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Black Friday Zombies – Survive the Mallocalypse

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TOP 3 BFZ SURVIVAL TIPS

Batten the hatches Survivors, it’s Black Friday. Are you ready for the Mallocalypse?

If you haven’t barricaded yourself in the basement with some leftover bird, take a minute to review your Black Friday Zombie (BFZ) survival skills. Remember these three tips today and in the seasonal shopping crush to come survivors, and your Black Friday survival is virtually guaranteed, 99.98%.

Black Friday Zombies
Black Friday Zombies

Often referred to as a BFZ or a Mally, the Black Friday Zombie is a unique strain of zombie, characterized by a tendency to move as a single-minded horde. It is this tendency which sets them apart from other zombies.

Now I know all zombies have a tendency to group but this is normally a function of numbers and random clotting that can arise from the simple-minded pursuit of fresh brains within a given space.

What makes the BFZ move as one of a mindless horde is still largely unstudied but most scientists suspect the effect of certain seasonal media signals on the virus could be causing otherwise bumbling brain-brunchers to go mad with a single purpose. Understanding this movement can make dealing with a Mally both easier in some ways and harder in others.

1. Bright Lights and Melodious Sound

Not unlike moths at night, the BFZ is uniquely prone to patterns of light and sound. This tendency gives rise to many myths about zombies in general but use this to your advantage today by equipping a lightweight, LED weapon and a noise making device like a bell or kazoo to lure the horde to an strategic location.

Note on bagpipes: Only work on Scottish BFZs.

2. Strategic Location

Obviously I don’t have to remind you to know your local mall here and to work with the geography you have. Luckily most malls have a water attraction or similar art installation that can at least provide you with a height advantage over the advancing horde. Wade to the middle of that fountain and/or climb up on the reindeer’s back. If the Christmas tree is up already, consider climbing that. Just make sure it has a secure base first.

3. Buy Time With Boxes

Another particular quirk of the BFZ – boxes. Like leprechauns with a shoe or a cat with a ball of catnip, the BFZ is easily distracted by a simple box.  It won’t stop them forever but a well-aimed spray of empty boxes at a BFZ horde should distract them long enough for you to make a clean getaway.

Of course if you don’t have a humane box cannon, or an ornate Christmas display at your mall you will have to equip these yourself. Shoe boxes in particular are very effective if unwieldy. Smaller, more colourful boxes are more practical both for equipping and aiming but are admittedly more expensive. Of course if you’ve staked out the mall tree or Santa’s sleigh as your home base, you may find a cache of ready ammo ready for you. Not to mention that sleigh may in fact be mobile and you could ride it right out the door.

That’s all for today Survivors. Keep on keeping on in this dark holiday season and be sure to do your Christmas zombie review before it’s too late.

Seth

Eternal Sword Mystery in Siberia

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Did Mysterious Medieval Sword Loss Make Ivan Terrible?

An eternal sword found buried beneath a tree of life in Russia hacks headlines this week as the researcher who discovered it claims this sword could be the stolen blade that helped make the Russian Tsar, Ivan the Onion Breath, so very Terrible.

Epic sword found buried under birch tree.
Epic sword found buried under birch tree.

The mysterious medieval sword was discovered buried at the base of a birch tree known in Russia as a tree of life by researchers who said it was so incredibly well-preserved that it sparkled.

“I was scared to raise it from the ground,” said Russian researcher Vyacheslav Molodin who helped uncover the sword. “I slowly twisted it, noting sparkles of silver on the guard and blade. It was so well-preserved you could in fact use it in battle almost straight away.”

The sword bears a clear inscription in Latin devoting it to God and the Eternal. But to whom did it belong?

Having raised the sword himself and survived, Mr. Molodin now devotes his life to solving the matter and this week he put forth a new theory –>> this is the sword of Ivan the Terrible himself, taken from his armoury by one of his own knights.

Widely regarded as one of the most ruthless leaders in history, Mr. The Terrible was the orphan who loved killing people and onions. Two facts that until today have been widely reported and linked. In fact he loved onions so much he made churches have onion tops after declaring himself the first Tsar of Russia in the 16th Century. And he loved killing people so much that among thousands of others at the end of his life he inexplicably killed his own favourite son, possibly with this very sword. But was it really just too many onions that mad him mad at the end of his life? Or something more?

“While onions are notably hardy and good for you, people who eat too many of them may become foul-breathed and bad-tempered,” states a warning from the Ontario Onion Council. “Excessive onion eaters are 50X more likely to kill their own heirs than any other vegetable eating demographic.”

But if Mr. Molodin’s theory is true, Ivan’s terrible temper may have been less about the onions and more about the loss of his epic weapon. Did Ivan kill to get it back? Did the ruler really give the blade to his favourite knight or did he suspect his own son of taking it without permission? If so or not, how does it then wind up buried for centuries at the base of a tree known as a Tree of Life?

Mr. Molodin says we can’t be sure if the blade was buried intentionally or just dropped here in the heat of battle but those who are more prone to burying relics at the bases of trees of life have a more elaborate theory.

“Clearly the sword was stolen from Ivan and buried here to await a more worthy wielder. I suspect this made old onion-breath mad enough he started killing everyone to find it,” stated one such relic burier.

While the mystery continues and we await Mr. Molodin’s definitive findings, survivors are advised to look hard beneath any trees of life for any telltale signs there may be an eternal blade buried beneath it. Also to watch Mr. Molodin’s Facebook page for any telltale signs of aging, madness or killing sprees that could indicate he may be joining the ranks of magic-mad immortals. 

