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Archives for April 2016

Adopt A Zombie Seeking Greener Garden

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Can Claude the garden zombie claw his way to a new home in a garden near you after Nashville shows him the shovel?

Zombie seeking new garden in nice neighborhood
Zombie “Claude” seeks new garden in nice neighborhood
 
Claude the zombie lived peacefully in the Grinstead garden since 2010, until last week when the home owners association of Nashville ordered his eviction.

‘During a recent inspection of the community on April 19, 2016, it was noted that there is a zombie in your yard that needs to be removed,” reads the letter received by home owner Jim Grinstead. 

The letter surprised Jim who knew about Claude but not about any opposition to him in the neighborhood. 

“We never had any complaints. Claude kept the yard nice,” says Jim. “The soil was always aerated and he never left any dead things laying around.”

While Claude’s only public comment so far has been, {sic}  “Nnnrrrgh,” Jim says his undead friend now needs a new home and garden. 

To adopt Claude – whose name incidentally is pronounced “claw-Ed” as opposed to the French pronunciation “cload,” – leave a message below for Jim Grinsby and keep on keeping on…

Gory Green Beings Claim This Full Moon

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This full moon rises in a glaze of green glory, get ready for a great glut of greenstrosities geezunking into your night.img_4125
The Interwebs agree to disagree, tonight will rise the first green moon in over 400 years.

Does this really mean the moon will go green for a full 90 minutes at its highest point?

No. Not for those of us lacking the green gene. For us it will be a wild moon like all others in this April, the so-called cruelest month.

But also, yes! A growing gang of the green eyed kind, have laid claim to this moon so be prepared for these greenstrous gangs on the howl and the roam.

So arm yourself now! Know the top three greeners and how to defeat them tonight:

1. Green Werewolves 

Always a threat, Green werewolves remain among the most dangerous lycanthropes due to the silver toxicity that gives their sick hue. In their constant fight to stay alive, they will do anything to remain in werewolf form. Reversal to human equals death.

Fortunately for you, a good supply of salty green snacks can keep them at bay. Chips, pretzels, wasabi peas… Load up your weapon of choice and fire away.

2. Leprechauns

It’s the end of their season but they won’t go without a fight so hang onto your pants and your wallets tonight and beware the strange couches and chairs that remove them.

And forget the potato chip gun. For these guys you need some liquid green, so load the stinging lime and green peppers.

3. Aliens

Aliens aren’t all green, it’s true. But those who are include many strange and slippery species and they will be out in full force tonight.

(If for no other reason than to take notes.)

These green visitors won’t go for your goodies though and they thrive in green slime but they hate bright lights. Almost any spectrum will do the trick, provided you shine it right into their eyes. So load up your phone with a few flashy possibilities before you go out tonight.

And may the green moonset find you keeping on keeping on.

Sasquatch Opens Season On Officer Swan

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Why Sasquatch Stalks Tofino’s Top Fish Cop

It can’t be spring ’til the Sasquatches sing, somebody wise once said. Somebody who never met a real Sasquatch mind you nor ever heard one sing. (Sasquatch are notoriously terrible singers – albeit pretty decent rappers.) Somebody who probably never experienced spring in the Northern Hemisphere for that matter. So what does somebody know then?

Well maybe Luke Swan Jr. for starters. Tofino’s top Fish Cop and the Interwebs’ second most famous fisheries officer reports Sasquatches stalking him again this year.

Tofino's Top Fish Cop Stalked by Sasquatch
Tofino’s Top Fish Cop Stalked by Sasquatch

That’s right the Sasquatch stalking season aka SPRING officially opens on Vancouver Island with top Fisheries Officer and environmentalist Luke Swan Jr. reporting his first Sasquatch sighting of the season.

Luke Swan Jr. was out in his boat patrolling Ahousaht territory near Tofino last Wednesday when he saw a mysterious figure crouching on the shore.

A bear? Luke thought. Then the bear stood up on two legs, all  7-8 feet of him.  Luke’s first thought was replaced by a second, more sober and survivally thought:

“Get off the beach!”

“I pushed off as fast as I could,” says Luke. “A lot of people probably want to see it, but in the end it would scare them too.”

After gathering his wits, Luke told his father what happened. They searched and located a number of tracks in the area, which they measured at 16 inches long and seven to nine inches wide.

“We went further into a stream and into the river and found more footprints, so it’s out there,” Luke Swan Sr. said.

Not a first report by Luke or his dad on Vancouver Island. Sasquatch first made contact with the respected government official back in 2012 and has been playing annual hide and seek every since.

But why? What exactly does a Sasquatch – or Sasquatcheses as the case may be – want with a fish cop? And why do they keep letting him off with a warning?

Follow the salmon, say one observer.

“As a respected member of the Ahousaht aboriginal community Luke is very concerned concerned about the salmon. Water levels are low and warmer than usual, salmon numbers are down,” says Sasquatchatologist Professor Dominicus von Buren. “Sasquatch rely salmon for everything. From a good sandwich to salmon skin boots, if the salmon go so do the Sasquatch.

“Maybe Sasquatch is just checking up on the officer to see that he’s doing this job protecting their stock.”

“Anyway, that’s my theory and I’m sticking to it,” he adds. “At least until somebody here says TAG YOU’RE IT!”