Fingers are flying following Nessie the world’s most famous mermonster vanishing act from the Loch Ness in 2013 after nearly a century of dependable appearances.
So get your finger ready to joint the fight and consider carefully from the options below who you think is to blame.
(Please remember that all individuals named are innocent until proven guilty so please practice safe finger pointing. Especially Nessie Hunter George Edwards, below, who emailed me a few times using several large legal words.)
First, the background. Loch Ness Monster researcher Gary Campbell stunned the world last week when he announced that the Loch Ness Monster has now been officially missing for 18 months, the longest no-Nessie stretch in over 90 years, leaving the world to wonder who or what could be responsible.
Suspect #1: Nessie Hunter George Edwards
The name says it all. He hunts. Nessie. Oh I know he says this means just trying to shoot the cryptid with a camera but then why the enormous, refrigerated hold in the belly of his boat, complete with blowgun?
In an email to me last year Captain Edwards denied that hold was for fish to feed the beast after another Nessie-debunkologist accused him of actually feeding Nessie so what exactly was Captain Edwards planning to store down there?
Suspect #2: Adrian Shine
Captain Edward’s arch enemy and Nessie debunkologist likes nothing better than trying to prove every Nessie photo a fake. When Captain Edwards publicly called him a pseudo-scientist, did Mr. Shine go from Nessie kill-joy to Nessie killer? Killing Nessie would be the only way Mr. Shine could be 100% certain there would be no Nessie in the Loch Ness.
Suspect #3: Charlie Sheen
Mr. Sheen, a self-declared warlock with tiger blood in his veins, among other substances, freely admits flying to Scotland last June to hunt for Nessie.
While Mr. Sheen later publicly stated that he failed to find the famous mermonster, ask yourself this one question – is this the face of a man whose public statements you should trust? ‘Nuff said.
Suspect #4: Magnetic Island, Australia
At first glance only one man seemed guilty here – the man who took the now famous Lost Nessie photo (below), Mr. David Herron. Mr. Herron runs a wedding celebration company on beautiful Magnetic Island where he brags about having planned over 1500 unique and memorable wedding ceremonies and prides himself on his pull-out-all-stops reputation when it comes to pleasing the clients. Was Mr. Herron under pressure to produce a Nessie-themed wedding? It seemed likely to me.
But further investigation reveals the whole island’s 200-odd inhabitants appear to be in on it. Jealous of Scotland’s tourism success, did Magnetic Island hatch a Nessie breeding plot to make their own monster reputation? Was this a cold case of cryptid kidnapping?
Suspect #5: Nessie
Let’s face it, Nessie’s not getting any younger. He – or she – has gamely performed for tourists on a random schedule for over 90 years. Did Nessie finally have enough?
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It goes without saying that you of course can make up your own mind, but me I’m especially interested in numbers 4 and 5. In fact, I’m hoping to get a lift to Australia later this week so I can look into it. If I can just get Graham to pack me properly then I’ll call FedEx and ask for Urban Squatch later this week.
by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com
I’m on the case, The Reaper society’s job is knowing where all supernatural creatures are at all times. Squad 93g will be deployed. They are trained in aquatic reaping. Once contained Nessie will be safely returned, after her prosecution of course. She thinks she can leave. She is the guardian of that Lake.
RB
That is not the Reaper Corps job
We keep control, in order to maintain that controlled balence between life and death, we need to keep track of everyone everywhere
RB
We keep the peace, in order to maintain order we need to keep tabs on everybody
RB
Well what do you know reapers took control of the job that the guardians used to have thanks for making my life easier btw. Oh and thank you for clarifying the Guardian vs protector mix-up
Hey! Are you putting me in the same league as ol’ Noah there?! I’m at least 15% more hilarious!
Sure, when you round it
RB
Make that 20% funnier.
You know what because the last joke Noah probably told was about how his clothes are always wet I will round up then multiply by the number of remaining guardians
Chaos will always triumph over order(except when it doesn’t). We’re better organized.
You mis employed the term guardian to protector would have been a bit better a term to use
I apologize, but I was referring to the job not the race
RB
I always knew Charlie Sheen was capable of this… But nobody believed me. Do you believe me now Urban Squatch?! Huh?! 👿
What? Look, I believed you on the whole Lilliput thing, and possibly even that time you said a Leprachaun stole your clothes and you had to walk around naked for three days… But I don’t think it’s Charlie Sheen. If anything, Nessie is getting up there in the years. Maybe she’s just gotten too old to patrol the lake.
It was Charlie Sheen, and you know it! It was either Charlie Sheen, or the Magnetic Island. And I’m not crazy! Noah had me tested.
It was not me yet I do that in ten earth years.
I just want to twerk 😛
Messy and his relatives are called pictish beasts, an ancient sentient sea creature. They were once used by the water sidhe and fin folk to conquer the seas. They aren’t going extinct any time soon.
*Nessie
Technically, scientists have proof that Nessie is an ancient Plesiosaur. She was gifted with long life due to the fact that her kind needed a place to breed before the end of the Jurassic period.
This has been, The Reaper giving you, your magic/science forecast of the week. Up next is Sunny Rain with your atchu weather forecast.
” Any science sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic.” – Arthur C. Clarke
Wrong, science has to obey by the natural laws of the universe, magic breaks those laws.
RB
No, magic is those laws. If it can occur then logically the laws of nature either don’t forbid it or don’t apply. Magic only bends the rules, it’s really just technology advanced to the point where gear and computers are no longer necessary.
Someone clearly doesn’t know much about magic 🙄
Knock off the bickering. Another survivor has returned.
I am the law, I’m the underworld government. I think I’ll ban magic from the underworld. It’s better that way.
RB
Magic is simply controlling probibility, for example, the chances of a fireball being produce in your hand is Verry low. The ability of magic simplely put the odds in your favor of the fire ball manifesting.
RB
Wow thirteen lies and a misconception in fifty four words that has to be some sort of record,
What’s your soul tally so far? Ooh, that’s not looking good, I guess I’ll have to give you a vacation to get your mind in order… To the point, get out of the underworld, I tire of cats.
RB
I’m sure cats tire of narcissism as well so don’t be too sorry. 🙄
Why, Cheshire I believe that is a record.
great Nessie went missing on my Birthday