Archives for March 2012

“Okay Vampires aren’t all that bad. I’m not going to start holding hands and singing Kumbiya though.”

-Mr. Mutt

More Quotes from Mr. Mutt, the Man, the Legend:

“We’re boned.”

“We’re boned beyond belief!”

“I’d say we’re boned to the 297th Power of Boned.”

“Did I mention we’re boned?”

Before I attempt to tell the tale of The Mutt, the man, the legend a disclaimer. While poring over the accounts on these pages, I have been reminded that  the man we know now as The Mutt, is NOT the same Mr. Mutt who first stopped in to discuss his strange encounter with an angel-like being so many months ago. I can’t help but blame myself. Maybe if I had been more diligent in investigating his reports, I could have prevented some of the terrible events that have transpired.

Let me try to explain, and you be the judge.

Mr. Mutt first visited the site after The Monstrometer identified him as a werewolf seven times in a row, normally a sure sign of lycanthropy. But Mr. Mutt couldn’t remember being bitten and neither his mother nor his father seemed lycanthropic.

Then a very strange, very tall angel showed up and tried to talk to him but Mr. Mutt was surprised. After a dramatic battle involving silver knives & leashes  vs a lyre & fangs, Mr. Mutt made the discovery that while angels can fly, they sure can’t swim. Whatever message the angel came to deliver, it remained undelivered. Did he destroy a messenger sent to warn him about the future? We will never know.

His first days on the site were pretty harmless. He coached Stigma through his chimera phase and fought the evil but probably delicious were-chimichangas. That was nice. He introduced us all to the martial art of Kyuki-do, a mix of judo, karate and Tae Kwon Do. Later Mr. Mutt would team up with Zyboragon and the Doctor during the Void Wars to explore some caves in Oregon and Maryland in search of the dimensional keys. More about that later.

Possibly the first sign of trouble began when Mr. Mutt discovered unexpectedly with the help of a garlic clove, that his closest friend was actually a vampire. And not just any vampire, the most powerful vampire ever, The Original. Further The Original informed him that he had given him vampire blood and put a spell on him when he was just a baby.

As a result of The Original’s meddling, Mr. Mutt suspected he was actually an angelic werepyre. Something that left him feeling pretty unhappy and well, boned, for a long time. He hated the idea that he could be killed by silver or entranced by harp music or burn up in the sunlight. First he vowed to find a cure then when The Original snapped his sister’s neck harvesting her for his evil plot, he vowed revenge.

But would he succeed? Or did The Original actually fuse with his soul and become The Mutt and turn him into the hybrid he is today? I’m still not sure and by Mr. Mutt’s own words, you can’t trust Mr. Mutt’s opinion on the matter.

Let’s go back to Mr. Mutt the angelic werepyre. He got himself a daywalker ring and in between plotting The Original’s death, he helped Ashpaw escape the Silverbloods. Not just that, but he even went so far as to erase her memories with experimental therapeutic hypnotism and give her a few thousand dollars CASH.Not bad.

(Although you do have to wonder where did he get that cash anyway? But I digress.)

As often happens with evil nemeseses, Mr. Mutt had his first encounter with his nemesis The Original when he wasn’t ready yet. The Original kidnapped him in his sleep, which hardly seems fair but Mr. Mutt fought his way out of the abandoned warehouse and found safety at a McDonalds.

(We don’t know what he ordered. He did learn one thing during his ordeal though. The Orginal did not turn into an angel but into a bird-like demon.)

Luckily sometime after this Mr. Mutt  discovered something about his mother – she was a witch. So when he finally faced The Original in open battle in the dimension known as rt666, he used a “Leach” spell that his mom gave him, which leached all of the Original’s power and left him defeated.

At this point you might expect Mr. Mutt to take a holiday, maybe get a little sand and sunshine, enjoy the feeling of not bursting into flames and read the book about witching and intestinal ripping that his mom gave him.

But it was not to be. Suddenly it wasn’t enough to have killed The Original. The Mutt starts obsessing about going back in time and killing The Original all over again, before the events of his childhood can take place. To Mutt’s credit, he’s worried about the time paradox he might create and how that might affect the rest of us so he doesn’t actually try it.

(It might also have something to do with a warning he gets from his future self, telling him not to do it.)

But maybe he actually should have tried, because the next thing you know – Mr. Mutt has died. He met his unfortunate demise helping The Doc and later Zyboragon and Mr. Jaffa fighting the Silverblood demons who at one time possessed Stigma. To summarize, there was some flaying and some dying.

Because of this, Mr. Mutt was resurrected from the dead but he would never be the same. That’s when it happened. When Mr. Mutt discovered that he hadn’t actually succeeded in destroying The Orginal, and that he had become a hybrid, fused with The One.

In short, Mutt came back from the dead with a massive headache and stumps where his wings once grew. Most of his soul was gone too. Which could account for his new, somewhat crustier attitude on the site.

As Zyboragon learned the hard way, where once you could count on The Mutt to avenge you, now you had to be careful he didn’t just avenge you and then kill you. And then avenge you again. And then kill you again. At least he was polite about it. He would always urge you to, “die well.” Not quite as nice as the way he used to leave you rescued with thousands of dollars in cash, to say the least.

So began a trying time here at SOS. There was some mayhem. A little evil. And evil rhyme.  Let’s just say the moderation filter may have crashed more than once. To everyone’s surprise, Mr. Mutt teamed up with Zyboragon’s arch enemy ARC.

As Mr. Mutt himself went on to say, “Why any of you still trust me is beyond me.”

Well maybe it’s the memory of those early days and the courageous Mr. Mutt of yore. Or maybe we all hope Mr. Mutt has a few more thousand dollars to give away. For whatever reason we all continue to hope for the best as he settles into his new hybrid identity.

And for the most part we are not disappointed. He is still a great Survivor and he still has a lot of good advice. Not to mention some excellent one liners, if I do say so. Just be cautious. Don’t snack on his emotions! (He hates that.)

And if you see him in an epic battle for his life, maybe give him a hand or at least a word of encouragement like, “I hope you win!” At least that.

Thanks for keeping on and for reading The Saga of Mr. Mutt. Stay tuned next full moon for a new Survivor of the Month Story.

Seth