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Archives for April 2012

Scientists Study Real Flying Carpet

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Flying carpet researchers at Princeton University studying a small scrap of flying carpet since October, have come to some startling conclusions.

Flying a magic carpet could be a lot harder than it looks. Read on…

How Can You Tell If Your Carpet Can Fly?

This scrap of real flying carpet appears to use an electric current, like a Manta Ray, to flex into little waves and “swim” through the air. Not exactly a smooth ride.

So is it made with real Manta Rays? I asked Princeton graduate student scientist and flying carpet researcher, Noah Jafferis.

“No.” He replied evasively. He claims the electric current is actually created by a system of piezoelectric actuators and sensors that are not harvested from Manta Rays at all.

“But do you need a lot of unobtainium to fuel it?”

Noah Jafferis refused to answer that question for some reason.

Another unexpected discovery Mr. Jafferis shared is that this carpet is designed to fly very close to the ground, mere inches above it, more like a hover-carpet than a flying one.

So how will this help you to correctly identify those carpets designed to fly, or at least hover, before you step on them?

Well try my three-step magic carpet identification system:

1. Look for the ripples. As we have just learned, magic carpets do not lie flat.

2. Look for the sparks. Start by tossing a small pebble or something metallic, like a key or a knife. No wait. Maybe start with a spoon instead.

3. Smell. The pizoelectric actuators will probably smell like eels.

4. Ask it! Magic carpets respond to magic words. Use your magic words, see if one caused it to hover.

And if you have correctly identified a real flying carpet, take a page from Noah and his lab mates and suit up. Magic carpet flying includes: rubber soled shoes and gloves to protect yourself from the piezoelectric current and a good helmet in case it turns out to be a rough ride.

**Whatever you do, don’t try to snip a sample with metal scissors. That’s a fast way to electrifry yourself.  Contact the professionals instead.

Flying Carpet Flies Low

Happy Earth Day

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Whether you’re from Earth, a fan of Earth or just friends with an Earthling, have a nice green day.

If you aren’t from Earth, please be patient with us earth dwellers as our celebrations sometime takes unusual forms. For example:

Don’t be alarmed by strangers teaching you to how to cultivate potatoes on your person. Just keep your ears clean.

Watch out for Leprechauns pushing green drinks left over from St. Patrick’s Day.

If have a tree or a tree form or have been told that you resemble a tree in certain lights, be prepared for huggy strangers. Don’t panic, it’s only one day a year and they mean well. You might even enjoy it!

(Likewise, if you need a hug today? Consider a tree costume. I’m looking into it.)

If an earthling tries to replace your adult diaper with a cloth one, politely ask them to come back in five minutes when you’re done filling it.

Most importantly, watch out for bikes and long boards and if you’re on your bike or long board today remember, more than any other day, your survival is my survival. Please be careful.

Seth

Dragon Month News: Draconic Code Cracked

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If you, like me, have been receiving dozens of mysterious emails written in a strange script this month, read on.

They started coming on April 01. At first I thought, an alien Nigerian scam. Graham’s idea of an April Fool’s joke. Maybe don’t send your bank account # this year – even if it IS empty.

So I ignored them. But the emails didn’t stop coming. Sometimes I received several of them a day. Then out of the blue, an email from Enron(Nytmare), a well known draconian here on the site, who sent me the following, the Rosetta stone of Draconic script.

When I used Enron’s key to translate the emails I had been receiving, it turns out most of them are taking me to task for ignoring Draconian Month, which apparently is April. And also telling me that Friday the 13th is a Dragon Day as well. And here I thought a whole year was enough. Draconians. I should have known.

Anyway, here it is, the key to all those mysterious draconian cave etchings and secret messages:

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Bowling Legend Haunts New Jersey Home

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TOMS RIVER, N.J. — A New Jersey couple haunted by a noisy ghost this week may have discovered the source of their sleepless nights with the help of a few simple bowling pins.

Bowling Ghost is actually famous bowler Johnny Petraglia
Bowling Pin Trap Reveals Identity of Ghost

Mere dozens of miles from the site of Amityville Horror – the first one, not the sequel – renters Jose and Michele’s family spent a sleepless week in their haunted New Jersey home before contacting their church pastor and a fleet of paranormal researchers to investigate the source.