Seth

NEW PROOF FROM 67P COMETS ALIEN SPACECRAFT

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Lander Reports Comet 67P Sings, Smells Just Like a Bus

Is 67p a smelly interstellar transit vehicle?
Is 67p a smelly interstellar transit vehicle?

Survivors have been monitoring this one for years here on SOS but thanks to data from Philae Lander on Comet 67P, new clues confirm the truth that many comets are actually part of a massive interstellar space transit system maintained by aliens with advanced technology and a lazy janitorial staff.

Data from the lander has revealed that Comet 64P emits a strange singing signal and an even stranger smell of rotten eggs, urine, alcohol, and vinegar, smells typically associated by humans with poorly sanitized mass transit vehicles.

“Yeah that pretty much describes the smell on this bus,” said bus driver Edna Smith, hiding her suspiciously cold coffee flask. “I keep telling them to fire that cleaner but they just banned egg sandwiches instead.”

The outgassing smell from Comet 67-PEE was reportedly so bad that Philae Lander passed out and fell over last week. A charge that has offended many aliens hiding among us.

“You Earthlings always going on about smelly aliens when you can’t even go a three hours without a toilet, let alone cross an entire galaxy. Just try floating through the Milky Way and see how long you can hold it.”

As for the strange singing sound, Philae reported that Comet 67P emits a strange, song-like clicking noise just below the range of human hearing, a sound that has been described as a form of intelligent communication that may have actually been first detected almost 20 years ago.

According to alien watcher Scott Waring of UFO Sightings Daily, an anonymous email from a space agency whistle blower claims they knew about the signal two decades ago and that it is in fact the real reason behind the whole mission to Comet 67P.

‘Do not think for one moment that a space agency would suddenly decide to spend billions of dollars to build and send a spacecraft on a 12-year journey to simply take some close-up images of a randomly-picked-out comet floating in space.”

While most comets follow a predictable orbit, according to Waring’s whistle blower the singing, smelly comet 64/P has been observed to changing course, a behaviour that indicates route changes according to a changing delivery and drop schedule demanded by paying customers.

While the Internet continues to study Philae images for signs of machine-like parts on Comet 67P, none of this will come as a surprise to SOS readers. It does point to the need for extreme survivological caution if you have any interstellar transit plans for the coming holidays. No amount of hand sanitizer can protect you from the range of alien pathogens likely present on this ship. So pack a good space suit and consider wearing it throughout the whole trip. Or at least the gloves and good face mask.  And whatever you do, don’t bring egg salad.

Long may you keep on keeping on. Click here for past info about alien interstellar transit. 

Seth

Time Travel Tips How to Speak Stone Age

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Ever been trapped in the wrong époque following a terrifying time travel debacle? Say you appeared wrapped in a toga with a skin of chocolate milk on the Savannah when what you really needed was a loincloth pelt and a good club?

Tips for Talking to the Stone Aged
Tips for Talking to the Stone Aged From Scientists

You’re not alone. Time travel accidents are a common occurrence, especially during the dark season when our urge to wander grows strong, so here on SOS we try to arm you with the info you need to survive awkward temporal situations like this.

Luckily, science has contributed a breakthrough in Stone-Age linguistics this week. That’s right, a dictionary for Stone-Age communication.  Today we present to you a four talking points:

TOP 4 STONE AGE TALKING TIPS

1. WHICH WAY HOME?

They had a limited vocabulary, so you don’t want to waste time on small talk with a Stone Ager. Get right to the point and ask the DAM way home.

No I’m not swearing. (Science has yet to decode the Stone-Age swear dictionary past, “AAAAARGH.” “DAM” just means home. Try that. Of course, you may end up at his home but hey, you might also score a hot pot of shrunk-head stew.

2. HEY CAN I BORROW YOUR HORSE?

There’s plenty of evidence the Stone Agers kept horses. For a quick getaway, you might need to borrow one. The term,”AK-WOS” means horse to a Stone-Ager. Be careful how you say it though because scientists say that, “WOS” means animal in general. If you leave off the “AK,” you could end up with a bear or a sabre-tooth tiger. And although that might be cool, it won’t help you ride to your render-vous point.

3. GOT ANYTHING TO EAT, DRINK?

Of course if you’re stuck out there a while, sooner or later you’re going to need a snack and these two words could save your life. “PEL” means a skin, which combined with the action of drinking, could score you a slug of something. I’m not going to guarantee water or that you’ll like what you get but you should get something. For food try, “PA.” That’s right the earliest word for father could also be used to refer to food.

Of course “PA” also meant father so it could create some confusion. Like you could be telling your new Stone Age pal that you’re their dad. Which might come in handy too and could theoretically be true.

4. GOT A LIGHT?

The nights get cold out there and you’ll need to keep wild animals away, so knowing the word for light could save your life. If your flinting skills are not up to snuff, try asking for a light with the word, “BHAL.” Technically you are asking for the blazing sunlight here but with an appropriate gesture it should get your point across.

Other words meant light too, like “LUH” which as you can guess meant the full moon and then there’s “DIW” which meant daylight but start with “BHAL” and see how it goes.

Good luck out there time travellers. And remember, if you are of the ilk that uses chocolate milk to down the time travel fatigue, you’ll still need to bring your own as Stone Agers were not known to herd brown cows.