New York, April 03 2011 – Witches deny involvement in missing unicorn case. Maria Campina, White Magic Monarch of the witches responded to allegations that witches have resumed abducting unicorns and rendering them for use in potions for everything from zombiism to curly hair and lost virginity.
“I defy you to find any true unicorn in any potion endorsed by any true witch, anywhere,” states Ms. Campina in an email. “Our products clearly indicate the use of unicorn substitute only. False unicorns, that’s it. And that’s the truth.”
She explains that witches have been using only farm-bred false unicorns since the council of 4991 BCE when Moses’ unicorn repopulation program ran into difficulties and turned to the witches for help. (Photo below.)
But unicorn advocates remain skeptical.
“False Unicorn?!? What kind of witchy Jedi mind trick is that?” One advocate demanded to know. “Maybe somebody should start making a potion with false witches. How would she like that?”
He notes that witches still openly use real skull caps despite their treaty with the Rabbinical Association of Greater Kansas City.
“So how can you trust them?”