season. And possibly why I don’t get many calls anymore…

But I digress. The point is, that this year it’s easier than ever to hide your electronic footprint, not to mention your extra tentacles, with canny designers who are cashing in on the universal need for singularity security with Faraday fashions, with so-called Jammer Coats like this one.

The CHBL Jammer Coat is a fluffy Faraday moo-moo with hidden pockets for all your devices and extra appendages designed to make you disappear from the grid. The piece is made from metallised fabric that blocks radio waves and shields the wearer against tracking devices.

(Of course it can do nothing about the blank expressionless stare of a face that fits too tight owing to a bad skin job like this one. But I digress again.)

In a pinch the Jammer Coat also serves as a decent sleeping bag, perfect for anyone, human or alien, on the run. And that’s my main problem with the Jammer Coat.

 

Alien disguises used to be easier to ahem, spot...
Alien disguises used to be easier to ahem, spot…

It used to be relatively easy to spot the aliens among us. You just looked for the pale floating humanoid with the gold go-go boots. Or else the one with the house on her head.

But now when any poorly packed alien can just pick up a Jammer Coat at their local Costco, how will we ever know who’s packing a Tesla cannon or hoarding all the sausage samples?

The answer is that we won’t. The coats are also allegedly smell-proof.

That said, of course I intend to invest in one asap. After all, a Jammer Coat would be the perfect excuse for not answering calls or emails. It’s not me Naya, it’s the coat…

That last part was a joke. Mostly. Feel free to not call me maybe whenever you don’t even feel like it Naya…

And long may you keep on keeping on.

SOS Humans Are Coming Martian Light Mystery Solved

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The mystery of a strange light that appeared from beneath the surface of Mars this week has finally been decoded by experts who say the Martians are sending an urgent SOS message to the solar system, help us the humans are coming.

An SOS signal from Mars has been detected this week.
An SOS signal from Mars detected this week.

The news put to rest a week of intense speculation about this light detected in an image on April 03 by Mars Curiosity Rover.

UFO watcher Scott Waring first broke the news that the Martians, widely believed to live underground – or at least hide there whenever humans come probing – were clearly caught on camera projecting light from an artificial source.

“This is not a glare from the sun, nor is it an artifact of the photo process. Look closely at the bottom of the light. It has a very flat surface giving us 100% indication it is from the surface,” he writes on his UFO Sightings Daily website.

While his findings were dismissed as findings often are, by some who say the light is more likely caused by underground lightning, also very cool, or a so-called vent-hole light leak on a glinty rocks, SOS can reveal the truth today. The light is an SOS signal and the message is clear – Help us the Humans are coming.

Professor Dominicus Van Buren, who first broke the code through careful sequential study of all widely available photos on the Internet, says The Martians have clearly been made aware of humanity’s full slate of Mars missions for the near future.

“Think about it. Would you want an endless season of Spring Break In Space shooting in your back yard?” said Professor Van Buren, alluding to Mars One, a proposed televised Mars colonization plan, due to begin shooting immediately. “Not every species dreams of having a network TV show,” he added, a clear dig at me.

Unfortunately the net result of their signal so far has only been to increase the speed and number of humanity’s proposed visits to their fine planet. NASA has already announced they will interpret the Mars light signal to mean hello please send more probes with cameras. On their website NASA states the main purpose of this new probe will be to address key questions about the potential for life on Mars – which remains an open question for the camera-shy underground Martians as well at this point.

Introducing The Monstrometer Report

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Hail Survivors,

I’m happy to announce on this fine full moon the survival of the first video in my new series, The Monstrometer Report,  a show that covers the supernatural survival news and views unfolding here on the site and around the world.

In this one, the burning question that should be on your mind anytime a fireball falls to Earth or even when you take out the trash: Am I living In An alien zoo? And if so, what to do?

Do you live in an alien zoo?
Do you live in an alien zoo?

 

Thanks to everyone for helping SOS keep on keeping on and especially for helping out with the site so I could make the new videos. You know who you are: Survivors of the Month, Hall of Famers and everyone who continues to share their supernatural advice and experiences here at SOS.  Long may you keep on keeping on, supernaturally.

 

Alien vs Crab Demon? Abduction Case Mystery Continues

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When Calvin Parker Jr. (18) was attacked by three leathery-skin creatures with giant crab-like claws who levitated him and his fishing buddy aboard a strange craft to examine him with a floating eyeball, the whole world jumped to what seemed like the obvious conclusion – alien abduction.

