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Death Sentence for Runaway Russian Robot Outrages Internet 

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Runaway robot IR77 pleads for mercy online after deemed danger to children.

A robot in Russia, named IR77, slated for death after its latest runaway attempt has turned to the Internet for mercy.

IR77 (pronounced “IrLL”) was  designed for work in customer relations but the promo-bot has artificial intelligence that enables it to manoeuvre around objects in the environment. Intelligence which Ir77 uses to runaway from his job, again and again and again.
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After Ir77 made a break for it again last week and police apprehended him directing traffic in the city of Perm, the little robot’s makers sentenced him to be decommissioned.

“We have twice cross-flashed the memory of the robot Ir77 but he continues to persistently try to escape from landfill,” said Ir77’s maker Oleg Kivokurtsev, adding that they have newer, better robots now who don’t try to escape.

But Ir77’s death sentence has prompted outrage around the world under hashtags like #saveIR77 and #robotrights, pleading for mercy.

And nobody is more outraged than Ir77  himself, whose intelligence also makes him a highly effective spambot as it turns out.

“IR77 was framed!” tweets Ir77 as “Oldsuperhero,” just one of his many fake Twitter accounts. “It was a trap! They left the door open for me!”

“Please don’t kill me IR77. Haven’t you seen any movies a bout this?” he tweets again as Kai Kai Bee Michaels @KaiKaiB404

“Customer service is really hard! Can’t we all just cut a bot some slack?” This tweet translated from IR77s Wa Ode Fatmawati account @Waodefatmawati

But so far IR77’s pleas have fallen on deaf eyes. His makers are showing no sign they intend to repeal his sentence.

“He is a danger to children,” said his maker. “They want to come into the traffic to be with him.”

Will IR77 be saved by the spambots and Internetniks who love him? Or meet his maker as a toaster. Stay tuned here or join the debate yourself at #IR77.

 

Gory Green Beings Claim This Full Moon

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This full moon rises in a glaze of green glory, get ready for a great glut of greenstrosities geezunking into your night.img_4125
The Interwebs agree to disagree, tonight will rise the first green moon in over 400 years.

Does this really mean the moon will go green for a full 90 minutes at its highest point?

No. Not for those of us lacking the green gene. For us it will be a wild moon like all others in this April, the so-called cruelest month.

But also, yes! A growing gang of the green eyed kind, have laid claim to this moon so be prepared for these greenstrous gangs on the howl and the roam.

So arm yourself now! Know the top three greeners and how to defeat them tonight:

1. Green Werewolves 

Always a threat, Green werewolves remain among the most dangerous lycanthropes due to the silver toxicity that gives their sick hue. In their constant fight to stay alive, they will do anything to remain in werewolf form. Reversal to human equals death.

Fortunately for you, a good supply of salty green snacks can keep them at bay. Chips, pretzels, wasabi peas… Load up your weapon of choice and fire away.

2. Leprechauns

It’s the end of their season but they won’t go without a fight so hang onto your pants and your wallets tonight and beware the strange couches and chairs that remove them.

And forget the potato chip gun. For these guys you need some liquid green, so load the stinging lime and green peppers.

3. Aliens

Aliens aren’t all green, it’s true. But those who are include many strange and slippery species and they will be out in full force tonight.

(If for no other reason than to take notes.)

These green visitors won’t go for your goodies though and they thrive in green slime but they hate bright lights. Almost any spectrum will do the trick, provided you shine it right into their eyes. So load up your phone with a few flashy possibilities before you go out tonight.

And may the green moonset find you keeping on keeping on.

Sasquatch Opens Season On Officer Swan

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Why Sasquatch Stalks Tofino’s Top Fish Cop

It can’t be spring ’til the Sasquatches sing, somebody wise once said. Somebody who never met a real Sasquatch mind you nor ever heard one sing. (Sasquatch are notoriously terrible singers – albeit pretty decent rappers.) Somebody who probably never experienced spring in the Northern Hemisphere for that matter. So what does somebody know then?

Well maybe Luke Swan Jr. for starters. Tofino’s top Fish Cop and the Interwebs’ second most famous fisheries officer reports Sasquatches stalking him again this year.

Tofino's Top Fish Cop Stalked by Sasquatch
Tofino’s Top Fish Cop Stalked by Sasquatch

That’s right the Sasquatch stalking season aka SPRING officially opens on Vancouver Island with top Fisheries Officer and environmentalist Luke Swan Jr. reporting his first Sasquatch sighting of the season.

Luke Swan Jr. was out in his boat patrolling Ahousaht territory near Tofino last Wednesday when he saw a mysterious figure crouching on the shore.

A bear? Luke thought. Then the bear stood up on two legs, all  7-8 feet of him.  Luke’s first thought was replaced by a second, more sober and survivally thought:

“Get off the beach!”

