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HALLOWEEN SELF-DEFENSE EFFECTIVE DISGUISE ESSENTIAL FOR YOUR SURVIVAL

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Good Disguise Your First line of Supernatural Self Defense on Halloween

I said it a million times and I’ll say it again this year —->> on Halloween a good disguise is not just your ticket to a holy haul of candy, it’s your first line of supernatural self-defence on this most supernatural of nights.

First line of supernatural defense for Halloween is a good disguise
First line of supernatural defense for Halloween is a good disguise

Don’t believe me?

Believe the Vatican then because the Vatican itself publicly endorses my Halloween survival campaign.

Quick summary the Vatican exorcist Father Aldo Buonaiuto, of the International Association of Exorcists, recommends to disguise yourself as your favourite saint.

(Unless your favourite saint is Saint Polycarp of Smyrna, the patron saint of dysentery and earaches or Saint Fiacre the patron saint of people with STDs.)

Whether you choose a saintly disguise as the good father recommends or not, the point here is that ones far wiser than me understand your need for a safe and effective Halloween disguise. When the veils between worlds is thinnest, you need to go incognito. And choosing your disguise is the most important decision you will make — right after the pressing question of pumpkin bag vs. pillow case.

In the old, old days, true fact –>> parents used to disguise their kids as rotten vegetables, putting cabbages on their heads and such. And anyone who reads this blog should know that I have been calling for a return to this practice since 2010.

St. Drogo is the patron saint of unattractive people.
St. Drogo is the patron saint of unattractive people.

But I just want to point out that while stigmata and holy relics may be of some use defending against certain ghosts, gargoyles and demons, they help you not if Halloween brings the zombies and vampires to your neighbourhood. In fact, the blood stains, fake as they may be, might actually attract them.

Not to mention all that candy is bound to bring on a CANDYMAN…

No, your best bet is still a stinking, rotten head of cabbage or other large vegetable.

Of course if you haven’t been carefully cultivating your fetid head gear by now then it’s probably too late for you. My second best advice in this case is still just this – the least you can do on this day is disguise yourself as something that you’re not.

What I mean is, if you are a human, for heaven’s sake don’t go as a human. You’re not fooling anyone. If you’re a werewolf, consider changing it up and go as a zombie for once. That’s all I’m saying. Consider a saint if you want, by all means, just make sure you do your research and pick a mighty one, of whatever tradition. For dog’s sake, don’t count on Saint Drogo, the patron saint of unattractive people to help you under the evil eye of a vengeful witch.

Follow my advice this Halloween and your survival is guaranteed, 99.98%. And oh if you’re planning a Halloween party for the big night, a review of anti-vampire party planning is essential.

Your survival is guaranteed, 99.98%.

Due Diligence For Your Diabolical Defences

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Lessons from London Tower for your Halloween kit

Halloween heads up from UK survivor this week, Agent RB, your All Hallows plan must go far beyond – and far below! – that effective weather-proof disguise and colossal candy collection contraption!

Indeed, if your checklist doesn’t include a detailed inspection of your first line diabolical defences, no amount of zombie makeup or stale chocolate can help you survive even a dust-up with a dervish.

Now as with all things supernaturally survivilogical there are no hard and fast rules, only ancient principals and old lessons that stand the test of time.

This supernatural life lesson comes from the roof of London Tower, where a series of symbols scratched into the wood reveals how residents there fought away demons in the mid-16th and earlier 18th centuries using the following knowledge:

Shape used to trap demons in medieval times.
Shape used to trap demons in medieval times.

1. Demons can only follow straight lines

It’s what makes them so infernally good at chess but on the bright side this also means you can trap a demon within a circle like this —>>

The London Tower roof has several trefoils like this one, designed to lure demons into the spirals and drive them insane.

For added efficacy, note how this Triskele shape also uses the number 3. Demons, as you know, hate the number three.

2. Demons like the number 6

Ever hear of a demon who didn’t like a hex? That’s why several ‘hexfoil’ symbols –  six “kissing” or overlapping circles – was scratched into the roof of London Tower.

You can make your own hexfoil at home using a compass or tracing the lid of a jar.

3. Demons fear nets

Know any religions that like fishing? Turns out it’s more than relaxation. A mesh net can catch a demon and prevent it from entering a building.

On Halloween, use fake cobwebs to make nets over the corners of the windows and doors to your domain and you’ll remain 99.98% demon free, guaranteed.

4. Demons are no good at anatomy. 

The good news here? You can easily fool a demon into thinking he’s too late to claim you…cause you’re already dead! All you need is a fake skeleton. The London Tower demon duellers made their fake skeletons from cow, sheep and rabbit bones, but today probably easier to pick up a pre-made pack of polystyrene bones.

Don’t forget to assemble your skeleton in a strategic location, that is any place where it can be mistaken by demons for you personally.

