Lava elves bitter battle with town continues after mayor agrees to move their church and then breaks it instead…
Lava Elves in Iceland take up arms again this week after the humans who agreed to move their church away from a proposed road project broke the structure in half instead.
“When we agreed to let the humans move it naturally we assumed they meant to move it in one piece! What do you do with half a church?” said enraged elf activist Fróðu, author of inspirational books that include Be Your Best Elf-Or Else. “When we agreed to let the humans move it naturally we assumed they meant to move it in one piece! What are we supposed to do with half a church?”
The church, known as Ófeigskirkja was located in the Gálgahraun lava field, about ten minutes outside Rykjavik, smack in the middle of a proposed route to the town of Alftanes.
After eight years of fighting the proposed road development, the Lava Elves finally agreed to allow the relocation of their church in exchange for a lucrative relocation package that includes protection for the environment, a lifetime supply of peach skyr and satellite televisions.
But the moving crew hired to relocate the elves’ 50 ton rock church last week reportedly broke the chapel in half during the move.
“Is this the thanks we get for guiding humans safely through the lava fields all those years?” ranted Fróðu referring to the Lava Elves tradition of warning travellers away from hot lava spots using the church beacon. “Wait until you see what happens to their construction crew now!”
“I’ll give you a hint. It smells like melted bulldozers.”
Icelandic construction workers remember the history of “accidents” that have befallen those who failed to heed elven warnings. These are so many that even non-believers would rather play it safe than risk incurring the wrath of the huldufólk or “hidden folk” as the Icelanders call them.
In fact many concerned workers are already refusing to begin work on the project.
“It’s not worth it,” said one worried dozer driver. “Do you know how many machines and men they melted in the seventies before the supernatural site conservation laws? A lot.”
The danger is so great that companies planning large scale projects now try to pre-empt problems with the supernatural world by hiring consultants with clairvoyant skills to check out the landscape first to ensure it was empty of elvish rocks.
But what if you have a suspicious rock in your hood and you can’t afford an over-priced consultant? Don’t let this happen to you! Learn to identify elvish structures before enraging the elves inside it.
How to Identify Elf Rocks
Is the rock in the middle of a road? Elf rocks and roads go together for one of two reasons, depending whose story your believe. The elves say it’s because the best place to protect the earth and all its creatures is from the middle of a major roadway. And to be fair there are many, many reports of accidents averted by the sight of an elf on the road. But others suspect this elvish tendency is actually a form of piracy and for that matter you don’t hear as much about the accidents caused by an elf popping up unexpectedly in the middle of the road.
Is there something sticking out of the rock? Think a sword, spike or anchor but don’t rule out human legs which have also been reported. Point here is when it comes to elf rocks, things often get stuck in them for long periods of time. Like forever. Or until a once and future king appears to extract it.
3. Doors & Windows
Elves may be magical but they aren’t uncivilized. They prefer rock structures with windows and doors. No they won’t all be painted doors red with a giant Z on the front of it like the photo above – which was more likely marked by a human – but any rock with a number of openings and exits will do. Remember elves come in a range of sizes from slightly taller than a fairy to 8 feet in height so any rock formation is fair game, from boulders to caves.