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Archives for August 2015

New Portable Wormhole Tech Hailed Time Tourism Cheers And Boos

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New personal portable wormhole that fits in your suitcase to terminate time tourism turbulence?

A team of three physicists from Barcelona, Spain unveiled the first functional portable wormhole generator to cheers from survivors of another turbulent time travel season but big boos from the time travel agents who depend on them.

Personal portable wormholes put time travel agencies out of business?
Personal portable wormholes put time travel agencies out of business?

“A theoretical proposal by Greenleaf presented a strategy to build a wormhole for electromagnetic waves..however, an actual realization has not been possible until now. Here we construct and experimentally demonstrate a magnetostatic wormhole,” the team reported here in the journal Scientific Reports. 

While Doctors Jordi Prat-Camps, Carles Navau and Alvaro Sanchez refuse to claim their suitcase-sized wormhole generator (photo below) will revolutionize the time tourism industry, disgruntled time travellers everywhere have high hopes that it will do nothing less.

“Look, I paid for a simple ancestry vacay to prevent my little brother’s conception. Is that too much to ask?” comments one such disgruntled time tourist. “Instead I woke up stranded in the Triassic, not a single hot tub device or Tardis to be found.”

In his lawsuit against the time travel agency in question, the tourist writes that, “After almost drowning in a monsoon, I would have prayed for a dinosaur to come and extinct me… but not even a dinosaur would set foot in that poopy epoch.”

While this tourist and his agency continue to fight over a refund, he and other survivors like him are vowing to purchase a personal portable wormhole unit like this one before taking a chance with another tardy time travel trap next year.

But will the suitcase wormhole really do for time tourism what mobile cellular technology once did for computing?

Not surprising time travel agents want to deliver dire warnings to would-be wormhole buyers.

“Do you see any temporal or geographic control settings on the device in this photo?” writes one angry operator. “Exactly! There are none. So how can it even send you to the correct place, never mind the right time period?”

“At least we get the approximate geography right 99 percent of the time. It’s really not our fault if your family tree hasn’t evolved yet.”

Yawn Test Exposes Psychopaths Says Scientists but Yawning Flaw Remains

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Science and psychopaths expose yawning flaw in new yawn test

A new test to reveal potential psychos by yawning in their faces to see if they yawn back is welcome news to both survivors and psychopaths this week, who reveal the real yawning flaw.

Out potential pyschopaths with a yawn
Out potential psychopaths with a yawn test

When a Baylor University study showed how potential psychopaths do not
catch group yawn contagion because they have no empathy, survivors everywhere began conducting secret secret yawn tests.

“I told my parents the swim teacher here was a psycho when kids started disappearing but they didn’t believe me!” said a Crystal Lake camper named Samantha who organized her entire swim class to yawn- test the instructor. “Then I proved it with this video. See how we’re all yawning at the same time, right in her face? Well she never, ever yawns back!”

“Now my parents say if I survive maybe I won’t have to come back next year.”

“I guess they couldn’t get their money back.”

The new yawn-test study was unexpectedly welcome news to the psychopathic community too.

“So that’s why everyone has been yawing in my face!” said Camp Crystal Lake’s psychopathic swim teacher. “For a while I thought maybe I had to starting killing kids ahead of schedule to avoid boring them to death instead!”

Instead the psychopathic swim teacher intends to stick to her original killing schedule of one or two children every night until the final spree that will finally eliminate Samantha.

“Also maybe I’ll sign up for that new yawn-faking workshop the camp director is giving for staff,” she added.

Meanwhile Supernatural Survivologist Seth Greening reminds survivors when it comes to detecting supernatural threats in your environment, there is no substitute for his handy free diagnostic app The Monstrometer.

“Your survival is virtually guaranteed, 99.98% or your money back!” he promises.

Light Eating Rock Breather Aliens Here On Earth, Protect Your Electrons Now!

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California scientist’s colony of real Yakon aliens that breathe boulders and eat energy.

Scientist Kenneth Nealson publicly admits to raising a colony of real-life energy-eating, rock-breathing aliens, ignoring the obvious danger to all life here on Earth.

Kenneth Nealson raising real-life Yakon in Southern California
Kenneth Nealson raising real-life Yakon aliens  in Southern California

Professor Kenneth Nealson of University of Southern California defended his decision to farm an alien species that eats only energy and breathes rocks instead of air.

“They could be harnessed to create biological fuel cells or to clean up human waste,” he told the reporter from Popular Science who busted the professor and his alien colony.

Reporter Corey S. Powell says the Professor refuses to call his pet Yakons aliens at all, referring to them instead as Shewanella oneidensis which translates, roughly, to voracious light-eating, boulder-breather bacteria who wants all your electrons NOW! 

