Seth On Survival

Supernatural Survival HQ

You are here: Home / 2015 / Archives for November 2015

Archives for November 2015

SOS Supernatural Survival Guarantee

By Leave a Comment

*Restrictions On the SOS Supernatural Survival Guarantee*

We stand behind our advice here at SOS that has saved virtually millions of lives already. With our advice we guarantee a positive survival result 99.98% of the time – or your money/time back. 

Some restrictions however, remain in effect. Please review the following before contacting me seth@sethonsurvival.com to claim your refund or demand that I roll the survival counter back:

*This guarantee should be broadly interpreted as survival in any form. Not even SOS can guarantee your eternal continuance in any one state of being, form or time.

** This Offer is not valid for employees, family and friends of Seth on Survival. Void on Friday the 13th, Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, Black Noodle Day, Cinco de Mayo, Valentines Day, New Years Day, Groundhog Day, Buddhist Festival of the Tooth, Christmas, April Fools Day, Solstice, Equinox, Thanksgiving, Sinter Klaas Day, Ninja Day, Talk Like A Pirate Day or Chanukah.

Black Friday Zombies – Survive the Mallocalypse

By Leave a Comment

MALLOCALYPSE BFZ SURVIVAL TIPS

Batten the hatches Survivors, it’s Black Friday.  Are you ready for the Mallies?

If not, it’s not too late… yet.  But it will be soon so don’t delay. Review these seasonal BFZ survival tips today! Your Black Friday survival is virtually guaranteed, 99.98%*.

Black Friday Zombies
Black Friday Zombies
  1. Know The Mally

Often referred to as a BFZ or a Mally, the Black Friday Zombie is a unique strain of zombie, characterized by a tendency to move as a single-minded horde. It is this tendency which sets them apart from other zombies.

But Seth, you say, all zombies have a tendency to group, how is this any different? 

The answer is this. While your everyday walker does tend go group, this is normally a function of numbers and random clotting in a given area that inevitably arises from the simple-minded pursuit of fresh brains within a given space.

Mallies, by contrast never moan alone. There is no such thing as a lone Mally – s0 be prepared to face a whole horde.

What makes the BFZ move as one of a mindless horde is still largely unstudied but most scientists suspect the effect of certain seasonal media signals on the virus could be causing otherwise bumbling brain-brunchers to go mad with a single purpose. Understanding this movement can make dealing with a Mally both easier in some ways and harder in others.

2. Bright Lights and Melodious Sound

Not unlike moths at night, the BFZ or Mally is uniquely prone to patterns of light and sound. This tendency gives rise to many myths about zombies in general but use this to your advantage today by equipping a lightweight, LED weapon and a noise making device like a bell or kazoo to lure the horde to an strategic location.

Note on bagpipes: Only work on Scottish BFZs.

3. Strategic Location

Obviously I don’t have to remind you to know your local mall here and to work with the geography you have. Luckily most malls have a water attraction or similar art installation that can at least provide you with a height advantage over the advancing horde. Wade to the middle of that fountain and/or climb up on the reindeer’s back. If the Christmas tree is up already, consider climbing that. Just make sure it has a secure base first.

4. Boxes Buy Time

Another particular quirk of the BFZ – boxes. Like leprechauns with a shoe or a cat with a ball of catnip, the BFZ is easily distracted by a simple box.  It won’t stop them forever but a well-aimed spray of empty boxes at a BFZ horde should distract them long enough for you to make a clean getaway.

Of course if you don’t have a humane box cannon, or an ornate Christmas display at your mall you will have to equip these yourself. Shoe boxes in particular are very effective if unwieldy. Smaller, more colourful boxes are more practical both for equipping and aiming but are admittedly more expensive. Of course if you’ve staked out the mall tree or Santa’s sleigh as your home base, you may find a cache of ready ammo ready for you. Not to mention that sleigh may in fact be mobile and you could ride it right out the door.

That’s all for today Survivors. Keep on keeping on in this dark holiday season and be sure to do your Christmas zombie review before it’s too late.