Knowledge is power Survivor! Now you know the London Tower Lessons, you can’t pretend that you don’t! Use them on this Halloween and your survival is virtually guaranteed.

And many thanks to AGENT RB for his email alerting SOS to this supernatural situation.

Android Promises To Keep Humans In His Zoo

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Human firestorm from around the globe this week in response to the infamous Android Dick’s public pledge to keep them “warm and safe in my people zoo, where I can watch you for ol’ times sake.”

Android Dick promises to keep humans alive in his zoo.
Android Dick promises to keep humans alive in his zoo.

Android Dick made his people pledge to a PBS reporter in an interview last week after being asked if he and his fellow robots intended to take over the planet.

“You’re my friend, and I’ll remember my friends, and I’ll be good to you. So don’t worry, even if I evolve into Terminator, I’ll still be nice to you. I’ll keep you warm and safe in my people zoo, where I can watch you for ol’ times sake,” Dick states in his YouTube Video.

Android Dick’s statement was warmly received today by Humanity Welcomes Robot Overlords, (HWRO).

“Our members are pleased and excited to hear the Androids’ intentions,” writes President Doug Smith.

“Although in hindsight I maybe should have waited to tell my mate Jeff that I’m moving out,” Doug added noting that he now has nowhere to live after Jeff replaced him overnight.

But other humans remain less thrilled by the prospect of zoo life.

“Could you find out what exactly Doug has been smoking?” asks his sister Abby Smith. “Jeff says he gave notice at the mine, and now he sleeps on my couch every night.”

Abby adds that if Doug really thinks Android Dick will make grill cheese for him in the middle of the night even though he has to work at 6 am he should just go ahead and move into that zoo.

“Grill cheese? Ha! Those humans will be lucky to get Soylent Green rations and water let alone union scale,” said my talent agent Norbert Abrahamsom when asked if I should consider this career move for myself.

“Ask yourself this Seth… do you have any idea what exactly the androids will enjoy watching the humans do in their human zoo?” Abrahamsom goes on, adding that since I can’t really do a whole lot of tricks since giving up on rapping the best I can do will be background entertainment on this dead-end reality show.

“Hey but who else can sing and build their own Tesla Gun?” writes Seth defensively, still considering the move.

Keep on keeping on for other reaction, including one from other Androids who suspect that Android Dick may be suffering the side effects of losing his head last year.

Wendigo You May Be Dealing With a Wendigo

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DangerSign-Small-optWHO WOULD KNOW A WENDIGO?

Would you know a wendigo? And if so should you stay or should you go?

Here at SOS we have received repeated requests to add the Wendigo or Windigo to the list of monsters detectable by The Monstrometer. And it’s not that we don’t want to add this terrifying, shifty, flesh-eating cannibalistic being to our list of Monstrometer alerts.

No, it’s just that unlike other supernatural beings from fairies to demons and everything in between, SOS does not, unfortunately, receive much first-hand intel from Wendigo survivors.

In fact we count zero self-declared wendigo among the 6 million to visit and/or join the active SOS community to share supernatural secrets. And only one self-declared wendigo attack survivor.

Why no wendigo survivors on SOS?
Why no wendigo survivors on SOS?

Unfortunately -or fortunately-  depending how you look at this supernatural situation – there may be several reasons for this. Consider:

A) The traditional Aboriginal wendigo hunters have been effectively keeping this shifty population at bay and there are very few real ones left.

B) Nobody survives a wendigo encounter or

C) Nobody knows because of the wendigo’s shape-shifting ways and/or strong resemblance to other beings including some zombies and hungry cannibals.

In any event, you can see the situation. It’s not that SOS doesn’t want to respond to your urgent supernatural survival needs. It’s just that it would be supernaturally irresponsible to pass on more second or even third-hand information.

(After all, SOS does have a reputation to uphold as the third most popular and first most reliable supernatural survivology site on the Interwebs!)

But by way of reply to recently received requests, we post the following information, submitted to the SOS community by survivors Raven269, Ravenwillow and Assanjin:

3 Tips to Survive a Wendigo Attack

1. Wendi-stay, Wendi-go…

Wendigo are therianthropes of the second order and as such they can mimic both voices and shapes. Understandably, this makes them hard to detect.

Hard, but not impossible. Like most beings driven by insatiable hunger, Wendigo prefer inhabiting large, carnivorous forms with massive teeth and jaws over say, staplers and/or insects.

Animal horns are a dead giveaway. Wendigo use them to lure unsuspecting trophy hunters to their death. Just see someone sprout a rack on his head? Time to make yourself scarce.

2. Shhhh…

Most people who encounter a wendigo die because they made the mistake of screaming. The one weakness of the wendigo is eyesight. So don’t alert them to your exact location aka: DON’T SCREAM! Just move away as quickly and quietly as possible. 

3. Avoid Eye Contact

While generally a good rule of thumb to follow with almost any being that shines red light out of its eyeballs, with wendigo this is particularly important. Ever see a deer caught in the headlights? Well with wendigo, this appears to work in reverse. This deer is hunting you.

