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New Jersey Zombie, Demon or Alien?

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Sunday, May 27th Hackensack, New Jersey: Just one day after the terrifying zombie/cannibal case in Miami, this terrifying report from supernatural reporter & survivor Mr. Mutt:

A baffling case of self-mutilation is leaving people wondering: Zombie, Demon or Alien? You be the judge.

Police were called to the home of a Mr. Wayne Carter after a neighbor reported seeing Mr. Carter cutting himself. When police tried to stop Mr. Carter he began to slash at them and throw parts of his intestines at them.

*WARNING THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS DISTURBING FACTS* It does not get better from here. Proceed to read at your own discretion. SOS assumes no responsibility for any gory nightmares or loss of appetite induced from continuing to read. 

Another disturbing zombie junkie incident?

The police naturally thought this to be strange, and most survivalist experts agree this seems to be supernatural. However none of them can agree on what Mr. Carter is.

Here’s the facts:

-While there are insolated cases of zombies throwing ribs at their victims, throwing intestines has never been recorded.

-Demons on the other hand typically enjoy mutilating things, and then throwing the pieces at people however they don’t usually mutilate the person they’re possessing.

-Finally Aliens. Some aliens do have extra intestines which they can use to fling at attackers but typically they just pull out the entire intestine and don’t bother with knives.

When asked what he thought a policeman had this to say “what?” which about sums up the situation.

Police managed to subdue Mr. Carter after spraying him with pepper spray, Twice, he is now in the hospital so Monstrometer analysis is impossible. So what do you think? Inventive Zombie, Emo Demon, or a knife-happy Alien?

Mutt Out

What do you think was responsible?

The May 27th, 2012 attack in New Jersey was committed by?

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Naked Cannibal or Zombie?

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Miami, Florida – Cannibals say they are “deeply offended” today over Interweb buzz re: the so-called “Naked Cannibal”, a 31 year-old man named Rudy Eugene who was shot yesterday munching on another man’s face in broad daylight.

You are probably familiar with the facts. A police officer caught Mr. Eugene snacking on another man’s head yesterday sometime after 2 p.m.

When the officer ordered Rudy to stop chewing the other man’s face, he refused to stop and reportedly turned toward the officer and growled before the officer fatally shot him.

Was he a nudist cannibal? Or a zombie?

Stories about the incident today have referred to the face-chewing man as the “Naked Cannibal,” a monicker that has outraged cannibals worldwide.

“We cannibals have too much honor to dine buck naked like this,” said notable North Korean cannibal Kim Jong Un.

“Besides, eating naked just causes too much confusion about who to eat.” he added.

“We cannibals favor family dinners, properly prepared. Anyone who has seen my recent family dinner campaign will know this!”

North Korean Cannibals Promote Family Dining

But as readers of this site know, cannibals worldwide have been without their human flesh supplements for almost two weeks now, after a shipment was seized and a police investigation launched into the cannibal pills. Could this be the result?

Or is it the start of another zombie outbreak in Miami?

With Rudy Eugene’s unfortunate demise and his dinner victim now in critical condition, The Monstrometer has been somewhat less than 99.98% effective determining Mr. Eugene’s particular monstromity at this time.

So zombie or cannibal, what’s your view?

Whatever the case, until we know more survivors are best advised to take all precautions for both zombies and cannibals.

The start of another zombie outbreak in Miami?

Zombie Gnomes Attack!

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Disturbing reports this week from survivors Chris and Jane: ZOMBIE GNOMES!

When Chris and Jane first bought their home in a quiet American suburb, they immediately noticed the large number and strange behavior of the local garden gnomes.

“They looked like cute little statues at first, but they never seemed to be in the same spot twice.”

How did this happen?

 

Although Chris could never catch the garden gnomes moving, he painstakingly tracked their movement and performed a few calculations to discover the truth. These roming gnomes seemed to all be converging on one house – his.

Concerned, Jane started asking around for help but the neighbors just laughed.

Called it “harmless gnome mischief.” Told her if she was worried about it she should do the following:

1. Plant ground cover with lots of vines around her house. Gnomes move slowly enough during the day that these vines will act as snares.

2. Install motion lights. Gnomes, like deer, have a caught-in-the-headlights response to sudden light.

3. Put up a pink flamingo perimeter. Garden gnomes are afraid of pink flamingos.

Skeptical at first, Chris and Jane took the advice. They planted a thick cover of Creeping Charlie and bought a fleet of pink flamingos from a birthday rental company and left their motion lights on 24 hours a day. So how did this happen (below)?

 An SOS truer-than-true story.

Zombie Gnomes Feast On Pink Flamingo

After installing these security measures, Chris re-tracked the roaming gnomes and his calculations showed their movement had shifted, to a neighbors house.

(Jane felt guilty at first to have re-routed these dangerous garden ornaments to a hapless neighbor, but not guilty enough to warn them.)

Nobody expected what happened next. And nobody is sure how it happened. Weather reports from that night show a mild storm, with electrical shortages in the area, but nothing out of the ordinary. Little Timmy claims to have have seen a rabid dog. One of the neighbors pointed to a mysterious plant in one of the yards.

Whatever the case, what happened is this. Chris looked out the window that morning he saw a gruesome sight: a herd of roaming garden gnome zombies, laying waste to his pink flamingo perimeter.

When Chris came out with his shotgun, they ran away.