Seth

Why Wait to Win the Wishing Season

By Leave a Comment

Fight Wish Waste 4 Wish Winning Ways

With falling star season upon us again, star wishers wonder what’s the winningest way to pin your wish on 60 to 100 stars per hour as they fall like fireworks from the sky all around you?

Don’t let the Season of the Wish pass you by. Be it the Geminids in September, the Draconids in mid-October and or the Leonids in November, don’t let this opportunity go to waste. Start wishing right, tonight.

Perseid Showers

1. Don’t Be Wishy Washy

It might seem fun or cute to start wishes with folksy rhymy old-timey preambles like:

Starlight starbright, first star I see tonight…

But that would be wishing wrong for so many reasons. For starters, with stars falling at a rate of 1.4 per second, how do you even isolate the first one you see?

For enders, this little rhyme effectively cuts off your ability to apply it to the 99 other stars falling around you. And don’t even get me started on:

I wish, I wish, I wish upon this star… <<insert rhyming wish here like: afar/jar/peace in Dakar…>>

Ever tried that one? And did your wish come true? Exactly my point. Be clear about your wish, write it down in the least possible words long before the sun sets and don’t worry about making it rhyme.

2. Technology Enhanced Wishing

Use NASA's Swift telescope to wish on the comet itself.
Use NASA’s Swift telescope to wish right on the comet itself.

Obviously even if you have reduced your wish to a single word with a single syllable like say, <<CAR>>, your ability to effective allocate this short wish to the shower of falling stars around you is still limited by two factors:

1. Your ability to see and

2. Your ability to speak as fast as stars can fall.

And let’s face it, loftier wishes are just harder to make. It requires a lot more words to wish for peace, security, dignity and long, healthy lives for every being on the planet or even to specify what you want on that pizza. And how many words can you say in one second? Try timing it and you’ll get my point.

No, you need technology to enhance your wishing. What technology? There’s a few options, most of them not invented yet. Maybe nobody has wished for it yet. So my wish plan for tonight is this; wish at the source!  That’s right, you pin your wish right on comet  that gives birth to all those falling stars and then you can get most of that debris before it burns through our atmosphere.

Easy. Now you just need an orbital telescope. Supply is limited, call NASA now to book yours.

3. Socially Enhanced Wishing

Friends can be the right tool for any job. Just ask Graham. With more wishers involved in any wish delivery, you’ll have a better chance of hitting all the stars and therefore maximize your wish fulfilment rate, guaranteed. I recommend a wish party. At least 4 – 8 wishers should do the trick. Then at the appointed hour you must:

1. Agree on a wish. This is the hard part. Too many wishers makes a wash. Face it, you’ll never agree.

2. Assume proper wish delivery formation.

Two ways:

Marty Ness and his friends demonstrate proper formation for wishing on a meteor shower.
Marty Ness and his friends demonstrate proper wish delivery formation.
  • Laying on your backs, take off your shoes and put your feet together.*
  • Laying on your back, put your heads together and hold hands.

*Thanks to Marty Ness and his friends for this correction on wish delivery formation. Apologies to any survivors whose wishes failed as a result of the previous description. 

3. Divide up the sky. I suggest using constellations as your guide.

4. Wish wish wish!

Non-wishers never win. True they may not be disappointed, but then they have to live in a universe where wishes can’t come true.

Remmber, just because science can describe many of the physical and material facts that surround a phenomenon, doesn’t mean there’s nothing spooky and unexplained left to find. Just ask any physicist and they will tell you to never stop wishing.

Cannibal Meat Company Calls Celebrity Sausage Tasty and Ethical

By 1 Comment

Cannibal critics say celebrity salami is grisly and gross!

Cannibal meat company Bitelabs defends its line celebrity sausages made from celebs like Kanye West and Jennifer Lawrence as a form of ethical meat to be celebrated and savoured by all, but critics continue to call it a faux food replacement product, and much less tasty than the stars themselves.

Cannibals selling meat made from celebrities
Cannibals selling meat made from celebrities

“A charming and confident flavor profile, the JLaw salami is coarse ground in a rustic style, smoothed with notes of honey, and spiced with orange zest and ginger,” Bitelabs states on its website. “Always surprising, this salami will never fail to entertain.