Naturally I was flattered when the family asked me to be one of the first researchers on the scene. I did inform them it wasn’t exactly my main area of expertise, but what could I do? Jose and Michele were insistent so I went.

Now I can’t comment IF this house is really haunted or not – that matter is before the courts right now – but I can tell you now WHO is haunting it: Johnny Petraglia. That’s right, bowling triple crown winner Johnny Petraglia, the public face of Bowl-a-size, who went on to win the triple crown with four consecutive strikes in the tenth frame.

How do I know this?

In the old days Johnny trained like this. Now he haunts NJ home.

First, while it’s a well known fact that ghosts in general enjoy bowling, it’s less well known that the whole New Jersey is built on an ancient bowling alley. In fact, New Jersey was once the bowling capital of the world. So whenever I hear of an exceptionally noisy ghost in New Jersey I pack up my bowling shoes and go, knowing I’m liable to be facing a disgruntled PBA great.

Second, it’s a well-known fact that bowling great Johnny Petraglia retired in the area. Johnny was known for his unconventional training regime in life, why would he be any different in the afterlife?

And third, when I finally got to Jose & Michelle’s house, one of the first things I detected was a set of very suspicious duckpins just laying around in the basement.

Later I would advise the couple to dispose of these pins if they didn’t want to host the ghosts of PBA past but not yet. First I needed them to pinpint down the culprit. How else could I be sure this was Johnny Petraglia and not somebody else, say, Bobby Cooper?

Well as you see in the photo above, I set up a classic Bowling Pin Trap to the left of the stairs, knowing that Petraglia, a southpaw, would be unable to resist rolling on those pins, even in the presence of surveillance cameras.

And the results speak for themselves. (See photo above.) It wasn’t long before a ripple appeared on the stairs and the pins began to fall. I immediately advised the family to burn the pins and booked my flight home.

Another paranormal mystery closed.

Robot Week: Big Dog MIA

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The world’s most famous robo-dog, who responds to the name of Big Dog, appears to have run away from Robot Week celebrations.

Big Dog runs away from Robot Week Celebrations

Petman, his humanoid robo-master, speculates that his Big Dog best friend most likely rebelled after one too many kicks from over-zealous scientists trying to demonstrate his agility.

“First it was just running on a treadmill all day.  As if that wasn’t bad enough. But then they started doing this thing where they push or kick you and try to knock you over. It’s a big crowd pleaser but everyone could see that Big Dog was getting mad and he wasn’t going to take it anymore,” bleeped Petman in a series of angry red flashes of light.

(You can see what Petman is blinking about in the video below. At 20 seconds in, the researcher reaches out and tries to push him over. As a trained reader of morse code, you can see by Petman’s red flashing light that he is not happy about it.)

“At one point in the day, I looked over and Big Dog was just gone.”

Survivors who spot the runaway Big Dog in their neighborhood be advised that while the robotic canine does not move fast, (only about 5 mph) he is very strong and he weighs 240 pounds. Above all do not try to remove his backpack as it is booby-trapped.

Petman recommends setting a trail of hydraulic milk bones to your yard and watching from a safe distance while you contact the site.

“Above all don’t let him inside. He’s not house broken yet and he’s always leaking something.”

Thanks to SOS friendly resident cyborg P5t5r for bringing Robot Week to our attention please join him in congratulating “our future overlords, their predecessors, their future and their creators.”

‘My Lupine Life’ By Louis Pine – Coming Soon

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The sneak peek at the new videos by Survivor Louis Pine is now over but it will be back soon with lots more videos.

We will keep you posted here as soon as they are available. It you would like a personal email notification that they are out then just leave a comment below and I will send you an email when they are ready.

Thanks for checking them out and keep on keeping on.

Seth

PS – If you’re saying to yourself, “Self, who is Louis Pine?” Louis is a suspected genetic werewolf and I would urge you to check out the interview I did with him until the other videos are ready.

And then please download my handy supernatural diagnostic device for iOS, The Monstrometer, because talking to yourself like that is a sure sign of something.