Survivors are being advised to lock all pink flamingos and small pets in the house and be on the lookout for any suspicious gnomic activity until we know more.

If you do plan to track the garden gnomes in your neighborhood, keep at least 5 yards between you and the subject.

Saved by Elves: Icelandic MP Wanted for Elfnapping

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An Icelandic member of parliament who claims some beautiful elves saved his life, is now wanted for elfnapping in the third degree by Álfaskólinn, the Icelandic School for Elves.

Árni Johnsen says his life was saved by an elf stone in 2010, when a terrible accident completely destroyed his car but left him completely unharmed.

The first thing Arni saw when he got out of the smashed car was a very large, mysterious boulder by the side of the road. Arni instantly fell in love with the rock.

An SOS 99.98% truer-than-true story: 

Arni Johnsen fell in love with the elves in this rock.

For months after the crash, Arni would not leave the rock alone.  His friends and neighbors debated what do do. He talked to the rock. He ate with the rock. He slept with the rock.

Finally on the advice of a friend, Arni consulted with television personality Ragnhildur Johnsdottir, a so-called elf expert who advised  Arni that the magic rock contained three generations of beautiful elves living inside it and that maybe he should just take them all home with him. And maybe have a shower already. 

But Magnus Skarphedinsson, principal of the Icelandic School For Elves, says this is the worst advice Arni could have ever received. Read on!

Helpy Elf Tip: Did you know that elves like honey?

Well neither did I. But Arni Johnsen kept the elves quiet during the long journey on the truck by feeding them scoops of honey and providing a bed of sheep skin.

Arni Johnsen says he fell in love with the elves who saved him.

 

As principal of the Icelandic Elf School in the capital city of Reykjavik  Magnus’ job is to accumulate all knowledge about the 13 different kinds of elves and other hidden people who call Iceland home. Magnus says that moving an Elf Stone is one of the worst things you can do.

Magnus says that disrupting an elf settlement usually results in mysterious accidents and unexplained bad luck for the mover and his entire family and possibly his neighbors and friends.

Unfortunately, Magnus failed to convince his rock-loving friend Arni, who proceeded to move the Elf Stone to his home anyway.

He did take the advice of  his friend Ragnihildur though, who told Arni to position the rock on open grass with the flat side of the rock toward the sun, so they can graze their tiny elf sheep.

Only time will tell who is right on this one. I’ll follow up with Arni in a few months.

Until then, remember BE NICE TO BIG ROCKS just in case. I’m not saying you have to hug them and adopt them and talk to them like Arni did.

Just be a little careful how you sit on them and maybe a little, “thank-you” when you go. You never know, it could save your life one day!

Will E.T. Arrest NASA For Unpaid Parking Ticket?

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An SOS 99.98% True Story: An alien entrepreneur named Greg W. Nemitz is angry this week as NASA refuses to pay an overdue parking ticket for landing on his asteroid in 2001.

Alien Homesteader Gregory Nemitz Wants Nasa to Pay Parking

Gregory W. Nemitz claims that NASA parked a probe on his homestead, a near-Earth asteroid known as 433 Eros and now owes him over 10 years worth of parking fees.

“The prices are clearly posted… see? Right here,” said Mr. Nemitz pointing to a spot in the image.

Mr. Nemitz says he charges a very reasonable rate for parking on his potato-shaped homeland, just 20 cents a year.

“Parking on other asteroids can cost you and arm and a leg. Literally. On 2063 Bacchus they only accept arms and legs as payment.”

With NASA’s parking bill now over 20 dollars and 2012 budget cuts at NASA, will this irate alien come to collect on earth in the near future?

Worse will he hire an interplanetary collection crew to do it for him? If so, will they stop at twenty dollars?

The law in this area is far from clear. Earthlings who experience any unwanted contact with Extra-terrestrial debt collectors are advised to contact their nearest Space Lawyer, asap.

Cannibal Capsules Seized

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Grisly news from Seoul, South Korea this week. A load of pills advertised as healthy food supplements turned out to be capsules for cannibals.

Read on for the good news and the bad news about cannibal pills. Another SOS true story, 99.98% guaranteed.

Capsules for Cannibals Discovered in Seoul South Korea

The South Korean customs agency says pills containing children’s body parts were being smuggled into the country in suitcases and parcels from China.

But the Chinese government denies being behind the horrific cannibal capsules.

“I want to reassure everyone in the world community there are absolutely no cannibals in China,” says Health Ministry spokeman Deng Haihua.

“We ate them all.”

So then who is making these cannibal pills and why?

Well, nobody is jumping up to take responsibility but rumors of cannibal activity have surfaced everywhere.

“I’m so scared,” says 11 year-old Connor B. “My mom tried to give me Baby Aspirin. But is it made with real babies? Think about it. ‘Childrens’ pain relievers? Made with real childrens!”

Have modern cannibals given up their fire pits and big iron pots for a more socially-acceptable appearing food source?

Until we know more, Survivors are advised to be on the lookout for these cannibal pills, which are often blue, green or red and white. If you do see one, report it immediately. A mysterious pill in somebody’s home or on their person, could be a clue you are dealing with a cannibal. Get out of there as fast as you can.

Conversely can a simple baby aspirin stop a cannibal in his tracks? If you find yourself in a tight spot with one of them, try tossing them a Baby Aspirin and then run like heck.

Boy’s mom tries to give baby aspirin. Is it made with real babies?