In fact, Powell uncovered an entire team of scientists helping Professor Nealson to raise a virtual army of these aliens. Learn to protect you and your electrons now before these alien-loving academics bring about the electrolopolypse…

 Energy Eater Alien Survival Tips

1. Go Off Grid

Understood, not everyone has their own underground bunker yet. But it doesn’t make you crazy just because you have a rubber room! Now is the time to build your own, before these hungry aliens come looking for you.

2. Non-Conductive Clothing

Yes, the neoprene run really hot but on the bright side, you look pretty cool. And it’s a lot better than coating yourself with silicone – trust me on this. So be ready, get out your rain gear and rubber boots. And don’t forget the hat.

3. Lights out & lay low

Think energy conservation – not just about global warming. Power everything down – including you. Especially you. Now is a the time to practice your zombic meditation. And if you’re not sure what this means, find a meditation class taught by a qualified Zomtanga instructor at your local recreation facility and learn how to slow your cellular metabolism to undeadly levels as soon as possible.

4. Arm Yourself

If you have a Tesla Cannon or Tesla Gun, equip that immediately. Don’t have one yet? Got an old nerf gun laying around? Then it’s not too late. Turn that old birthday present into a real lightning cannon out like survivor Rob Flickenger did here. That said, a commercial Super Taser may do the trick.

(And here’s where you ask, Seth. Seriously? Why shoot them with electricity, which they love? To which I reply, Good question and thanks for keeping on keeping on…)

The point here is this. These aliens have an energy for rock metabolic process meaning they devour energy and breathe out rock. To whit, the more light you shoot them with, the more rock they will breathe out. The theory here is that by shooting them with enough energy, their respiration will cause an avalanche that falls only on them.

Or that’s the theory anyway. But as Yogi Berra would say… in theory there is no difference between theory and practice but in practice there is!

Wendigo You May Be Dealing With a Wendigo

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DangerSign-Small-optWHO WOULD KNOW A WENDIGO?

Would you know a wendigo? And if so should you stay or should you go?

Here at SOS we have received repeated requests to add the Wendigo or Windigo to the list of monsters detectable by The Monstrometer. And it’s not that we don’t want to add this terrifying, shifty, flesh-eating cannibalistic being to our list of Monstrometer alerts.

No, it’s just that unlike other supernatural beings from fairies to demons and everything in between, SOS does not, unfortunately, receive much first-hand intel from Wendigo survivors.

In fact we count zero self-declared wendigo among the 6 million to visit and/or join the active SOS community to share supernatural secrets. And only one self-declared wendigo attack survivor.

Why no wendigo survivors on SOS?
Why no wendigo survivors on SOS?

Unfortunately -or fortunately-  depending how you look at this supernatural situation – there may be several reasons for this. Consider:

A) The traditional Aboriginal wendigo hunters have been effectively keeping this shifty population at bay and there are very few real ones left.

B) Nobody survives a wendigo encounter or

C) Nobody knows because of the wendigo’s shape-shifting ways and/or strong resemblance to other beings including some zombies and hungry cannibals.

In any event, you can see the situation. It’s not that SOS doesn’t want to respond to your urgent supernatural survival needs. It’s just that it would be supernaturally irresponsible to pass on more second or even third-hand information.

(After all, SOS does have a reputation to uphold as the third most popular and first most reliable supernatural survivology site on the Interwebs!)

But by way of reply to recently received requests, we post the following information, submitted to the SOS community by survivors Raven269, Ravenwillow and Assanjin:

3 Tips to Survive a Wendigo Attack

1. Wendi-stay, Wendi-go…

Wendigo are therianthropes of the second order and as such they can mimic both voices and shapes. Understandably, this makes them hard to detect.

Hard, but not impossible. Like most beings driven by insatiable hunger, Wendigo prefer inhabiting large, carnivorous forms with massive teeth and jaws over say, staplers and/or insects.

Animal horns are a dead giveaway. Wendigo use them to lure unsuspecting trophy hunters to their death. Just see someone sprout a rack on his head? Time to make yourself scarce.

2. Shhhh…

Most people who encounter a wendigo die because they made the mistake of screaming. The one weakness of the wendigo is eyesight. So don’t alert them to your exact location aka: DON’T SCREAM! Just move away as quickly and quietly as possible. 

3. Avoid Eye Contact

While generally a good rule of thumb to follow with almost any being that shines red light out of its eyeballs, with wendigo this is particularly important. Ever see a deer caught in the headlights? Well with wendigo, this appears to work in reverse. This deer is hunting you.

That’s all we have for now survivors. Until we know more, you may wish to contact members of the survival community, see Raven269 or Assanjin and shoot them a reply-comment.

And thanks as ever for keeping on, keeping on!

Lizard Man Returns to Town After Ten Years

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South Carolina town happy to see him but has Lizard Man reverted to his former feral ways? 

