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Demons: You May Be Dealing With A Demon, Or a Daimon

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demonDangerSign-Small-opt

TOP THREE MYTHS ABOUT DEALING WITH DEMONS

(OR DAIMONS) :

MYTH #1: Saying “Bless You” when your friend sneezes will prevent demons entering his body.

CORRECTION: This can ONLY prevent English-speaking demons from entering his body! What about: “Gesunheit,” “A tes souhaites,” and “saúde?” You will never have time to cover them all. Demonologists are currently hard at work trying to find a universal demon-stopper word but until then it’s a crap shoot!

MYTH #2: Changing locations will NOT  help.

CORRECTION – Changing locations can sometimes help. Depends what kind of demon or daimon you have. For instance, try leaving your demon at home with a baby, say your first-born son.  They like that. If like me, you don’t happen to have one handy,  your demon may be impatiently waiting around for you to produce one. Try gently explaining to your demon that you are trying your best to uphold your end of the bargain and how this kind of pressure is not helpful nor conducive to either of you fulfilling the terms of your deal.

Of course none of this helps if YOU are the first-born son. If so, you may want to start looking for a loophole – is your mom really your mom? Where was she on the day you were born? Work with her to make up a plausible alibi and ask to see the details of your demonic contract.

Also, let’s talk about elevators here. And escalators. Hellevators and Hellscalators. Basically any mechanical conveyance to waaaaay downstairs – if you know what I mean!  Unlike angels, demons do not have functioning wings. And like many beings, they need a little help getting upstairs so to speak.

( Most demons are afflicted with one or more deadly sins – sloth for instance – and fun fact! –  Hell fires actually burn on left over fast food grease.)

Anyway, point is, recent research now shows a full 73% of elevators and an unknown number of escalators may in fact be claimed by demons who make use of them as portals to enter our world. If you can identify these Hellevators, you may be able to make use of them to help you with your problem.

(Please do not make use of a hell elevator without the help of a qualified elevator technician. Ask to see his or her license!)

MYTH #3: Demons or daimons must be driven out.

CORRECTION – The matter of whether a demon needs to be driven anywhere is up for debate. The idea that demons are just trouble-making spirits looking for a lift out of Hell has been debunked many times. These days most demons seem pretty capable of driving themselves and make use of our modern conventions to operate portals into our world.

So maybe you need to make friends with your demon. Get to know them and let them get to know the real you. After all, it’s YOU they want. So take long walks together. Talk to your demon. Sing your favorite song over and over without accompaniment.  Share the intimate minutia of your everyday life. Your every thought. What you ate today, how many trips to the bathroom, how that MEAN CLERK IGNORED YOU FOR, like, EVER!…

Watch as your demon learns to do the same. Ignore you forever that is.

Seriously though, new research by demonologists into the new field of “eudaimonics” which translates roughly as the study of inner demons, seems to indicate having a demon might not actually be so bad. Apparently the Greeks believed that each child was blessed with a personal demon or daimon who holds the key to the highest expression of his or her nature. This personal demon is believed to be the source of all personal knowledge and power in pursuits like the arts, physics and math. So learn to embrace your demon! Sure it’s hard. Sometimes they may cause you to projectile vomit and your head to spin around, but studies show if you can just get past that with your demon, it will be worth it. You and your demons can accomplish a lot if you just work together.

Of course if you and your daimon just can’t get along, you may need counselling or even a good separation procedure. I personally do not endorse exorcisms as I’ve never seen one that ended well. But don’t despair! While your average exorcist is probably a quack, there are qualified demon hunters out who know the locations and mechanisms of the demonic portals and how to operate them. A qualified demon hunter can contain your demon long enough to ship him or her away.

MYTH #3: Baby powder is a powerful demon deterrent.

