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President Adopts Werewolf, Bogus Mermaid School & Shopaholic Robot

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SOS Supernatural News This Week

Guaranteed truer than true 99.98%

After my extended trip North to investigate the brewing war for the Pole between Denmark, Canada and Russia and of course Santa Claus himself, I have returned to find a backlog of supernatural news tips and comments. Thanks to every survivor who survived with SOS over the dark season! I’ll try now to catch up, starting with a supernatural news roundup of some global events that could sound your supernatural sonar this week, starting with:

Mermaid School Meh in Montreal

Bogus Mermaids in Montreal
Bogus Mermaids in Montreald

If you are of the Mermish mind, don’t be fooled by the siren song of this so-called “Mermaid School ” open in Montreal this week.

On the school’s website the school promises to teach “all the magic of mermaids, before inviting all Sirens or Tritons to apply for their $60.00 introductory course.

Which sounds like a great deal for all the magic of mermaids – who are of course mightily magical beings – but before you shell out, better read the whole site and let the truth sink in. The real mission of this school is far more modest than magic. The only magic here turns out to be mighty abs. That’s right, it’s a fitness class for the aquatically apt.

Now I’m not against any supernatural improvement resolutions for New Year’s. Fitness is imperative to survival and I encourage any survivor to train in their chosen domain and sharpen their skills, whether it be ninja fighting, pack running or time jumping but no real mermish will be challenged by a few laps in an indoor swimming pool, even under the instruction of a real mermaid of Triton, so do yourself a favor and save your shells for that trip to Atlantis.

President Adopts Werewolf Boy

This one’s the real thing, survivors. The President of Argentina has adopted a werewolf boy to save him from turning on the first Friday after his 13th birthday.

Many SOS survivors are painfully aware of the fact some parents will stop at nothing to suppress your latent lycanthropy ~ silver-titanium braces anyone?~ but what if they put you out for adoption like these parents described here?

The President Who Adopted a Werewolf
The President Who Adopted a Werewolf

It could happen if you live in Argentina and you have 6 older brothers.

In that country a rare form of lycanthropy is believed to be inherited by only the 7th son in a family.

Tradition states this 7th son will turn into a demon werewolf on the first Friday after his 13th birthday and become a killer every full moon thereafter.

So when a 7th son was born to parents Shlomo and Nehama, they figured rather than mess with witch spells and silver baths, they would put baby Tawil up for adoption instead.

I’m sure Tawil could do fare worse than find himself adopted by the president of his country, but let this be a lesson to young lycans everywhere. Things could be worse. You could be a werewolf in Argentina.

Now let’s hope the president is not surprised when this so-called quick-fix cure fails on the first Friday after Tawil’s 13th birthday. Writing to warn her today is on my to-do list. If you are a concerned werewolf, I would urge you to do the same.

Shopaholic Robot Turns to Crime

What do you get when you give a shopaholic robot an allowance of 100 bitcoin a week?

You get a drug dealing criminal cyborg, according to reports. The robot known as the Darknet Shopper has reportedly gone rogue, and has started dealing in ecstasy and fake passports this week.

While admittedly not the crime wave I most fear most from a rogue robot, this story should sound your SOS sense. It’s a short jump from dealing in contraband drugs and cards to guns and then what? Guns don’t kill people but cyborgs with guns most certainly do.

So be on the alert Survivors. And welcome to 2015 here on SOS. Long may we keep on keeping on.

Star or Angel On Which Will You Wish?

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O Wishful Night

As the Geminids light up the night sky this week, you like me may be preparing your wish for what is arguably the wishfullest night of the wish calendar year –  December 24.

Will you wish on a star or an angel this Christmas Eve?
Get Your One Wish Ready

(And no I’m not talking about Santa Claus. Not after that nasty letter he sent me about our Krampusnacht coverage here on SOS. That guy is on my naughty list, let me tell you.)

No I’m writing about that most ancient secret of Christmas Eve, when survivors of yore would remember to tuck one wish for the coming year at the very top of the tree to see it come to light with the returning sun. That’s because a true tree wish given to your angel or star by midnight on Christmas has special powers.

If this is not among your supernatural seasonal survival tactics yet, read on and learn.

5 Tips To Make Your Tree Wish True

1. Prepare Your Tree

If you haven’t already set your seasonal tree using the SOS tried and true tips for dark season decorating, you need to get popping! As every survivor knows, your tree is the key to surviving the season with dark spirits.

