Air force approves zombie pilots for flight using controversial zombie cure
Meet the military force expanding its ranks using a controversial zombie treatment technology known as trans-cranial direct current stimulation (tDCS) and the groaners on both sides.
Even if you’re not a zombie (yet!) you’ve probably heard about this controversial “zombie cure.”
Maybe you’ve even used a zombie zapper yourself following a close call with an infected walker. Haven’t we all at least once?
Whether you ordered a portable kit online or made your own device like me using some wire, a couple washers and a nine volt battery – you probably blamed the bald spots and hairnet on your new job at the local Fried Foodlike Fingers joint.
And if it worked, the electric shocks delivered to your cranium may have saved your consciousness long enough to force a retreat of the zombie pathogens – if you weren’t too far gone already that is.
But I, unlike many less truthful supernatural survivologists who would sell you their signature devices, would never call tDCS a “zombie cure.” At best, Z-zap tech is a lifelong treatment that requires reapplication at consistent intervals. Sure, maybe you can manage your condition with a portable unit – until the day you forget to charge your batteries or shave the side of your head.
But even with strict adherence to protocol, the constant headaches and nausea could make you pull the plug and go full zombie just for some relief.
Considerations like these, however, have never stopped the world’s militaries experimenting with tDCS to recruit zombies into their ranks. The allure of a giant army of shamblers hooked up to one centrally controlled current has occurred by now to any military force with two nickels to rub together. Zombies are still much cheaper than cyborgs and robots or humans after all, making them ideal ground forces fodder.
Only now though has anyone wanted zombies to fly. The sheer number of decisions required to keep a plane in the air was considered too complicated, even for a new Stage Oner still able to pass all acuity tests.
Now those days are over! Thanks to a series of successful air force experiments at the Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, near Dayton, Ohio, zombie soldiers are now clear for take off.
A move being hailed with groans from the ground all around.
“Ggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeaaeeeeeeeaat nooooeeews,” said one zombie soldier when he heard the news and who indicated his intention to apply to the Top Gun program immediately.
Groans too from human, Bernhard Sehm, a cognitive neurologist at the Max-Planck Institute concerned about tDCS and the military. Sehm says online here that the real-world scenarios and complex demands of combat should not involve the use of zombie zappers.
“The enhancement of one specific ability might result in deterioration of another,” he says. “To use non-invasive brain stimulation in soldiers poses a risk both to the person receiving and to other persons who might be harmed by his actions.”
Not to mention the expense of drool-proofing the cockpits, he added off the record.