Missile-toe Drone Self Defense
By Baldur, just when you thought you had all your seasonal survival bases covered, from that tactically tacky sweater to ward off the dread Yule Cat to a traditional tasty tree to deal with supernaturally sad spirits, some saucy cyborg corp has to go and put the missile back into mistletoe.
Don’t be caught on the wrong end of this sticky payload. Prepare for attack from above.
What are you droning on about today, you ask? Exactly! I say. Drones. Drones armed with mistletoe that’s what. Survivors of a vicious mistletoe attack in San Francisco are sounding the alarm. A diner at TGI Fridays in San Francisco barely managed to escape with her face after a sneak attack by a drone like this one->>.
Like a “huge bug,” the drone attacked Georgine Benvenuto during dinner, sunk its hooks into her face and proceeded to try and reel her in.
SOS readers know well the true menace of mistletoe The parasitic plant has been historically used as a deadly weapon by everyone from demigods to angry forest spirits, witches to cupids.
A now in cyborg warfare. Even your old mistletoe survival rules won’t help you this year. So let’s test a few new ones:
1. Jam The Signal
If you have a signal jammer app, make sure you have it handy. If you don’t have one yet, I would suggest downloading one before leaving the house for a bite. Or anything else.
Then be sure you have enough power to leave the app open and running throughout the entire meal or you may not like the dessert.
2. Wear a Hat
I’m not a fan of the tinfoil lid purely on the grounds of vanity but you could do worse when the mistletoe machine arrives at your table with its poison payload.
This year though I’m going for wool. Knit wool with metallic thread will provide more than just good insulation and prophylactic protection, I hope it will ensnare and short the hovering drone.
3. Keep Your Food Covered At All Times
I recommend ordering a takeaway container even if you plan to sit and eat. Then open the lid only wide enough to extract your next bite. This protects you and your food from any mistletoe fallout. Not to mention your fries from your girlfriend.
But seriously, you know what happens when mistletoe lands right? If not please review. You don’t want it to land on you.
4. Look for the Driver
Just who or what is driving that droid? If you can locate the force behind the attack all you have to do is take them down… then you can finish your dessert in peace.
Of course it’s one thing if the driver is some minimum wager with a joystick hired by TGI Fridays to stir things up, quite another to find yourself facing Amazon or Google. So whatever you do, don’t order ice cream.
5. Pre-emeptive Kiss
Now I know this is controversial. A lot of dangerous bacterial transfers can be attributed to this activity. You could end up a zombie or worse… dating you ex. Nonetheless it remains true that sharing a pre-emptive kiss with somebody close to you will abort a mistletoe attack.
So don’t wait for the drone at your dome, just pucker up and plant one on somebody close. Preferably somebody you like. Just make sure they aren’t chewing anything you don’t.
➥ And be sure to keep on keeping on with the latest survivor reports unfolding here on the pages of SOS. You won’t be disappointed. For the sake of survival not to mention the first documented use of the word BALORFING alone, it’s worth it…by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com