I would advise you to follow the link above for a quick review but in case your finger is broken here’s the highlights – a true survivor’s tree needs to feed the spirits of the season. Altho some people go for garlands of gumballs and colorful suckers, as everyone knows I’m an advocate for more hale and hearty spirit munchies like popcorn and marshmallow strings, traditional Christmas baconsil and the occasional hanging apple or muffin. (Just don’t drape your bacon directly over the lights or things could get drippy and your spirits smelly. Smelly spirits are not nice.)

And whatever you choose, don’t skimp on the stuff. You need enough in your tree to keep the spirits up – high up – in the branches, not roaming hungrily around your home.

2. A Traditional Tree Topper

Now I’m not going to wade into the angel or star? debate.  In my book, either will work. The important factor for a true tree wish tradition is to ensure that whatever symbol you place at the top of your tree, it needs to have a hiding place inside it. That’s where the wishes go by midnight Christmas Eve, tucked inside the hidden hollow.

3. Prepare Your Wish

Trickier than it sounds. Unlike a wish fountain you can’t just toss in your lucky coin and look for a collecting leprechaun to (maybe!) honor the deal. But you also don’t need an entire wishing team like for falling stars, so that’s good news. But your wish does need to be written by hand,  by you, the wisher, on a scrap of paper or paper like substance, just big enough to fit in the handy hole in the base of your ornamental star or angel.

That’s the easy part. The hard part is choosing your wish. That’s right one wish and one wish only for the coming year. A true wish.  An important wish. Not the kind you entrust to Santa’s wish machine but the kind of wish that will help you and yours to survive and thrive in the year ahead.

So choose your wish carefully and write it down.

4. Wishing Deadline is Midnight

Wishes must be delivered to the top of the tree by midnight, Christmas Eve in your time zone. There is no known exception to this rule, short of hopping on a plane and travelling halfway around the world or backward in time.

So don’t wait, get your wish done early and on top of your tree well before the clock strikes midnight. You may need help getting it up there so make sure if you’re using a ladder that you have a reliable ladder holder. Falling off a ladder to place your wish can quickly cancel the positive effect of wishing  – not to mention the black cat threat from below which I won’t even go into today.

5. Look For The First Light

When you wake on Christmas morning, if you can tear your eyes away from the bounty beneath your tree – or the lumps of coal as the case may be – look for the first rays of the new sun to touch the top of your tree for a sign.

What will you see? What kind of sign, you ask?

Unfortunately that remains unknown. Some say your angel will stir and come to life long enough to hand off your wish to a messenger of the light. Others say the star will shine blindingly bright for a brief moment and send it up in a burst of stardust. Me, I’m not sure on account of my love of sleeping in late – which is also an important survival skill.

All I know for sure is this. In 364 days when you look back on the year that was and think about your true tree wish, you will find that it did indeed come through for you. Maybe not exactly the way that you thought it would, but close enough to be true.

Black Friday Zombies – Survive the Mallocalypse

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TOP 3 BFZ SURVIVAL TIPS

Batten the hatches Survivors, it’s Black Friday. Are you ready for the Mallocalypse?

If you haven’t barricaded yourself in the basement with some leftover bird, take a minute to review your Black Friday Zombie (BFZ) survival skills. Remember these three tips today and in the seasonal shopping crush to come survivors, and your Black Friday survival is virtually guaranteed, 99.98%.

Black Friday Zombies
Black Friday Zombies

Often referred to as a BFZ or a Mally, the Black Friday Zombie is a unique strain of zombie, characterized by a tendency to move as a single-minded horde. It is this tendency which sets them apart from other zombies.

Now I know all zombies have a tendency to group but this is normally a function of numbers and random clotting that can arise from the simple-minded pursuit of fresh brains within a given space.

What makes the BFZ move as one of a mindless horde is still largely unstudied but most scientists suspect the effect of certain seasonal media signals on the virus could be causing otherwise bumbling brain-brunchers to go mad with a single purpose. Understanding this movement can make dealing with a Mally both easier in some ways and harder in others.

1. Bright Lights and Melodious Sound

Not unlike moths at night, the BFZ is uniquely prone to patterns of light and sound. This tendency gives rise to many myths about zombies in general but use this to your advantage today by equipping a lightweight, LED weapon and a noise making device like a bell or kazoo to lure the horde to an strategic location.

Note on bagpipes: Only work on Scottish BFZs.

2. Strategic Location

Obviously I don’t have to remind you to know your local mall here and to work with the geography you have. Luckily most malls have a water attraction or similar art installation that can at least provide you with a height advantage over the advancing horde. Wade to the middle of that fountain and/or climb up on the reindeer’s back. If the Christmas tree is up already, consider climbing that. Just make sure it has a secure base first.

