March 16, Hadron Collider, Switzerland – Almost one year to the day after a mysterious tweedy time traveller breached security at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, scientists there unveil the plan for mass time-transit.
Physicists Tom Weiler and Chui Man Ho today confirmed their plan to turn the Hadron Collider into the world’s biggest, mass transit time machine by colliding protons to create particles called Higgs singlets with the ability to jump into an extra, fifth dimension where they can move either forward or backward in time and reappear in the future or past. Would this turn the Large Hadron Collider into a mass underground time transit subway, 17 miles long? If so, when will it be open? And what will be the fare?
“I’m not sure,” says Weiler. “We’re still in the planning stages.” (SEE PLAN ABOVE.)
About that plan…
Can it be a coincidence this announcement comes almost one year after a mysterious time traveller named Eloi Cole breached security at the LHC, stating to police his intention was to STOP the discovery of time travel? Dismissed as an April Fool’s prankster, Eloi Cole was remanded to a local psychiatric center, where he promptly disappeared.
Weiler declined to comment but according to an unnamed janitorial source at the collider, this is no surprise.
“Think about it. ‘Eloi Cole?’ Tell me he wasn’t from Cole’s Notes in the future? No scientist will admit using these handy abridged references but I can tell you from experience nine out of ten of them do it.” the janitor stated.
“Besides who can name even one instance when traveling back in time to prevent something occurring failed to actually cause that thing to occur?”
He also adds that he is looking forward to the ability to send all litterbugs back in time again and again until they learn to use the garbage receptacles.