As Bishopville officials celebrate the return of their beloved Lizard Man this week after his unexplained ten year absence from the community, local historians urge a return to caution.

“Until we know what happened to Lizard Man during his long absence, we can’t assume he is still the peaceful reptilian hybrid who left his swamp in 2005 or if he has reverted back to his rage-filled car-crunching, cat-eating early days,” says renowned supernatural survivologist Professor Dominic Van Buren who urges humans to stay away from the shores of Scape Ore Swamp until the truth can be determined.

Lizard Man happy to be back home in Bishopville
Lizard Man happy to be back home in Bishopville?

The Bishopsville townsfolk however do not appear to be heeding Van Buren’s warnings. Town officials are already planning to resurrect Lizardstock Live, the largest Reptilian Rock Festival in the Southern USA.

“My hand to God, I am not making this up!” writes church lady Sarah who snapped this photo of the 7 foot-tall red-eyed scaly humanoid on Sunday. “I am so excited!”

But even as the town celebrates the return of their cool cryptid,  rumours continue to circulate about his long and unexplained absence from his home swamp and community.

The last time anyone saw Lizard Man was in 2005. After starring in a series of TV commercials, he was spotted for the last time… but he was not alone. Specifically, he was spotted in the presence of another reptilian humanoid, who was surely, the town surmised, his new leading Lizard Lady.

The Lizard Love theory made sense to everyone. Certainly it wouldn’t be the first time a scaly, half-human found love after becoming famous. So the town gave the couple some swamp space.

But when spring rolled around again, bringing with it another busy tourist season in Bishopville, the shores of Scape Ore Swamp remained empty. The Lizard Man and his Lady had left the building.

What followed was ten long years of false reports and the occasional, mysterious 3-toed footprints around the world.

“Think about it. He’s back again. Alone. In Bishopsville, South Carolina. Ask anyone who has been through a divorce. Or three, like me. Does anyone really believe that the Lizard Man is happy about this situation?” said Professor Van Buren.

“If you believe that then I have some swampland in South Carolina I could sell you…”

Van Buren remembers vividly the bad old days when Lizard Man first appeared after a meteorite first hit Scape Ore Swamp in the summer of 1988. Back in the days when beloved pets began disappearing and drivers reported collisions with a giant, angry reptile on the road.

“I’m not saying this is absolutely 100% going to happen again now,” he stated. “But this is absolutely, 100% going to happen again.”

Hitchbot Harmed by Humans On Cross Country Cyberlove Tour

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Hitchy’s Crash Course in Humanity Stalls In Philadelphia With Brutal Lesson

Hitchy the Hitchbot’s trek to the heart of humanity on the side of the highway stalled when Philadelphia turned out to be less than the city of cyberlove.

Hitchbot in Philadelphia before the humans got him.
Hitchbot in Philadelphia before the humans got him.

Hithbot, you will no doubt recall, is the little hitchhiking robot who set out on a pilgrimage of peace to promote love between Servos and Bios by hitchhiking across an entire continent, from the Great Lakes of the East coast to the Pacific Ocean on the West.

“I love meeting people and hearing stories,” he told us back in June before embarking on his trip. “If you see me on the side of the road, pick me up and help me make my way across the country.”

Now three months later, Hitchy’s trip has hit a horrible hump in Philadelphia, one that may yet prove fatal.

Specifically, the little bot was found brutalized after an apparent back-alley beating in the so-called City of Love.

“I don’t want to say that I told you so but…” said Gnome Severson the famous hitchhiking gnome who to his credit did stop short of saying that he did in fact tell us so here on SOS back in June. 

“Poor guy, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone,” Gnome Severson said after seeing this now-famous photo of Hitchy left for dead in a Philadelphia back alley.

“Many times I had me own porcelain pate plastered on tour. I wish he had called me for some tips. Just cuz you want to find the best in humanity don’t mean you ignore safety when you’re only 3 feet tall!”

Hitchbot left for dead in Philadelphia back alley.
Hitchbot left for dead in Philadelphia back alley.

Robot rights activists meanwhile have seized on the situation to publicize their message of segregation from the Bios.

“See this is exactly why we need more of our own separate facilities and services,” states one activist who refused to go on record.

“Hitchy would still be here if he put his trust in the programming of robotkind instead of the kindness of strangers and stayed in one of the new robot hotels.”

Is it all over for Hitchy? Will his parable of peace be turned to a terrifying tale of too much trust?

A robot rescue team in Philadelphia who call themselves The Hacktory have reached out to Hitchy’s family to offer their emergency medical services however the news is not clear if their efforts will succeed.

Stay tuned for updates here…

Hitchbot’s Twitter feed officially announced the end of his journey here.

:sad: