Seth On Survival

Supernatural Survival HQ

You are here: Home / Archives for Survival Resources

Survival Resources

Don’t Let Dark Spirits Cramp-us Your Christmas Style

By 5 Comments

Five Supernaturally Simple Dos to Keep Away the Krampii  

Sure, defending against dark spirits like Krampus is a little more complicated than swapping your sweater to foil that crazy Icelandic Yule Cat but it’s not as hard as Hollywood makes it out to be and you probably don’t need any heavy artillery.

(Unless we’re talking Mallie zombies here… in which case you might want some heavy artillery.)

No, all you really need are few sound seasonal supernatural survivological principles like the following:

Anti-krampus cookie by Odinn
Anti-Krampus cookie by Odinn

1.  Do bake some cookies

Sure you could just buy some and yes they would be cheaper but their manufactured uniformity and scary ingredients list also appeals to the darkest spirits. 

Even your crumbliest anti-Krampus cookie or your burntest bundt, buche or brownie is more spiritually effective. Some recent survivilogical research suggests its the smell of the baking process itself that keeps the good spirits happy and the Krampus away. So don’t wait, fire up your oven today. 

2. Do keep the Yule fire or light burning.

Whether its the lights on your tree, the log in your grate or the candles in your menorah  the lights of the season are an essential part of guiding good spirits to your home who will keep the dark ones like Krampus at bay.

(The other essential factor?  Review the SOS guide to seasonal survival, decorating for self-defense. In a word, it’s all about the baconD…)

3. Do remain mindful of all your old toys before moving on to the new.

Neglecting old toys is a a supernaturally bad idea. In the icy claws of a bad spirit like Krampus, old toys become a supernaturally good weapon or juju prop. It’s all about showing care and gratitude. So before demanding anything new this year, review the old with gratitude and find a good home for anything you don’t want anymore. 

4. Do remember the true spirit of season.

Here’s a hint – it’s about self-sacrifice and giving to others. Yes it’s a cliche but it’s also basic supernatural survivological self-defense. Geneticists still aren’t sure why or how yet but we do know now that practice this spiritual truth will survive the darkest hours while those who don’t… don’t. 

So don’t give any Krampuses – Krampii? –  a  hairy cloven hoof in the door of your spiritual wheelhouse. This season focus on what you can do for others.

5. Do keep that Krampus gift. 

Some say it will be a lump of coal, others that it will be a bell signed by the dark lord himself. Whatever it is, when you unwrap this strange gift you will know you survived an encounter with evil and likely saved someone you love – but just by the skin of your teeth. So keep the gift as a reminder to keep making the supernatural effort to keep your spiritual self-defenses up all year around.

Need more SOS seasonal supernatural self-defense? Find some here.

 

When Krampus Komes Will You Survive or Be Dragged Down?

By Leave a Comment

Dos and Don’ts For Krampus Survival

Krampus, the second most feared spirit of the season is officially on the loose tonight and sure to be roaming a street near you. Don’t be dragged to the depths of despair by this creepy Christmas cryptid, read and prepare your survival plan today.

An SOS red and green alert.

Cramps comes tonight!
Krampus comes tonight!

Krampusnacht, December 6 marks the start of Krampus’ killer season as official enforcer of the naughty list.

He comes armed with birch whips and chains for sure, and possibly killer cookies and elves, to drag you adn the ones you love most down the depths of the nearest hellevator shaft or portal.

But don’t despair. Armed with SOS handy list of Dos and Donts, you too can cramp Krampus’ killer style.

Tonight we start with the DON’T list

DON’T:

1. Don’t talk trash about Santa Claus. 

Old Krampus is St. Nick’s sidekick and enforcer, some say his older uncle, the original keeper of the naughty list. A demonic dude of the genus gargoylious seaonalus,  some say Krampus is the progenitor of all grinches.

2. Don’t complain about the food.

Nobody cares if you hate your aunt Greely gross fruit cake suck it up and smile. Otherwise you risk raising the ire of the Spirit of the Season that bring Krampus down on your Christmas.