3. Buy Time With Boxes

Another particular quirk of the BFZ – boxes. Like leprechauns with a shoe or a cat with a ball of catnip, the BFZ is easily distracted by a simple box.  It won’t stop them forever but a well-aimed spray of empty boxes at a BFZ horde should distract them long enough for you to make a clean getaway.

Of course if you don’t have a humane box cannon, or an ornate Christmas display at your mall you will have to equip these yourself. Shoe boxes in particular are very effective if unwieldy. Smaller, more colourful boxes are more practical both for equipping and aiming but are admittedly more expensive. Of course if you’ve staked out the mall tree or Santa’s sleigh as your home base, you may find a cache of ready ammo ready for you. Not to mention that sleigh may in fact be mobile and you could ride it right out the door.

That’s all for today Survivors. Keep on keeping on in this dark holiday season and be sure to do your Christmas zombie review before it’s too late.

Seth

SOS HALL OF FAME: REAPER

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Who Fears The Reaper?

ReaperMany of you know THE REAPER, as the reaper of souls and part time Taco–Enthusiast. But did you know he’s also a blogger? That’s right. THE REAPER’S TIPS (http://thereaperstips.wordpress.com/) is a survival blog much like Seth on Survival,  and while it’s not been updated for a while, it still has some valid survival tips that may just help you in the days to come.

THE REAPER first joined SOS in early 2012, he had apparently come to help us with KZAZIER VETENARI’s Cycle. But helped us with many other issues, including the ROYAL BABIES SUPERNATURAL IDENTITY (http://sethonsurvival.com/survival-resources/new-british-prince-vampire-like-grandpa-or-werewolf/comment-page-1#comment-289813)  and while his BOSS (http://sethonsurvival.com/survival-resources/the-yule-cat-cometh/comment-page-1#comment-297319) can be a bit friendly – er wait, Ex-Boss? – THE REAPER still seems to be on the side of survival.  – At least somewhat…is it just me, or is he constantly shifting sides? – He is a dedicated professional, and may have to go on a hiatus from the site from time to time. But he always returns with a quick quip, or an answer to some supernatural strangeness going on, on the site.

The God of Death as he calls himself, enjoys many things in his off time. From taking in stray survivors like Lilith or The Urban Squatch, to sitting down to a movie and a bowl of popcorn.

He can get a bit GRIMM at times, but in his line of work that is to be expected.

The Reaper and his friends – and frenemies – are always ready to help anyone on the site. Albeit in their own special ways.

He is the ‘King of the Reapers’ – or at least that’s his claim – and will almost always help a survivor in need.  Even at the cost of his soda.

He was even the headliner of a band known as Death on the Highway. – Who were the bandmates again? –  They were big in the 50’s, and were quote ‘Metal before Metal was cool’.

So congratulations to THE REAPER and the rest of you survivors out there. Just remember to stay off the Reapers list…even if we do have a handy list of tricks to get you off of said list…(http://sethonsurvival.com/survival-news/who-reaps-the-reaper-reaper-survival-101/)

And if you need to contact THE REAPER, try his SOTM page (http://sethonsurvival.com/survival-news/hunter-moon-survivor-month-2013). Or really anywhere on the site. He’s always somewhere around here…

Gargoyles Escape Locked Basement Still At Large

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SOS RED ALERT: GARGOYLES AT LARGE, DEEMED DANGEROUS…

Gargoyles at large in Worcester, Mass. USA
Gargoyles at large in Worcester, Mass. USA

Eight giant gargoyles reportedly escaped from a basement prison in Worcester, Massachusetts in the dark of the Tetrad Moon.

Survivors should be on the lookout for these gargantuan gargoyles, which are over 100 years old, stand 6 feet tall and weigh over 3000 pounds each.

Church official Debra Packard says the gargoyles were securely locked in a nearby basement facility for the safety of the town and were reported missing on the full moon.

Heeding an urgent radio call in the middle of the night last night, SOS’s Seth Greening temporarily suspended the site’s full moon party to launch an immediate investigation.

“Given the fact these gargoyles escaped at the height of the blood moon and the disturbing reports here on SOS pointing to the possibility of a new demon portal open here on Earth, I knew that survivors would understand a delay in the Hall of Famer announcement and immediately went to investigate.”

After inspecting the gargoyles basement prison, Seth confirmed the gargoyles were properly locked away at the time of their disappearance.

“Their heads were properly dismounted and secured in separate boxes, locked in a basement facility with no windows on the top of a hill,” he says. “This indicates clearly the gargoyles had outside help.”