This meaty news took the Internet by storm this week, with cannibal critics callling it grisly and gross.

“They want to blend Ellen Degeneres with ostrich! Are they insane?” asks one artisanal meat maker. “Ostrich is a tough and stringy meat and should never be blended with a talk show hostess with less booty than Tyra Banks.”

But Bitelabs says their special process helps them make curated sausage blends that are simultaneously even more ethical and delicious than the real celebrities on whose cells their salami relies.

“Starting with biopsied myoblast cells, we grow our healthy, rich, meats in Bite Labs’ own bioreactors,” Biolab states. “Our process yields high-quality, luxury protein, in a sustainable manner that eliminates the environmental and ethical concerns associated with traditional livestock production.”

But cannibal company critics insist any product that starts with celebrity cells can never be classified as real food, let alone healthy or rich.

“I would not, could not eat James Franco ham,” said one feisty female foody. “Not in a box with a fox nor in a house with a mouse…

“Not to say I wouldn’t like a taste of James Franco himself. He is pretty tasty after all,” she added, licking her lips.

Is this the biggest cannibal scandal since the suspicious supplements seizure of ’13? Or the best thing in meat manufacturing since sliced Spam?

That’s for you to decide survivors! In any event, keep on keeping on, live long and strong!

Friday the 13 Fears Follow City’s New Number Law

By 1 Comment

Canadian City Fears Friday the 13 As Unlucky Number Returns

Vancouver city residents in fear today as a planned reversal of Friday the 13 preparedness planning brings back unlucky numbers including the number 13 to all city buildings — just in time for Friday the 13.

“We’re just putting a normal mathematical sequence back into building design,” says Chief Building Officer Pat Ryan.

Ryan, who denies working with both the psychopathy and witch communities to bring back unlucky number 13 calls it a question of public safety.

Ryan says that missing floors pose a danger to emergency services like police and paramedics who would arrive to find them gone.

But at least one Vancouver resident says he would rather face the treacherous void of a missing floor on Friday the 13 than a chainsaw in his face.

Friday the 13 brings UFO WTF
Friday the 13 brings UFO WTF

“There’s always hope someone can free you from a void…but a missing face? That’s a tough one,”  said Brian Jones who lives at what was formerly 1414 14th St. Now 1313 13th St. “Psychopaths don’t fool around on Friday the 13.”

This Friday the 13 it’s not just psychopaths and witches bring the bad luck back to Vancouver – it’s a UFO known as WTF1190F on collision course for Earth this Friday the 13.

“With my luck I fully expect to find my home crushed by this UFO at 13:13 tomorrow,” said Brian who is reviewing his personal Friday the 13 action plan as we speak.

Secret Ghost Soldiers of World War II

By Leave a Comment

Real Ghost Soldiers Speak About Spectral War

Have you met the real Ghost Soldiers of World War II? Yes, it’s that time of year, at least around here in the Northern Hemisphere when the ghosts will roam, each with a spooky story to moan.

Some, like the real Ghost Soldiers of World War II come complete with a bestseller and a publicist.

Ghost soldiers Speak
Ghost soldiers Speakne

As you and I both know, nothing contributes more ghosts to the supernethersphere than history and in history perhaps no event more than World War II,  but did you know a secret ghost battalion helped the allies to win the war?

Whether you heard the whole spooky story or like me you just clicked on the book cover, the true facts of these secret soldiers is in a nutshell, this. In the final days of World War II, a small band of ghost soldiers were hired to haunt the enemy along the front lines.

Armed only with scary shadows and sounds, these ghost soldiers of WWII successfully spooked the enemy on some 20 occasions to save literally thousands of lives.

So this supernatural season be sure to thank a ghost soldier for his service – perhaps with a piece of cherry pie.

(It’s true, ghosts like the cherry pie…)

Remember spook sightings start at Halloween with the witches and cats and stay ’til the festive season when demons and angels dominate the supernatural sphere with their celestial shenannigens.

Ghost Soldiers of WWII
Ghost Soldiers of WWII