The world is dead! Long live the world! Survivor reports today confirm the world did indeed meet its end last night, right on schedule, only to begin again, also right on schedule. Thanks to the hard work of survivors everywhere, the beginning of the beginning of the new Bak’tun has begun!
(We’re singing a new ‘tun and not a moment too soon. I think we can all agree that old Bak’tun just needed to go already.)
The renewal of the world was officially confirmed by many, including my new friend, Professor and Mayan Daykeeper Leonzo Barreno, who woke me in my survival ball at 7:24 am to report the revival of the sun which followed the expected expiry of the old world at approximately 12:12 am.
(Leonzo doesn’t perform the traditional Daykeeper rituals anymore due to his bad knees and PhDs but he still reads the news up in Sasquatchewan.)
Eye-witness reports indicate our old world ended in the dead of night with neither a whimper nor with a bang but with a series of strange clicks and the lingering smell of raspberries.** While duly deputized Daykeepers dutifully performed the renewal rituals, Survivors scanned the horizon for signs of the new world- which finally appeared much to our relief, three minutes late, needing a good shower and looking much like the old one.
That’s why I’m approaching this new Bak’tun with extreme caution. The old world of 2012 was dangerous enough – relentless zombies, hot vampires, nuclear werewolves, melting ice, rude robots, drowsy draconians, boxes with sharp edges, leprechauns oh the leprechauns!… if you survived too, you know all about it. I’m hopefully this new world will be better but you know what they say. The devil you know is still a devil. Unless he’s really a demon. Or a fallen angel. In any case you probably need a supernaturally good lawyer.
That said, I’m not sure I would recommend this Survival Ball. Made by Halliburton, I received it in the mail at the beginning of December along with a link to a promotional video that promised not just apocalyptic survival but excellent post-apocalyptic quality of life. The card said I could keep the ball free of charge in exchange for an SOS review. Which I fully intend to write if I can just finish making my first breakfast of the new Bak’tun.