In fact, Calvin’s story helped put Pascagoula Miss. on the map, making it a destination for UFO enthusiasts and alien fans from all over the world for a long time.

Was he abducted by a crab demon instead of an alien?
Was Calvin Parker abducted by a crab demons or aliens?

But Calvin himself didn’t like to talk about it much after that. In fact he spent the next 40 years on the run from his story and all the alien lovers who wanted him to tell it again and again. Even though he passed a lie-detector test, he never wanted to talk about it.

“By the time you get somewhere and they figure out who you were, I’d just go,” he said. “I’d just go find another job somewhere.”

Why?

Recently Calvin has admitted that he thinks the world might have got it all wrong. That he wasn’t visited by aliens at all. That in fact he was visited by demons.

How could he think that? Well consider the facts and judge for yourself:

 

The world thought it was aliens but Calvin later thought it was demons.
The world thought Calvin was abducted by aliens but Calvin thinks it could have been demons.

The Case for Crab Demons:

1.      Calvin and his friend were fishing at the time. Crab demons have been spotted by fishermen around the world, particularly in Japan where some believe them to be the drowned spirits of Samurai warriors sent to their untimely deaths by a child emperor.

2.    Western demonologists report that a legion of crab demons is in fact commanded by some major demon lords. Although Calvin doesn’t mention any fireballs in his famous report, these demons are also known for detachable eyeballs and interest in human abductions.

3.     To this day, Calvin battles a fiery red rash on his body everywhere the claws touched him.

“I’m a firm believer in God and where there’s good, there’s bad,” Parker said, referring to the possibility of an encounter with demons.

The Case for Aliens: 

1.      The incident began with swooping blue lights from the sky and a zipping noise, not from the water or below the earth.

2.      The creatures’ crab claws, although red, seemed almost robotic and cyborg-like.

3.     The abduction involved a thorough examination that demonstrated a high degree of curiosity above all else, alien style.

“They gave a thorough, I mean a thorough, examination to me just like any doctor would,” Calvin Parker said over and over again to police.

So which is it? Aliens or demons?

Roswell Incident Anniversary Celebrations Harmless Fun or Serious Threat?

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Survivors before you click on that cute little Google Doodle spaceship today, take a minute to recall the sombre incidents in Roswell, New Mexico this little UFO game represents and ask yourself if it’s worth taking the risk to experience 30 seconds of animated space-craft piloting fun.

Think of the consequences before celebrating Roswell day!
Think of the consequences before celebrating Roswell Day!

Remember Richard French? The former US Air Force Colonel who retired from a lifelong career of debunking UFOs with the intent of spending his old age bragging about how he helped bring down not one but two UFOs on this day in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.

Remember how mad this made the aliens when he became an overnight Internet celeb last year on this date?

I certainly do:

As if you Earthlings could take down any of our craft using your 1947 technology, they said.

As if any advanced alien species anywhere would let themselves or their ships be taken captive that easily, they said.

The only true part about Colonel French’s report is the part where we all apparently write in Arabic, they said. We really do that. Mainly just to be funny. But also because we know how much it bugs you.

In fact, at the time, I feared that Colonel French may have been working with economist Paul Krugman to start an intergalactic war to end the global recession.

Thankfully, I worked with the Olympics committee to appease the aliens with free tickets and front row seats to the summer games and intergalactic war was averted. And the recession still reigns supreme so woOt. You’re welcome.

But today think about this before you plan your cute little Roswell party. What happened to Colonel French?

Well nobody knows exactly who got to him or how, but got to him they did. No he’s not dead exactly, or not yet anyway, but the 83 year-old Colonel has noticeably changed his tune. He is no longer bragging about bagging a pair of aliens in his youth. No, these days all he talks about is about how he witnessed two aliens skillfully repair their ship underwater off the coast of Newfoundland, Canada in under 20 minutes before making a clean getaway, in front of a cheering crowd.

French reads statement aliens prepared for him.
French reads statement aliens prepared to debunk his earlier debunking.

See him here, reading the testimony the aliens prepared for him, testimony that debunks his earlier debunking of his life work as a debunker!

“And they looked the way aliens have been depicted in motion pictures,” is how he finishes his testimony these days to the Citizen Hearing On Disclosure Panel.

The lesson here Survivors, as I see it, is don’t make fun of alien, unless you want them to hijack your brain and turn you into their head cheerleader.

Go aliens!

Crap. Did I really type that? How did they find me….?