But what kind of outside help?

The town locals suspect a group of human bankers with a plan to control the gargoyles’  power for their own ends.

“Not a bad theory. With the exception of pop stars, bankers are among the most likely humans to seek shady deals with the underworlds,” said Seth, adding that he is personally suspicious of a group calling itself The Protectors who have recently identified themselves to the site.

Until the plot can be unravelled and the gargoyles recaptured Seth alerts survivors everywhere to be on the lookout for gargoyles behaving suspiciously.

“Which is to say, behaving, like any way other than like a statue,” he elaborated.

Seth warns this is not as easy as it sounds, as gargoyles regain human form almost immediately once liberated from their stony stupors, and a  gargoyle in human form is not as easy to identify as one stuck on the outside of a church or government building.

“Some of them can shift in and out of statue form in an instant,” says Seth. “But look for the telltale rock-like cracks in their gray human skin, the stony look in their eyes and any humans who remain supernaturally heavy despite having an outwardly lean and hungry appearance.”

Seth says to immediately suspicious of stone gargoyles that are appear oddly placed. I’m talking about modern settings, like food courts or on public transit.

Survivors with any info that could lead to the re-capture of the gargoyles, or about their overall plan are urged to contact the site immediately.

And to keep on keeping on for the SOS Hall of Famer to be revealed without further ado, later today.

Big Asteroid Alert – Will 2014 RC Bring Blob Monsters?

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Mystery in the skies tonight as Survivors the world over but especially in New Zealand, prepare for the passage of what is being described as a “whale-sized” or “house-sized” asteroid, due to pass Earth TODAY, ten times closer than than our moon.

Will It Bring Blob Monsters?
Will It Bring Blob Monsters?

Recently discovered Asteroid 2014 RC will pass just 25,000 miles below the Earth, passing right by the ring of satellites that surround us at a distance of 22,000 miles.

At its closest point, the asteroid will whale above New Zealand at 20:18 tomorrow, Sunday September 7, 2014.

While NASA insists there is no cause for concern from a house-sized asteroid coming this close, many Earthlings, including this one, are choosing to remain vigilant.

At approximately 60 feet in size, Asteroid 2014 RC may be nowhere near as big as the one said to have destroyed the dinosaurs (110 miles big) or the collection of rocks predicted to hit us in March, 2880, but it is more than spacious enough to provide space transport to any number of alien visitors, blob monsters and/or intergalactic cargo.

Don’t believe me? It’s a known fact that house-sized asteroids are an important part of an intergalactic space transit system used by beings from all over the solar system and beyond.

Don’t believe me? Consider Russia. Last February, a meteor exploded above Chelyabinsk. Shortly thereafter, Dragons Breath Spikes began to appear in the Russian ice. Coincidence?

Maybe, maybe not. Did the asteroid explosion wake the ice dragons? Or deliver blob monster eggs that hatched beneath the ice?

We still don’t know, but keep your eyes on New Zealand in the weeks ahead for supernaturally suspicious circumstances.

And be prepared wherever you live for the arrival of Asteroid 2014 RC.

How to Prepare for Asteroid 2014 RC

1. Keep your eyes on the skies…

Don’t bury your head in the ice. Track the approach of Asteroid 2014 RC in your part of the world at any number of websites online, from NASA to Slooh that will help you calculate the exact time the asteroid will arrive above your house.

2. …but stay inside.

 You may be tempted to venture out with your telescope or your camera to catch the best view of Asteroid 2014 RC but this would be ill advised. If it is in fact an alien craft – which trust me, it is! – then it will probably explode like the one over Chelyabinsk either due to pilot error or a ship in disrepair OR it will be making “deliveries” along the way.

What kind of deliveries? Without a look at the ships’ log we can’t be sure, but if there are no BLOB MONSTER eggs or ALIEN ZOO tourists this time, there’s sure to be at least a few crates of powdered Bantha milk dropping from the sky to a designated spot near you. And unless you know where that spot is, you can’t be sure you’re not standing on it.

3. Check for Suspicious Craters

Not just on Monday but in the weeks ahead. Any new potholes or craters in your yard or on routes you regularly travel could indicate a drop. Should you encounter such a crater, inspect it immediately for any glowing material or suspicious ooze – not to mention giant tentacular beings who look like they just need a hug but might rip your head off instead.

Get samples if you can, but above all don’t touch anything with your hands! If you don’t have any lead-lined gloves handy, consult somebody who does.

There’s sure to be more than a few qualified researchers here on SOS, so leave a message. Your survival is guaranteed, supernaturally.