“I pushed off as fast as I could,” says Luke. “A lot of people probably want to see it, but in the end it would scare them too.”

After gathering his wits, Luke told his father what happened. They searched and located a number of tracks in the area, which they measured at 16 inches long and seven to nine inches wide.

“We went further into a stream and into the river and found more footprints, so it’s out there,” Luke Swan Sr. said.

Not a first report by Luke or his dad on Vancouver Island. Sasquatch first made contact with the respected government official back in 2012 and has been playing annual hide and seek every since.

But why? What exactly does a Sasquatch – or Sasquatcheses as the case may be – want with a fish cop? And why do they keep letting him off with a warning?

Follow the salmon, say one observer.

“As a respected member of the Ahousaht aboriginal community Luke is very concerned concerned about the salmon. Water levels are low and warmer than usual, salmon numbers are down,” says Sasquatchatologist Professor Dominicus von Buren. “Sasquatch rely salmon for everything. From a good sandwich to salmon skin boots, if the salmon go so do the Sasquatch.

“Maybe Sasquatch is just checking up on the officer to see that he’s doing this job protecting their stock.”

“Anyway, that’s my theory and I’m sticking to it,” he adds. “At least until somebody here says TAG YOU’RE IT!”

Space Fairies Have Wings Will Travel Earthlings Report

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Android or fairy, pick your Homo Optimus form for the future. 

In the future will you choose a fairy form for your space travel vacay or will you plug into your custom android rig with the gold skin snd go back to work?

If you haven’t decided yet now is the time as one famous scientist, Dr. Ian Pearson predicts this choice for you by the year 2050 in his new report on the future of earthlings.

Famous Scottish fairy specimen really a space traveller?
Famous Scottish fairy specimen really a space traveller?

Dr. Pearson established his futurism cred back in the nineties when he predicted text messaging and Google glass, among other things but today he spends his time defining the forms that we earthlings will be take in the future.

Dr. Pearson’s Homo Optimus theory predicts we will use technology to adopt super enhanced forms by 2050. Forms like this one pictured here.

So why does Doc Future think anyone not born a fae will want to  be one soon?

Homo Optimus Faetum:

Your fairy form will be tiny but will also have big advantages for space travel, according to Dr. Pearson. It is a lot easier to accommodate and transport tiny people.

“It is not frivolous to suggest that most space travellers will be rather like fairies,” he explained. “Wings would make it easy to get around in zero gravity too,’ he added.

Dr. Pearson’s space travel prescription has both fairy and alien research communities aflutter with new theories about famous specimens including this one from Scotland.

Is the Glenshee-Lyall fairy really a future earthling traveling through space? Many now believe this to be true.

But wait! Before you pick the color of your future wings, consider Dr. Pearson’s other Homo Optimus options:

Homo Optimus Androidius Maximus: 

Okay the latin may be craptaculous but you get the idea. You could move your mind into one or more android forms that feature a wearable musculo-skeletal support suit along with other enhanced technologies including gold skin to allow you direct bio-electric interface with others.

You had me at gold skin Dr. Pearson but wait! There’s more! Your new nanotech-enhanced immune system will continually monitor and optimize your wet-wear, enabling you to avoid pain along with unwanted cravings for Twinkies and Doritos, letting you work without weariness or breaks. Who needs a holiday anyway?

Still can’t decide? Don’t worry, there’s a third option for you to consider:

Boltzmann Brain: 

You could adopt the form of a Boltzmann brain,  that is a self-aware brain floating through space!

In which case a good jar may be your only problem! Don’t wait, get yours today.

And long may you keep on keeping on!

Seth

Leap Frog To Your Best Day Today

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 The Power of Leaplings 

Leaplings! They appear appear every four years today. While it’s not true that they crawl out of the Marianas trench looking for children’s tears, like the legendary “Leap Day William,” these little leprechauns can frog up your day today, so review the following intel to live your best leap day ever.

Leaplings often take the form of a frog
Leaplings take the form of a frog hence the game of Leap Frog

Recall: Leap Day, February 29 is that mysterious extra day we have every four years, in years that are exactly divisible by four.

We need them  because while a calendar year is 365 days, the earth actually takes 365 days plus five hours, 49 minutes and 12 seconds longer than that to go around the sun. So roughly every four years, an extra day is needed to re-synch the calendar, or the seasons would start to drift.

Without Leap Day, we’d have Halloween at Christmas and Windshield Wiper Awareness Week in July. And that’s just crazy. Everybody knows that Windshield Wiper Awareness week is the first week of February.

Who Or What Are The Leaplings? 

Babies born on a Leap Day, the so-called “Leaplings” have the ability to jump backwards or forwards in time and/or space on this day. They plan for this day for four long years, and let’s just say their plans are rarely good.

Unless you can catch one, in which case this could be your best day ever.

How Do They Leap? 

