Survivors if you like me, will spend Earth Day worrying about the likelihood of waking up in an alien zoo for the holiday amusement of alien families, read on!
Important research coming to you this week from famous astrophysicist and alien zoo expert Neil deGrasse Tyson can help you beat the odds and remain a free-range Earthling.
(Unless of course you’re ready for your golden cage! In which case, you can use his research to find the best alien zoo for you.)
Alien Zoo expert Neil deGrasse Tyson has spoken often on his radio program SpaceTalk, about the likelihood of alien zookeepers curating Earthlings for an Earth Zoo.
“If alien life is vastly more intelligent than us… then it’s possible we’re all just a zoo for these intelligent creatures,” he says. “And if they’re smart enough they can even construct a zoo so that we never even know we’re in one.”
Well fine, except you just told us Neil. We could have lived out our whole little lives in our little cages, never knowing about the aliens coming here on family vacations to poke us through the bars. But nooo… so now what?
First first things first you need to know for sure, if you are already living in an alien zoo or not. How can you tell?
5 SIGNS THAT YOU COULD BE LIVING IN AN ALIEN ZOO:
1. Have you ever done tricks to receive food?
Before you answer, think hard. Good zoo trainers normally select tricks that you probably already like to do anyway, that come naturally to you and then use food to motivate you to do them over and over again.
2. Is your cage environment getting dirty?
Even the best zoos and zoo keepers have difficulty monitoring and maintaining optimum environmental conditions for the animals. If you notice yours is off, this could be a sign that you too are already in a zoo. That, or you need to clean up your room. Or both.
3. Are you separated from opposite sex members of your species? Or the opposite, forced into situations where you have to mix and mingle with members of the opposite sex when you don’t feel like it?
Zoos use a number of techniques to control the number of animals within. One of the most obvious is to simply separate male and female beings from each other and force them together later.
4. Do you see groups of strangers staring at you?
It’s unusual – but not unheard of – to visit a zoo alone. Zoo goers normally come in groups, often on guided tours. And while I assume that alien zoo goers have some very clever camouflage, they still require safe transport and direction through the zoo to see you. You might notice arrows or maps posted around your living space. Me, I can’t help remembering the bus load of aliens who stopped by here earlier this year. Is Tikiria Ishiu running alien tours? Somebody better ask her for her license next time she stops by.
5. Do you suffer from stress, boredom or confinement?
Inadequate space is a problem in many zoos and an alien zoo would no different.
If you answered YES to 3/5 of the questions above or more, consider it VERY LIKELY that you are in fact living in an alien zoo.
Now what? Stay tuned for How To Escape From An Alien Zoo…