CORRECTION: Only baby-powder huffers believe this. Demons and daimons love baby powder on their feet and even ah, OTHER parts. Putting baby powder on your bedroom floor is like asking a demon to dance.

~~~~~IF YOU ARE THE DEMON~~~~~

Well let’s say I know somebody – a friend let’s say, who has a supernatural survivalist show who REALLY wants to make more video episodes and who MAY be interested in making a deal. You know one of those riches and fortune type deals? (Not the supernatural musical skill kind – although that might be nice too.)

So if you’re not too busy signing contracts or whatnot,  I hope you’ll contact me on the site and maybe we can work something out. I mean hopefully my friend can work something out with you…

Frost Moon Survivor of the Month

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Who will it be?

The Frost Moon is rising to its fullest and frostiest and werewolves everywhere are curling up in their cribs, or roaming free – hopefully NOT in search of angels. Yes, I know this is also technically speaking the Moon of Angels but is that any reason to go looking for a fight?

Why not stop here at SOS instead? I’ll be posting clues about the Survivor of the Month. And this month we will also be inducting one member to the SOS Hall of Fame. One long overdue member.

Enough said here are the first clues. I’ll add some details to them throughout the night. Answers and prizes posted tomorrow….

Frost Moon Survivor of the Month Clues:

1. This Survivor hates wet fur.

2. This Survivor runs with a group of coyote shape shifters.

3. This Survivor is member of a very interesting Zombie Apocalypse Survival team.

4. This Survivor lives in a very dangerous situation. Members of her friend’s family could be A-51 agents.

Guessed it? That’s right it’s:

Moon Song

A small Survivor of the Month iTunes thank you is on the way to Moon Song. Or it will be as soon as I send it! Thanks to everyone who contributed to Survival this month. You keep me keeping on. It may not always look like it, but Graham and I and other survivors all over the globe are always thinking of epic new things we can do with your valuable research and epic tales of survival, so please keep on keeping on. (Seriously. We get dozens of emails every week about it.)

Also, I promised a Hall of Famer this month. Hall of Fame members are not quasi-random like Survivor of the Month. Hall of Famers are beings who have contributed to the survival of countless others here at SOS, including mine. I rely on these Hall of Famers for warnings and reliable research along with general help and goodwill toward other survivors on the site. Like all of us, they come and go on important and sometimes secret survival missions but always seem to keep in touch one way or another. So without further ado, this month one more survivor will be inducted into the SOS Hall of Fame. You will no doubt, recognize him, he’s often the first to greet a new survivor on the site, maybe because of his wings. Yes, that’s right it’s:

Zyboragon

 

Thanks to everyone who contributed to survival this moon. Without you there would be no survival. Please check back for the true account of Moon Song and the Hall of Fame story of Zyboragon – coming up as soon as I send their prizes. Don’t forget to check out some frosty full moon poetry  by Ashpaw if you haven’t already. Or check out the werewolves at yourlupinelife who posted the true story of the Frost Moon along with the epic tale of Louis Pine. (I’m pining for more! When is there more???)

More later! Thanks for keeping on keeping on with SOS.

Bigfoot to Win Big Reality Show Prize

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When I first heard about the new television program, “10 Million Dollar Bigfoot Bounty,” that was offering a $10 million dollar prize for definitive proof of the existence of Bigfoot I was thrilled. Who better to claim this prize than a real Bigfoot? Thanks to The Monstrometer, there have been several Bigfoot or Sasquatch sightings at SOS over the years! All we would have to do is send one of many links to an SOS Sasquatch report, just one of the many sparkling interviews with a Sasquatch to be found on these pages and *bingo presto!* A Survivor collects a whopping cheque. Easy! Right?

Okay well, not exactly. Turns out that Bigfoot is just as rare here at SOS as in the wild. A look at the SOS archives reveals only six documented Sasquatch sightings.

To summarize: DoubleD’s brother (100%), Alex’s friend (half), Mr. Mutt’s friend (full) Zebras&Cow’s friend (half) as was Zompirefreak’s best friend, (half). And the number of sparkling interviews with a Sasquatch or Bigfoot? A big, fat ZERO.

In fact in all the years of SOS, there has been only ONE Sasquatch self-report. An enigmatic survivor known only as “Sasquatchman” appeared on the site once and once only 18 months ago. It was a very short SOS report, a simple cry for help, “what do i do?” he asked.

My reply which you can read here (if you really must) may have been somewhat less than helpful.

Okay, fine, maybe “less than helpful,” is a bit of an understatement. Maybe yeah, Sasquatchman was never heard from again!

In my defense, I’m only one man. Okay granted, I am the 7th most famous Supernatural Survivalist on the Internets – but that only makes me the 32nd most accomplished Supernatural Survivalist overall. (And I’ll have you know, number 31 does not have a day job delivering pizza at Pizza Del Muerto.)

(Numbers 23 and 30 however both do. Sometimes we swap shifts.)