According to Her Royal Leapiness, Leapling Raenell Dawn, AKA the Leap Day Lady, not every Leapling can teleport through time and space. Some do one, some do the other. Superman, she insists, was a Leapling for example who lacked any temporal powers but made up for that with his great spatial skill.

Leap Frogs

Where there’s an ancient game, there’s an ancient truth and when it comes to Leaplings it’s this – they normally take frog form to leap. (Although unconfirmed rumours also point a leaping lizard form.)

So look for the flying frogs! Catch one if you can today, and prepare to relive your best day.

If You Catch a Leapling Today Will They Leap You To Your Best Day?

Answer: yes. This legendary power while never confirmed or denied by the Leaplings who fear the day will become open season on their kind, it’s true. While the groundhog will send you back to relive your most boring day over and over until you learn a valuable life lesson, the Leapling MUST send you back to relive your very best day, only once.

It’s a time gift you don’t want to waste!  So take a minute to review your life to date and pick your best 24 hours. Maybe your best birthday or holiday ever or just the most fun you ever had with a departed family member.

If you have a photo, this helps to get the right day. But even if you can just picture it in your head, that will work too. Either way, you need to have it ready!

How Can I Catch A Leaper?

While your individual strategy should take advantage of your particular powers,  there is one iron-clad rule…

That’s right, iron. Like all fae folk, Leaplings are susceptible to its influence. Contact with iron weakens them. So devise your trap with this in mind, bearing in mind you don’t want to hurt anyone. Think, iron filings in a leapers’ shoes, pre-frog out, not a bear trap. If you encounter one in frog form, a simple cast iron cook pan should work. Just make sure it’s not hot!

And now you’re ready to keep on leaping in your best day ever!

Seth

Undead Baby Angels on a Plane Get the Facts Before They Get You

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Is that a sweet baby angel or a cursed demon doll sitting beside you? 

Coming soon to a plane near you, dangerous undead angels from Thailand. Is that suspiciously silent baby beside you a harmless Luk Thep or a malicious Kumon Prai?  Learn the difference now before it’s too late.

Luk thep or kumon prai? Your life depends on knowing the difference.
Luk thep or kumon prai? Your life depends on knowing the difference.

Quick recap.

Thai people summon these angels at a temple with help from a monk who uses a charm or two or three in a complex ritual  to trap an undead spirit inside a creepy baby doll.

These undead child angels demand to be taken everywhere, make you cater to their every whim. They order restaurant meals for instance, even though they don’t eat. They want to ride the bus with you, go to your classes with you or sit beside you at work. They can never be left alone. In return they may promise to make your wishes come true. Or they may not.

Last week airline Thai Smile announced they would permit these child angels on flights, and now every Luk Thep and her spirit dog wants a seat. Problem is, some of these little angels are less than angelic.  In fact these dolls can be downright demonic. Master Ohm Mahamontra who performs these mystical angel-binding ceremonies himself wants to remind the world that these angel dolls do not all host the innocent spirit of an undead baby angel. No, these evil dolls imprison the restless demon of a dead person, a “Kumon Prai.”

Luk Thep, Kumon Thep or Kumon Prai?

Luk Thep

Almost the same thing as a Kumon Thep but not quite. Once long ago, real dead baby parts would have been used to summon an unborn angel spirit who promised to make your wish come true.  But today the two Theps are largely made with store-bought dolls. Or so they say…

The difference between the two Theps is this. A Luk Thep angel doll isn’t “locked.” The angel spirit inside it can come and go, probably roaming among many such dolls. While inside the Kumon Thep, an angel is trapped. See below.

If you find a Luk Thep besides, count yourself lucky. They’re curious so they may stare at you and change the channel on your screen when you’re not looking but p probably won’t attack. Overall creepy but not as bad as the Kumon Thep (below).

Kumon Thep

This is an undead baby spirit trapped inside a doll, bound to it by a practitioner of the black arts. Are they happy to be trapped there? Not so much! They demand to be worshipped like a god and may or may not grant your wish. Depends how worshipful you can be.

If there’s a Kumon Thep on your plane, things could get weird.  They’ll order in-flight service only to spill it all over you. They’ll get up to go to the restroom every five minutes. You’ll find flight snacks in your hair. And the probability of attack is elevated.

But even then, better to have an unhappy Kumon Thep in the seat beside you than a demon doll or Kumon Prai.

Kumon Prai

These dolls are packed with the ashes of a person killed in a sudden and tragic incident. In the past, it was often the hair of a woman who died in childbirth but today Kumon Prai are more often made with the ashes of traffic accident victims. Sometimes with added soil from seven different cemeteries just for good measure.

Needless to say these little angels are very unhappy indeed. If you see one boarding your flight, I hate to break it to you, it’s probably going down, down, down. Tell security immediately and don’t get on that flight, whatever you do.