3. Don’t peek at your gifts

A little shake and sniff is far enough don’t even think about peeling a corner of that paper. Think nobody would notice? Think again. He sees you when you’re sleeping… you really think he’ll overlook this one?

4. Don’t bite the head of that gingerbread! 

For Christmas sake, start with a hand or a foot, at least until you are certain it doesn’t move or talk. That said, collecting only the heads is equally creepy so… use some discretion here. If there’s a polite way to consume the face of a vaguely human-shaped cookie, I urge you to find it before Krampus and his killer cookies find you first.

5. Don’t ditch your family.

You might want to hang with your friends but now is not the time. No, the spirits of the season demand you spend it en familia, soaking in some wise elder ways… or else… Would it kill you to hear Bubbies’s Hanukkah story one more time? No? Then listen up and learn it because the alternative just might.

And now you know what NOT to do. Stay tuned tomorrow night when we do the DOs. Until then, you would do well to review the intel on that other nasty spirit, the Icelandic Yule Cat and his cousin the GRINCH.

SOS Supernatural Survival Guarantee

By Leave a Comment

*Restrictions On the SOS Supernatural Survival Guarantee*

We stand behind our advice here at SOS that has saved virtually millions of lives already. With our advice we guarantee a positive survival result 99.98% of the time – or your money/time back. 

Some restrictions however, remain in effect. Please review the following before contacting me seth@sethonsurvival.com to claim your refund or demand that I roll the survival counter back:

*This guarantee should be broadly interpreted as survival in any form. Not even SOS can guarantee your eternal continuance in any one state of being, form or time.

** This Offer is not valid for employees, family and friends of Seth on Survival. Void on Friday the 13th, Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, Black Noodle Day, Cinco de Mayo, Valentines Day, New Years Day, Groundhog Day, Buddhist Festival of the Tooth, Christmas, April Fools Day, Solstice, Equinox, Thanksgiving, Sinter Klaas Day, Ninja Day, Talk Like A Pirate Day or Chanukah.

Why Wait to Win the Wishing Season

By Leave a Comment

Fight Wish Waste 4 Wish Winning Ways

With falling star season upon us again, star wishers wonder what’s the winningest way to pin your wish on 60 to 100 stars per hour as they fall like fireworks from the sky all around you?

Don’t let the Season of the Wish pass you by. Be it the Geminids in September, the Draconids in mid-October and or the Leonids in November, don’t let this opportunity go to waste. Start wishing right, tonight.

Perseid Showers

1. Don’t Be Wishy Washy

It might seem fun or cute to start wishes with folksy rhymy old-timey preambles like:

Starlight starbright, first star I see tonight…

But that would be wishing wrong for so many reasons. For starters, with stars falling at a rate of 1.4 per second, how do you even isolate the first one you see?

For enders, this little rhyme effectively cuts off your ability to apply it to the 99 other stars falling around you. And don’t even get me started on:

I wish, I wish, I wish upon this star… <<insert rhyming wish here like: afar/jar/peace in Dakar…>>

Ever tried that one? And did your wish come true? Exactly my point. Be clear about your wish, write it down in the least possible words long before the sun sets and don’t worry about making it rhyme.

2. Technology Enhanced Wishing

Use NASA's Swift telescope to wish on the comet itself.
Use NASA’s Swift telescope to wish right on the comet itself.

Obviously even if you have reduced your wish to a single word with a single syllable like say, <<CAR>>, your ability to effective allocate this short wish to the shower of falling stars around you is still limited by two factors:

1. Your ability to see and

2. Your ability to speak as fast as stars can fall.

And let’s face it, loftier wishes are just harder to make. It requires a lot more words to wish for peace, security, dignity and long, healthy lives for every being on the planet or even to specify what you want on that pizza. And how many words can you say in one second? Try timing it and you’ll get my point.

No, you need technology to enhance your wishing. What technology? There’s a few options, most of them not invented yet. Maybe nobody has wished for it yet. So my wish plan for tonight is this; wish at the source!  That’s right, you pin your wish right on comet  that gives birth to all those falling stars and then you can get most of that debris before it burns through our atmosphere.

