Supernaturally suspicious minds this week want to know, is soccer superstar and serial footballer biter Luis Suarez a vampire, cannibal, werewolf or some kind of high-functioning zombie?
As you likely already know, Uroguay’s striker Suarez chomped on Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini during Tuesday night’s game making this the third suspicious biting incident for that player in as many years.
The incident on Tuesday helped Uroguay to win the game 1-0 and also quietly made a lot of cash for a few supernaturally smart gamblers who bet that it would happen.
And now for the debate. Previously branded a vampire and a cannibal by many in the media, including SOTM Agent RB, SOS readers may recall that I diagnosed him as a werewolf here on the site last year.
But this time many sports psychologists are leaning toward a new diagnosis – a kind of high-functioning zombie. Let’s take a bite at the theories:
Theory #1: Suarez is a cannibal
Dubbed the ‘Cannibal of Ajax’ by the media after the first time he bit another player in the Netherlands in 2010 this initial diagnosis seemed highly probable to the world. He was after all playing for the Dutch at the time, a country almost as famous for its high profile cannibals as for its tulips.
On top of that, readers of SOS may recall 2010 as the year of the great global cannibal capsule confederacy when performance enhancing supplements containing human body parts were being exported from Asia to athletes and health-conscious cannibals around the world.
Proponents of this theory point out that Suarez tends to bite later in the game ie: after the 70 minute mark when hunger overcomes him and also that he tends to bite on the meaty drumsticks of his victims.
Detractors of this theory however point out that Suarez does not seem to chew and or swallow the most reliable indicator of cannibalism.
Was Suarez on the cannibal cookies? Possibly put on one of these supplements by a Dutch trainer?
Theory #2: Suarez is a vampire
When Suarez bit Serbian footballer Branislav Ivanovic, the media had a new diagnosiss – vampire. The logic here is simple. It was a night game on a new moon and the Serbian player Suarez bit is related to one of the most famous real vampires in the modern world, the homeless vampire, Sava Savanovic who held the whole country captive after his home collapsed. If Suarez was not in fact a vampire before biting Ivanovic, he certainly would be afterward – or so the logic goes.
Theory #3: Suarez is a werewolf
Yes, this was my theory and it really never caught on even after I did such a supernaturally good job photoshopping that image of Suarez howling at the moon. My reasoning here was simple. Suarez has a known anger management issue and after biting Ivanovic in 2013, he limped off the field in dramatic fashion, exactly like a werewolf fighting off an unexpected transformation.
Critics of my theory claimed Suarez was faking an injury to detract from his deed and that no smart werewolf would bite another player and then leave him alive. I could never really argue with the last point – although I tried hard enough with extensive research into lycan marking behaviours. But this much remains true, nobody really knows to this day how Ivanovic spent the next full moon before going on to play the best year of his career after Suarez bit him.
Theory #4: Suarez is a high functioning zombie
This newest theory brought to you by sports psychologists follows the latest incident in Brazil and answers one question on everyone’s mind. With the whole world already onto him supernaturally speaking, why can’t Suarez just keep his teeth to himself?
It’s all in the brain stem, they argue. ZSE highjacks the brain and cuts Suarez off from his higher functioning. He can’t control himself because he has no access to his higher brain anymore. So how do they explain Suarez’s lightning fast reflexes and famous trash-talking face? Well, that’s the high functioning part, they argue.
Those are the the theories, Survivors. Everything you need to make up your own mind. Many thanks to Agent R.B. for bringing the story to my attention and to everyone else who has kept on keeping on this week while SOS HQ moved to its new secret location. Look for This Week In Survival to return again on Saturday.
by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com