Aliens

 Fire Opal Mines Seek Space Miners But Methane Breathers Only Please

Boos for the space mining industry this week from the unemployed astronauts who cheered the first fire opals found on Mars but now protest the industry preference for hiring only Martian miners.

When scientists in Glasgow, Scotland found fire opals from the red planet on the Martian meteorite known as Nakla, Buzz Buchwald was among the first to celebrate.

“As a NASA-trained astronaut I have space suit and can travel,” said Buzz who was laid off in a round of cutbacks last year.

“Not to mention I can perform pilates in sub-zero gravity and play a mean acoustic guitar.”

“So naturally I thought for sure I could land a job as a fire opal miner on Mars.”

Buzz’s original optimism quickly crashed and burned though after he delivered hundreds of resumes to Martian mining operators. His follow-up calls to the companies in question all received the same routine reply – sorry Sir but the positions have been filled… 

“They didn’t even want to see my awesome Earth sunset photos or hear about my workout routine!” tweeted Buzz today. “I haven’t felt this bad since cutback space snack-packs took away my tube cheese!”

Martian mining industry reps, meanwhile, refuse to admit they hire only Martians.

“We simply ask all candidates to demonstrate the ability to breathe methane,” said one mine operator. “In fact we invite anyone whose only beverage requirement is a yearly subzero-ice chip to apply.”

“Is that really too much to ask?”

Earthlings who can provide their own space suit can probably find decent work as a moon miner or even on an asteroid gig with companies like Planetary Resources... added the industry rep.

In a related story, many Martians themselves continue to say “Nay!” to the fire opal rush on their planet.

“Our fire opals are not mere baubles like your lame Terran rocks,” sniffed one Martian activist.

Why?

“For one thing, these precious gems preserve our ancestors! And for another… let’s just say they do other things.I like you Seth but I can’t tell you about the other things and let you keep on keeping on, as you put it.”

Keep on keeping on Survivors.

California scientist’s colony of real Yakon aliens that breathe boulders and eat energy.

Scientist Kenneth Nealson publicly admits to raising a colony of real-life energy-eating, rock-breathing aliens, ignoring the obvious danger to all life here on Earth.

Professor Kenneth Nealson of University of Southern California defended his decision to farm an alien species that eats only energy and breathes rocks instead of air.

“They could be harnessed to create biological fuel cells or to clean up human waste,” he told the reporter from Popular Science who busted the professor and his alien colony.

Reporter Corey S. Powell says the Professor refuses to call his pet Yakons aliens at all, referring to them instead as Shewanella oneidensis which translates, roughly, to voracious light-eating, boulder-breather bacteria who wants all your electrons NOW! 

In fact, Powell uncovered an entire team of scientists helping Professor Nealson to raise a virtual army of these aliens. Learn to protect you and your electrons now before these alien-loving academics bring about the electrolopolypse…

 Energy Eater Alien Survival Tips

1. Go Off Grid

Understood, not everyone has their own underground bunker yet. But it doesn’t make you crazy just because you have a rubber room! Now is the time to build your own, before these hungry aliens come looking for you.

2. Non-Conductive Clothing

Yes, the neoprene run really hot but on the bright side, you look pretty cool. And it’s a lot better than coating yourself with silicone – trust me on this. So be ready, get out your rain gear and rubber boots. And don’t forget the hat.

3. Lights out & lay low

Think energy conservation – not just about global warming. Power everything down – including you. Especially you. Now is a the time to practice your zombic meditation. And if you’re not sure what this means, find a meditation class taught by a qualified Zomtanga instructor at your local recreation facility and learn how to slow your cellular metabolism to undeadly levels as soon as possible.

4. Arm Yourself

If you have a Tesla Cannon or Tesla Gun, equip that immediately. Don’t have one yet? Got an old nerf gun laying around? Then it’s not too late. Turn that old birthday present into a real lightning cannon out like survivor Rob Flickenger did here. That said, a commercial Super Taser may do the trick.

(And here’s where you ask, Seth. Seriously? Why shoot them with electricity, which they love? To which I reply, Good question and thanks for keeping on keeping on…)

The point here is this. These aliens have an energy for rock metabolic process meaning they devour energy and breathe out rock. To whit, the more light you shoot them with, the more rock they will breathe out. The theory here is that by shooting them with enough energy, their respiration will cause an avalanche that falls only on them.

Or that’s the theory anyway. But as Yogi Berra would say… in theory there is no difference between theory and practice but in practice there is!

Giant intelligent aliens could see Earth as an insect colony, says science this week.

Could it be true? Are Earthlings the ants in a universe of giant aliens? If so how will you and your colony survive the coming alien exterminators?

First here’s the new science. Most intelligent aliens weigh more than 661 pounds or more than 300 kilos and likely stand nine feet tall, says scientist Dr. Fergus Simpson.

Why?

In times like this, a good raincoat, boots and hat or tarp go a long way. To avoid contact with people pesticides wear them at all times when you exit your bunker.

Just be sure to safely remove and decontaminate all protective outerwear before you re-enter your domain or you could be responsible for an entire colony collapse.

Start there survivors and long may you keep on keeping on.