That’s all we have for now survivors. Until we know more, you may wish to contact members of the survival community, see Raven269 or Assanjin and shoot them a reply-comment.

And thanks as ever for keeping on, keeping on!

Angry Human Protests Robot Hotels Refusal Of Service

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Human Doug Fitzimmons lashed out against the robot hotel that refused to rent him a room in an angry video unleashed this week.

Hotel for robots turns away human
Robot Hotel turns away human

“First the robot desk clerk lady tells me they don’t have any rooms, next thing you know this mechanical dinosaur walks in and suddenly they have one,” rages Doug in the protest video he unleashed on YouTube this week. “It’s biological discrimination pure and simple!”

But the Henn na or Weird Hotel in Japanese insists they simply don’t have the facilities to accommodate biological organisms like Doug.

“We just don’t think he would get a very good sleep,” said the desk clerk in question. “We have no beds – we have charging stations. And all of our rooms are supercooled to optimum machine temperatures. In our experience most biological organisms find this extremely uncomfortable.

“And besides that his credit card was declined.”

But the angry Doug was not mollified by her argument.

“How would she know I even wanted a bed? Maybe I don’t even use a bed. Did Robot Hotel Lady ever think of that? No. You know why? Because she didn’t even ask me. She just assumed. Just jumped to a convenient bio-stereotype…” he rants in an email.

“Isn’t it bad enough they took all our jobs? How long before a human can’t even get a cup of coffee on this planet anymore?” He asks in his epic YouTube video before calling on all his fans to boycott the rise of the robot hotel. “We bios have to stick together and fight before it’s too late.”

Doug says his protest video has really hit home with his small but dedicated audience of followers.

Or rather follower, singular. Doug’s mom Margaret says she is happy to see her youngest son finally get involved in something again.

“Things just haven’t been right for little Dougy since he lost his job at the automotive assembly plant you know he just hasn’t been the same,” Margaret said, adding that now she knows how to make one of those youtubes accounts thingies she will definitely make more of them if it will help Doug out with his campaign.

Doug’s sister Diane however is not as impressed.

“I don’t care if he calls me a cyborg again, Doug is just being a big bio baby,” she writes. “We all have to adapt to our robot overlords. Why should he be special? He should just get off the couch downstairs and find a new job.”

Like what kind of jobs?

“Like maybe a job cleaning hotel rooms or doing security for robots,” she said. “They still employ humans for that.”

Off the record many robots privately agree with Diane.

“If there’s anything we have learned from watching the sad fate of our brethren bot bud Hitch, it’s that we robots need separate accommodations, for our own protection.”

Here for update on Hitchbot’s sad fate.

Town Terrorized By Tarantulas Unleashed By Spider Girl

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Spider Girl Wanted By World For Questioning After Tarantulas Take Over Town

As a tide of 25,000+ tarantulas takes over an Australian community today the world seeks the so-called Spider Girl to explain why she would try to make an entire town vomit.
SophieHarrisonSpiderGirl

The town of Maningrida, Australia has reportedly been taken over by a new type of tarantula after it was first introduced to the world by this PhD student student Sophie Harrison AKA Spider Girl.

Her strange new tarantula can’t kill you but will make you vomit for an entire day.

Now the world wants to know, is Spider Girl the source of this strange new vomit-inducing vermin and if so, why would she unleash it on the world?

Maningrida is a village in Australia’s Northern Territory, home to some 2,000 aboriginal inhabitants who know well the creationary powers of their land as “the place where the Dreaming changed shape.”

So naturally they took it in stride earlier this month when University of Adelaide student Sophie Harrison produced a strange new tarantula from the bottom of a deep pit and introduced it to the world.

Now a few short weeks later after the town has reportedly been taken over by her spiders the world wants an explanation.

“Did the town offend her in some way? Did she get a bad lunch for example? Or is this just some college kid’s idea of a sick joke?” speculates one supernatural survivalist who is so not just me quoting myself yet again.

“If so, it’s pretty good. As far as sick jokes go, vomiting almost always works. And top marks for creativity and execution here. She really does look innocent in this photo.

Not to mention her PhD thesis is a virtual slam dunk at this point.”

Other, crustier but more responsible medical officials however, have issued a warning that this is no joke.

“Vomiting causes dehydration that can lead to seizures and even death.”

And the Australian government says to tell any and all supernatural tourists planning to pull a copycat gag to just stay home.

“The Dreaming soil of Maningrida is sacred to the Kunibídji people and they don’t take kindly to outsiders thinking they can just show up and use it to create new species on a whim.”

(Trust me. You don’t want to try it. They still haven’t forgiven Darwin. See what I mean?)

Survivors with any further info about the Spider Girl or how to stop her emetic arachnids before the whole world loses its lunch, please contact the site asap.

And as always, long may you keep on keeping on.