Easy. Now you just need an orbital telescope. Supply is limited, call NASA now to book yours.

3. Socially Enhanced Wishing

Friends can be the right tool for any job. Just ask Graham. With more wishers involved in any wish delivery, you’ll have a better chance of hitting all the stars and therefore maximize your wish fulfilment rate, guaranteed. I recommend a wish party. At least 4 – 8 wishers should do the trick. Then at the appointed hour you must:

1. Agree on a wish. This is the hard part. Too many wishers makes a wash. Face it, you’ll never agree.

2. Assume proper wish delivery formation.

Two ways:

Marty Ness and his friends demonstrate proper formation for wishing on a meteor shower.
Marty Ness and his friends demonstrate proper wish delivery formation.
  • Laying on your backs, take off your shoes and put your feet together.*
  • Laying on your back, put your heads together and hold hands.

*Thanks to Marty Ness and his friends for this correction on wish delivery formation. Apologies to any survivors whose wishes failed as a result of the previous description. 

3. Divide up the sky. I suggest using constellations as your guide.

4. Wish wish wish!

Non-wishers never win. True they may not be disappointed, but then they have to live in a universe where wishes can’t come true.

Remmber, just because science can describe many of the physical and material facts that surround a phenomenon, doesn’t mean there’s nothing spooky and unexplained left to find. Just ask any physicist and they will tell you to never stop wishing.

Friday the 13 Fears Follow City’s New Number Law

By 1 Comment

Canadian City Fears Friday the 13 As Unlucky Number Returns

Vancouver city residents in fear today as a planned reversal of Friday the 13 preparedness planning brings back unlucky numbers including the number 13 to all city buildings — just in time for Friday the 13.

“We’re just putting a normal mathematical sequence back into building design,” says Chief Building Officer Pat Ryan.

Ryan, who denies working with both the psychopathy and witch communities to bring back unlucky number 13 calls it a question of public safety.

Ryan says that missing floors pose a danger to emergency services like police and paramedics who would arrive to find them gone.

But at least one Vancouver resident says he would rather face the treacherous void of a missing floor on Friday the 13 than a chainsaw in his face.

Friday the 13 brings UFO WTF
Friday the 13 brings UFO WTF

“There’s always hope someone can free you from a void…but a missing face? That’s a tough one,”  said Brian Jones who lives at what was formerly 1414 14th St. Now 1313 13th St. “Psychopaths don’t fool around on Friday the 13.”

This Friday the 13 it’s not just psychopaths and witches bring the bad luck back to Vancouver – it’s a UFO known as WTF1190F on collision course for Earth this Friday the 13.

“With my luck I fully expect to find my home crushed by this UFO at 13:13 tomorrow,” said Brian who is reviewing his personal Friday the 13 action plan as we speak.

Secret Ghost Soldiers of World War II

By Leave a Comment

Real Ghost Soldiers Speak About Spectral War

Have you met the real Ghost Soldiers of World War II? Yes, it’s that time of year, at least around here in the Northern Hemisphere when the ghosts will roam, each with a spooky story to moan.

Some, like the real Ghost Soldiers of World War II come complete with a bestseller and a publicist.

Ghost soldiers Speak
Ghost soldiers Speakne

As you and I both know, nothing contributes more ghosts to the supernethersphere than history and in history perhaps no event more than World War II,  but did you know a secret ghost battalion helped the allies to win the war?

Whether you heard the whole spooky story or like me you just clicked on the book cover, the true facts of these secret soldiers is in a nutshell, this. In the final days of World War II, a small band of ghost soldiers were hired to haunt the enemy along the front lines.

Armed only with scary shadows and sounds, these ghost soldiers of WWII successfully spooked the enemy on some 20 occasions to save literally thousands of lives.

So this supernatural season be sure to thank a ghost soldier for his service – perhaps with a piece of cherry pie.

(It’s true, ghosts like the cherry pie…)

Remember spook sightings start at Halloween with the witches and cats and stay ’til the festive season when demons and angels dominate the supernatural sphere with their celestial shenannigens.

Ghost Soldiers of WWII
Ghost Soldiers of WWII