Okay maybe I am making excuses for my crummy reply, but let’s not dwell on the past. Let’s look forward, to the future. The future where a Sasquatch on SOS collects a 10 million dollar prize.

So this is a plea – Sasquatchman, if you are out there, if you are still keeping on, please COME BACK! I’m sorry I made that crack about your hair. I didn’t mean it that way. Please get back in touch with the site, so you can claim the Bigfoot Prize.

Meanwhile, all Survivors, please be on the lookout for any and all the Sasquatches in your life. Scan, scan, scan with The Monstrometer. (Unless you’re running on iOS 5 in which case, an update is coming. It really, really is.)

Me, I’m going to do two things. First, I’m going to talk to Graham about re-calibrating The Monstrometer to find more Sasquatches and Bigfoots. Bigfeet? You get the idea. (We hope to have this recalibration ready for the iOS update by Christmas.)

Second, I’m  going to contact the producers of this show to clarify the rules. I am of course aware that they had already “selected” their “contestants”. Pfffft. Rank amateurs. Not even a real supernatural survivologist among them, let alone one in the top ten. It seems to me that these contestants have been carefully selected to not only put the producers in any danger of having to pay out the generous cash prize but to also discredit and set back the cause of supernatural-human relations a hundred years.

I also suspect that the show’s producers could be setting up the old Bigfoot vs. Sasquatch loophole, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. Meanwhile, scan your friends! One of them could be the lucky winner of 10 million dollars!

Of Zombies and Cauliflower

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First there was Zyboragon’s trademark Zombie Berries, then zombie mints, now get ready for latest news in ZMRT (Zombies Meal Replacement Therapy) *awesome drumroll here* …cauliflower? More specifically, fields of rotting cauliflowers? Really?

That’s the astonishing claim this week from a group of Survivors behind a new game called Zombie Apocalypse – How Cauliflower Saved My Life.

But could cauliflower really be the brainiest anti-zombie weapon in your arsenal? Or just another odorific cruciferous crutch that’s likely to get you crucified?

So when I first received an email about this phenomenon from a Survivor known as Marc, I filed it for further reference. I didn’t want to offend Marc after all he is a longtime survivor and quiet fan of the site by email – but I don’t fall for every marketing fad fuelled by soft science.

(Unless it involves Spray Nine. But then it’s NOT a marketing fad, it’s just The Truth.)

But to summarize Marc’s story, it goes roughly like this:

1. On Halloween, Survivor Marc was forced from his home by a roving horde of zombies. I’m not sure where he is located, judging by recent reports, possibly California. Point is, Marc immediately assumed it was the Zombie Apocalypse. Not just a freak frankenmoon outbreak or pre-apocalypse attack but THE Zombie Apocalypse.

2. Survivor Marc immediately initiated his personal Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan which involves, among other things, his Jeep, miscellaneous weaponry, some camping gear and other supplies like the free car wash he got with his last fill.

3. Unfortunately Survivor Marc’s last fill was in 2008. Survivor Marc works at home and doesn’t like his neighbours, so he never goes out. Unless it’s a zombie apocalypse.

4. So he tore off through his back yard and into his neighbour, Juan Odey’s yard, the zombies shambling after him.

5. Marc’s neighbour, Juan Odey is an avid vegetable gardener who enjoys planting cauliflower. Unfortunately, he doesn’t enjoy eating it. Or picking it. Normally Juan just leaves his cauliflower rotting in gooey, smelly, pulpy piles in his yard until spring – see photo above.

6. Long story short – too late – at one point Marc think’s he’s a goner for sure after tripping and sinking into a stinking, heaving head of unharvested cauliflower. He writes that the smell alone almost made him want to take his chances with the zombies.

7. But then something very strange happened. The zombies immediately stopped their pursuit of him and attacked the rotting cauliflowers instead, chowing down like they were the most delicious brain take-out ever. Marc remembers thinking, So that’s why Juan doesn’t harvest his cauliflower!

Can cauliflower really save your life in a zombie apocalypse?

The moral of the story is, Survivor Marc still doesn’t like his neighbours, except for Juan Odey. But now they all love cauliflower! The whole neighbourhood. They claim it keeps their neighbourhood 99.98% zombie free. They are planning to plant a cauliflower perimeter come spring.

Understandably, Marc claims that it saved his life. He went so far as to make a free game to spread the word called Zombie Apocalypse – How Cauliflower Saved My Life.

(Although if you DO decide to download his game from the iTunes store, try not to notice how he changed the story so that he is the hero and not his neighbour Juan.)

 I downloaded the game and I have to admit that while it’s very entertaining, something about this story stinks and it’s this. If zombies really do love rotten cauliflower that much, what kind of gardener plants a zombie cauliflower garden year after year? 

A zombie cauliflower gardener that’s who!

Let’s just say, I’m looking into this Juan Odey, Zombie Cauliflower Gardener now…